Thursday, July 29, 2004
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
This is one of my favorite songs:
Lord
by Six Days From Sunday
No written word
Or polished phrase
No earthly song
That I could raise
Can bear the worship you desire
Or pick my soul out of the mire
Take down the walls around my soul
I relinquish my control
Let this fallen temple be restored
I can't do it by myself
Or turn to someone else for help
Christ you are my savior
Please be my lord.
How can these lips
That cause such pain
Bear to speak
Your holy name
How can these hands
So rough and crude
Be lifted up
In praise to you
Take down the walls around my soul
I relinquish my control
Let this fallen temple be restored
I can't do it by myself
Or turn to someone else for help
Christ you are my savior
Take down the walls around my soul
I relinquish my control
Let this fallen temple be restored
I can't do it by myself
Or turn to someone else for help
Christ you are my savior
Please be Lord.
Lord
by Six Days From Sunday
No written word
Or polished phrase
No earthly song
That I could raise
Can bear the worship you desire
Or pick my soul out of the mire
Take down the walls around my soul
I relinquish my control
Let this fallen temple be restored
I can't do it by myself
Or turn to someone else for help
Christ you are my savior
Please be my lord.
How can these lips
That cause such pain
Bear to speak
Your holy name
How can these hands
So rough and crude
Be lifted up
In praise to you
Take down the walls around my soul
I relinquish my control
Let this fallen temple be restored
I can't do it by myself
Or turn to someone else for help
Christ you are my savior
Take down the walls around my soul
I relinquish my control
Let this fallen temple be restored
I can't do it by myself
Or turn to someone else for help
Christ you are my savior
Please be Lord.
Monday, July 26, 2004
I hate AOL. I want to get rid of it. I got it so that I could use dial-up internet when I travel, but I don't need it anymore. Canceling it is not as easy as one phone call. No, instead they, without my consent, sign me up for 2 free months, and then tell me to call back on OCT 19th to cancel. I told them over and over I did not want that, I want to cancel now. I do not have the time to deal with this and wait for OCT 19th. Do they listen, no. I was on the verge of yelling at them over the phone. AUGHHHH!
DO NOT SIGN UP FOR AOL. IT IS A SCAM.
DO NOT SIGN UP FOR AOL. IT IS A SCAM.
Sunday, July 25, 2004
Outer beauty is only skin deep people, see the real me. I'm not saying this because I am ugly, I'm saying this because I'm being complemented on how I look. I do like being complemented, but I don't get those same complements when I'm wearing what I like to wear and would prefer to be in all of the time, that being a large t-shirt, comfy pants, and running shoes with my hair up, no make-up on. Those clothes give me space and freedom to move around, jump around, and run around, basically be active and do what I want, without worring about getting dirty, messing up my makeup or hair, and without feeling like the clothes are trying to constrict my movement. I can look pretty if I want to, but I'd rather be comfertable most of the time. I've noticed that when I do choose to put time into how I look, and look nice, I'm not as happy inside. Yet, when I go out in my comfy state, I'm self-concious about how I look because although that is the real me, it is not what society general says girls should look like. The obvious solution is to be happy with who I am and ignore what other people think....riiiiiiight, like that is easy to do.
The reason I didn't want to go out to dinner with Frank, was that I didn't want to have to worry about how I looked or anything. I wanted to relax, be myself, and wear my comfy clothes without being self-concious. Playing tennis was the perfect solution.
I think one of the best complements I ever recieved about how I look came from two of my aunts while I was on vacation. One evening I wore my BDU uniform for about an hour to show my relatives what it looked like, and my aunts both said to me "You look beuatiful in that uniform", and some other people agreed. At first I didn't understand, and thought it was an odd complement because I was wearing a uniform, and beauty and uniform are not two words that generally go together. I've come to grasp what they were saying a little better, after it was explained to me by everyone. The complement means so much to me because they saw something in me, as well as what I looked on the outside. I was not trying to look beatiful, in fact, that was the furthest thing from my mind, but they saw in me an inner beauty that was reflected to them on the outside while I was wearing the uniform. It was not a model's beauty, it was my beauty.
