Nap Time Thoughts

Dear Ava,

You have given me a wonderful gift as a result of your morning nap - long stretches of time to pray, meditate and reflect on God's word and what He has done and is doing in my life, read the Bible, and delve deeper into my faith.

He is developing in me an even greater love and knowledge of Him, the Church, the sacraments, as well as leading me down a path that I believe leads to developing and using the gifts of the Holy Spirit that He has given to me.

During all of this, I often think of all the things I want to tell you and pass on to you. The ways I have seen God work in my life and in the life of friends and family. I also want to share with you the incredible desire I have to worship God both here on earth and in heaven. To abandon myself fully to Him and lay before His throne in awe and praise, joining all of heaven proclaiming:

"Holy, Holy, Holy, is The Lord Almighty. Who is, who was, and who is to come."

“Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power and riches and wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing.”

“To Him who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb, be blessing and honor and glory and dominion forever and ever.”

 

 

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Six Months Old

Dear Ava,

Happy Half Birthday! You were born six months ago today! I can't believe how fast the time has flown by.

In my facebook post commorating yoru 6 month birthday I included the following list of accomplishments and things you enjoy:

• Easily rolls from back to tummy and tummy to back
• Sit unsupported for 5 minutes
• Weighing about 13 lbs and is around 26 in long
• Like to stand (supported)
• Loves frozen blueberries (in a baby feeding teether)
• Also enjoys eating avocados, bananas, and acorn squash
• Has flown on a plane 10 times
• Has visited South Korea
• Quickly smiles at new people, but only if they don’t try to hold her
• Enjoys riding in the jogging stroller as long as it is in motion
• Loves bath time
• Has experienced temperatures of both 105+ and -40F (without windchill)
• Likes to grab my hair, nose, glasses and anything else that is within her reach
• Believes my camelback water bottle is a great teething toy that belongs to her

Your first genuine smile was on September 24th. I was trying to take a picture of you to send to Daddy at that exact moment and I was lucky enough to capture the smile on camera.

The first time you rolled over was on January 16th and it was from your back to your tummy. On January 21st, your rolled from your tummy to your back for the first time.

Your first solid food was avocado, which you ate on February 3rd. You enjoyed it, but didn't eat a whole lot of it.

Blueberries are by far your favorite food, though I generally only let you have them when you are due for a bath.

It is so fun to watch you grow and learn new skills. We love you!

 

 

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Be Still and Cease Striving

Dear Ava,

Tonight is a rare night in that you are asleep for the night and I still have enough energy to be up for a couple hours of precious (and very rare) alone time.

There are so many things I want to accomplish during these hours, but I often end up sitting in a chair with my feet up enjoying the quietness of the house and thinking about whatever is on my mind.

Tonight the topic on my mind is Psalm 46:10.

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (NIV)

or

"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." (NASB)

Back in December during one my my prayer times, God pointed me to that verse and indicated that He wants me to focus on living out that verse during this season of life.

The verse flows perfectly out of what I felt God kept saying to me during the last year.

Trust Him.

There were so many things I was worried and anxious about, but that word kept coming back to me as I prayed. Trust. Turn all of my worries and concerns over to Him.

As I gave my worries and concerns over to Him I saw things fall into place. I was able to easily give up command without any issues. I found a new place to live with plenty of support (with Grandma and Grandpa F). You were born without any issues and Joe/Daddy was able to be there for your birth. You were baptized.

In the midst of all of the changes, I kept striving to hold onto my career, to find ways to do more, to keep up with my peers.

I thought I had it all planned out for what I was going to accomplish during this next year. Sure, there were some bumps, but I was certain that I could overcome those. The ILE course, the job in DC, projects here at home I wanted to focus on, things here I wanted to do.

But life wasn't going as I had planned. You weren't interested in a bottle. The milk I had frozen developed a metallic smell/taste very quickly and you refused to drink it. Your separation anxiety kicked in at an extremly early age and hasn't seemed to improve. I was having trouble focusing enough to even accomplish easy ILE course work. I was stressed and worried about how I would accomplish the tasks and goals I had laid out for the next year.

Then, God spoke and told me to Be Still. Cease Striving.

Give up my pursuit of my career for the moment. Give up trying to keep up with my West Point peers.

Instead, focus on Him. Focus on Knowing Him. Focus on Exalting Him.

