Tomorrow is Matt's birthday. Today I was in the bookstore and looked for a card to send him to get back at him for the one he gave me last year. I don't remember what the card said exactly, but it was something about me being old and I think it had a punch-out bingo or tic tac toe game. I only had a few minutes today and didn't find the perfect one so I'll probably go again tomorrow. I also have to find a card to send my Grandma. I haven't written her in a while.

Secrets, secrets are not fun. Secrets, secrests hurt someone. How many times have I heard that since elementry school? Most often it was said by someone watching two people whispering something to each other and they wanted to know what the people were saying. What happens when you keep the secret hidden within yourself and it's you that it's hurting? Annah and Tia invited me to their Bible Study this evening after practice and I decided to go. I must admit that I didn't really go for the Bible Study, but instead for the food because everyone else had already gone to dinner and I didn't want to go by myslef. Now I'm really glad that they invited me and that I went, not because of the really yummy food, but because I found the Bible Study really interesting and thought provoking.

The topic today was fear, most importantly what secrets we have hidden within ourselves and our afraid to share. The passage referenced was Matthew 10:26-28;
"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in dark, speak in the daylight: what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell."
I have things that I don't want anybody to know. Things I've done, thought, allowed to be done, etc. I feel the same as one of the girls who said that she would rather disappear than tell somebody about them. Everybody has something in their life like this. As with most people, I'm scared that if I did tell someone that they would then be dissapointed in me, act differently towards me, judge me, not be my friend, etc. A true friend would not do this, but Satan places a fear in me that says that people would do those things if they found about about what I've done. Some of the people I respect the most are those who were able to overcome their fear, confess their sins, ask for forgivness and recieved and accepted God's grace. They openly talk about what they did and I repsect that because it takes a lot of courage, more than I think I have at the moment. Because they can share their experiance it draws people closer to them because they seem more human and are not trying to put on an act of being perfect.

Confessing the things to God and asking for forgivness it good and rightous, but speaking them outloud to another person seems to lift the weight off my shoulders. I would like to confess some things to a friend to get ease the burden of carrying them around inside of me, but I think I'd only be comfertable doing that if we both were sharing things with each other. That takes out a lot of the fear of them judging me because we would both be making ourselves vulnerable at the same time. The heaviest burden is the one that you make yourself carry around.