Usually I try and stay away from writing about looks. It generally makes me feel shallow, however, this one time I'll let an entry slide by.
On a different note, should I start adding titles to each post? Most people do add titles, but I never have because I don't want to spend the time trying to think of a good title. It's something I'm debating.
The reason I didn't want to go out to dinner with Frank, was that I didn't want to have to worry about how I looked or anything. I wanted to relax, be myself, and wear my comfy clothes without being self-concious. Playing tennis was the perfect solution.
I think one of the best complements I ever recieved about how I look came from two of my aunts while I was on vacation. One evening I wore my BDU uniform for about an hour to show my relatives what it looked like, and my aunts both said to me "You look beuatiful in that uniform", and some other people agreed. At first I didn't understand, and thought it was an odd complement because I was wearing a uniform, and beauty and uniform are not two words that generally go together. I've come to grasp what they were saying a little better, after it was explained to me by everyone. The complement means so much to me because they saw something in me, as well as what I looked on the outside. I was not trying to look beatiful, in fact, that was the furthest thing from my mind, but they saw in me an inner beauty that was reflected to them on the outside while I was wearing the uniform. It was not a model's beauty, it was my beauty.
Usually I try and stay away from writing about looks. It generally makes me feel shallow, however, this one time I'll let an entry slide by.
On a different note, should I start adding titles to each post? Most people do add titles, but I never have because I don't want to spend the time trying to think of a good title. It's something I'm debating.
This morning I got up around 10:30, made strawberry pancakes, and then watched Lance Armstrong win the time trial in the Tour de France. Around 1pm Betsy and I drove over to Christian's graduation party. I came back home a few hours later and worked on a few judo moves. Frank and I had made plans to go out for dinner in the evening, but when I was driving home from the graduation party, I found that I didn't really want to go out for dinner. I still wanted to see him, but wanted to do something else besides dinner. I called him, and when I told him that I wanted to do somthing besides dinner, he suggested tennis. That sounded perfect to me, so we went and played tennis together. I took tennis as my lifetime sport last fall, but haven't touched a racket since then. Frank was about the same skill level as myself, so we were perfect partners. I won the first match, won the first 3 games of the second match, and then he came from behind and managed to win the second match, although it was close. Then I came home and made danish puff for breakfast tomorrow morning.
Saturday, July 24, 2004
One night when I was around the age of six I remember going to my dad and asking him if it was considered murder for a soldier to kill someone in a war. I don't remember what he said, but his answers satisfied me and took away my concerns about dealing with that if I was a soldier.
When I was around 12 I was on a confermation retreat with my church youth group. Over the course of the weekend there was an ongoing game between the guys and the girls over water spray bottles. The girls would try and steal the guy's spray bottles and hide them, and the guys would do the same to us. One afternoon someone was in the process of stealing a spray bottle and was caugth. A big scuffle ensued in the hall, and the next week at Church I found out that in the middle of the scuffle I apparently had managed to hit a boy in the eye and had given him a black eye. When I found that out I was so distrought that I went upstairs and cried. I felt terrible for hurting him.
I am being trained in how to kill people, yet I can not even manage to kill and ant without feeling that I am being cruel. Over the years I have noticed that I can not bear seeing people hurt one another, or hurt any living thing for that matter. I don't know what a better word or term is for it, but that closest I can come up with at this time is that I do not like the offensive position*. What I mean by that is a position when action is taken for the sake of gaining the upperhand in cruel, harsh, or inhuman ways, or for senseless, power-craving, greedy reasons. To kill or hurt something just for the sake of killing or hurting it, to kill or hurt the defensless and weak, to hurt or tourture for the sake of gratifying a thirst for power or ego, to be inhuman in anyway; I despise it all and anyone who follows that route.