And with that, focus on who He has called me to be: A wife and a mother.

Giving up the pursuit of my career was not easy and took a lot of trust in God. Over 12 years of my life have been centered around the military. I had just been promoted ahead of my peers this past summer. I had some people telling me that giving it all up, even if only for a short while, was a big mistake.

I had to trust that if God wants me to continue my career at some later point, He will make a way for it to happen. I had to trust Him with what felt like giving up part of my identity. I had to trust that He knew what He was doing.

And He does.

In trusting Him and being still, ceasing to strive, I gained the freedom to focus on you and your needs; to spend a lot more time visiting Daddy in Korea this spring; and most importantly, the ability to move to Korea this spring/summer.

Had I continued to strive towards my own goals, I would not currently feel the same freedom to move due to work obligations.

Our moving is still up in the air, but we have one less major hurdle to think about because of what God told me to focus on during this season of life: Be Still. Know that He is God. Know that He is/was/and will be exalted.

 

 

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16 More Months

Dear Ava,

Two nights ago, after you had already fallen asleep, Joe/Daddy told me some bad news. A much hoped for assignment for him fell through. The assignment would've allowed us to start living together as a family this July. As it currently stands, we have another 16 more months apart from him.

16 months. You will be just shy of two years old. We will be about to celebrate our third wedding anniversary. 16 more months.

You daddy and I started dating in the summer of 2010. Our whole relationship has been long distance; only seeing each other for a few weeks with an average of 3 months between visits.

On a run together in Korea during a visit in November 2010

Every year I tell myself that next year we will be able to be together. Having it not only fall through, but also be even longer apart than I planned, is hard to take.

I am still holding out hope for us being able to start living together this summer. More accurately, every part of me is clinging to that hope.

It would involve us moving to Seoul, South Korea. We would only be able to take what I could fit into 2 suitcases. I've already started to mentally pack those suitcases.

I am not ready to accept no as an answer.

 

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Slowing Down

Dear Ava,

You are currently fast asleep laying across my lap with Luvey Bunny in your arms. Right now you don't care much either way about Luvey Bunny and I was the one to put the bunny in your arms. I am hoping that you grow very attached to him/her/it and that you are able to fall asleep and stay asleep eaiser on your own as a result.

To say that you are attached to me is an understatement. It's both adorable and exhausting, something I enjoy as well as something that makes me go crazy.

I'm trying to remember that this is only a phase. There will come a day when I can work out at the gym alone, have you take a nap without me holding you, be out of your sight without you bursting into tears the moment I am gone.

As much as I look forward to that day, right now you are giving me the gift of slowing down, of cherishing this time with you. As much as I would like to be already showered, dressed, and having accomplished many tasks and goals for today, sitting in a dark room holding you while you sleep is good for me. In the mad rush and chaos of life I have a chance to Be Still.

 

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Teething

Dear Ava,

If it is not one thing, it is another. You have passed some major milestones in your life since Daddy returned to Korea, but sleeping through the night is not one of them.

When he headed back to Korea you were beginning to show signs of rolling over. With you so close to rolling over I did not want you to sleep swaddled anymore, but you still preferred that snug feeling. I also wanted to move you out of the cradle and back into your crib.

It took a week of crying, but you finally are able to sleep in your crib unswaddled.

The transition happened just in time. On January 16, 7 days after Daddy left, you rolled from your back to your tummy for the first time. Then, on the 21st you rolled from your tummy to your back. You accomplished the rolling over milestone despite being miserable with a cold.

A few days after you rolled over we flew to Pennsylvania to visit relatives. The next 8 days were full of new people and new places. The trip ended with everyone catching a 24 hour stomach bug.

I had given up trying to get you to sleep through the night, or at least through sleep cycles without my help, until we arrived back home after that trip.

Now that we are back home the sleep training is being disrupted because you are showing signs of teething. As a result, you want to gnaw on everything, nurse a lot, be held almost constantly, and are not happy being placed in your crib to sleep.

To help with your teething pain, yesterday I gave you an apple slice to suck on and today you sucked on a large carrot stick. You seemed to enjoy both of them, though I only let you suck on them. I plan to start you on solid food very soon, but first I need to buy a high chair.

Even though you still aren't letting me get my much looked forward to long stretch of sleep at night, you sure are cute.

 

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