What I fight for, what I am willing to kill for as a soldier, what drives me, is the defensive position*. I have always wanted to be in the army because I want to defend my country and those I love against those people in the offensive position. I do not think twice about smashing a bug that is trying to bite me, or fighting off someone attacking me, as long as I do not exceed just force. I may have reservations about even killing an ant on a counter top, or a spider in a shower, but I have no problem with the idea of killing to protect and defend my country and my family, and myself from those who seek to hurt us. Hopefully that will never be required of me, but I never know, given my future occupation. What I can say is that I will not tolerate cruelty or inhuman acts in either myself or in others.
In my three years at west point, I don't believe I have ever once been taught anything different than I have said above about when and how to fight. I do not see the army, or our country, as being an offensive force, in terms of my definition. That is why I am proud that I am part of the army and have the opportunity to serve and protect my country.
* I made up my own definitions. The terms offensive and defensive are not being used like the definition of offensive and defensive for sports, or for military positions. I made up my own definitions.
When I was around 12 I was on a confermation retreat with my church youth group. Over the course of the weekend there was an ongoing game between the guys and the girls over water spray bottles. The girls would try and steal the guy's spray bottles and hide them, and the guys would do the same to us. One afternoon someone was in the process of stealing a spray bottle and was caugth. A big scuffle ensued in the hall, and the next week at Church I found out that in the middle of the scuffle I apparently had managed to hit a boy in the eye and had given him a black eye. When I found that out I was so distrought that I went upstairs and cried. I felt terrible for hurting him.
I am being trained in how to kill people, yet I can not even manage to kill and ant without feeling that I am being cruel. Over the years I have noticed that I can not bear seeing people hurt one another, or hurt any living thing for that matter. I don't know what a better word or term is for it, but that closest I can come up with at this time is that I do not like the offensive position*. What I mean by that is a position when action is taken for the sake of gaining the upperhand in cruel, harsh, or inhuman ways, or for senseless, power-craving, greedy reasons. To kill or hurt something just for the sake of killing or hurting it, to kill or hurt the defensless and weak, to hurt or tourture for the sake of gratifying a thirst for power or ego, to be inhuman in anyway; I despise it all and anyone who follows that route.
What I fight for, what I am willing to kill for as a soldier, what drives me, is the defensive position*. I have always wanted to be in the army because I want to defend my country and those I love against those people in the offensive position. I do not think twice about smashing a bug that is trying to bite me, or fighting off someone attacking me, as long as I do not exceed just force. I may have reservations about even killing an ant on a counter top, or a spider in a shower, but I have no problem with the idea of killing to protect and defend my country and my family, and myself from those who seek to hurt us. Hopefully that will never be required of me, but I never know, given my future occupation. What I can say is that I will not tolerate cruelty or inhuman acts in either myself or in others.
In my three years at west point, I don't believe I have ever once been taught anything different than I have said above about when and how to fight. I do not see the army, or our country, as being an offensive force, in terms of my definition. That is why I am proud that I am part of the army and have the opportunity to serve and protect my country.
* I made up my own definitions. The terms offensive and defensive are not being used like the definition of offensive and defensive for sports, or for military positions. I made up my own definitions.
Thursday, July 22, 2004
So far, I've been rather productive today. This morning I got up and went for a run. Betsy and I were supposed to go out to breakfast after she went to Mass, but she was still asleep when I got back from the run, so we rescheduled the breakfast for Monday. Having some extra time on my hands, I went for a bike ride, trying to strengthen my legs for crew. After that I came back and watched the last 10 miles of the Tour de France. It was incredible. I've never been a huge fan of watching sports on tv, but I'm hooked on this. Lance Armstrong had another amazing win today that had me on the edge of my seat. At noon my dad and I had a meeting with another person about investing some of my cow loan. I'm glad that finally got done and I don't have to think about it anymore. Hopefully there won't be another great depression anytime soon. Now I'm at home again sitting around. In a little while I'm going to head over to my Grandma's house to visit her, then pick up some Jimmy John subs and go to Betsy's softball game.
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
I found this on another cadet's blog, and it made my sister and I laugh:
TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.
PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid,
Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology, France for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs,
and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of
exploitation by the world.
AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows &
naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.
ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS
You have a cow and a bull.
You let the cow be president, the bull be prime minister,
and let them blame each other for the state the country is in.
CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment,
high bovine productivity,
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.
INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.
PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid,
Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines,
Germany for technology, France for submarines,
Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs,
and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of
exploitation by the world.
AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other
to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows &
naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.
FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years,
eat once a month, and milk themselves.
BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad.
ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.
SWISS ECONOMICS
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called
Cowkimon and market them worldwide.
RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.
SRI LANKAN ECONOMICS
You have a cow and a bull.
You let the cow be president, the bull be prime minister,
and let them blame each other for the state the country is in.
CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment,
high bovine productivity,
and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.
Just a few minutes ago I recived a phone call that would probably make most people happy, but for me it was rather dissapointing. It was a CPT calling to inform me that the report date for SMULT has changed from the 25th to the 29th, meaning that I have another week at home. I do like my family and enjoy being around them, but I was looking forward to seeing my friends and getting back to doing military training. On the bright side, I can now make it to my cousin's graduation party on Saturday. I know I shouldn't complain. Some people would kill for more time off. I just need to find something to do to keep me occupied.
I think I'm allergic to something in Michigan. Every time I've been home for more than a few days in the past year my ear starts to hurt and becomes a bit swollen inside. I think it all started a year ago when I was home for a week and developed a double ear infection right before I left on my AIAD.
All engaged, all around my age/grade:
Tyler
Brian
other Brian
Jon
good Josh
Megan
Jason
Joel
Mike
Jodi
Pat
Mary
Steph
Teresa
plus at least 5-10 others I can't remeber
Finding out that my friends and classmates are now engaged makes me feel really young. I know it should be the opposite, that it should make me feel old, but it doesn't. That part of life still seems so far off to me, and when I hear that they are engaged I can't fully grasp it. I'm only 20, they are only 20-22ish, perhaps some a few years older, but none above 25. 25 I can understand, 25 seems normal (that's you heiko), but 20. I'm still growing up, trying to make it through school, maturing, figuring out who I am, not feeling grown up. Maybe it stems from the fact that I live in such a closed enviroment most of the year. Perhaps it is normal to feel this way.
Part of me is expecting that to all suddenly change when I graduate. Some magic button will be pressed, and I'll suddenly be a grown up. I'll be ready to go out on my own, be an officer, be in charge, and perhaps then not feel so young. Of course, I know that is not going to happen all of a sudden once I graduate. Over time, perhaps, but no magic button.
I remember back in middle school how I couldn't imagine myself in high school. It seemed too far away, too unfamiliar, to grown up. Now I'm 1 year away from graduating from college. It's amazing how things change. I think I'll look back on this time the same way. Life happens, whether you think it will or not.
One of the books I'm currently reading: A Severe Mercy
It's a great book, even though I am only a few chapters into it. Talk about two people being truely in love.
All engaged, all around my age/grade:
Tyler
Brian
other Brian
Jon
good Josh
Megan
Jason
Joel
Mike
Jodi
Pat
Mary
Steph
Teresa
plus at least 5-10 others I can't remeber
Finding out that my friends and classmates are now engaged makes me feel really young. I know it should be the opposite, that it should make me feel old, but it doesn't. That part of life still seems so far off to me, and when I hear that they are engaged I can't fully grasp it. I'm only 20, they are only 20-22ish, perhaps some a few years older, but none above 25. 25 I can understand, 25 seems normal (that's you heiko), but 20. I'm still growing up, trying to make it through school, maturing, figuring out who I am, not feeling grown up. Maybe it stems from the fact that I live in such a closed enviroment most of the year. Perhaps it is normal to feel this way.
Part of me is expecting that to all suddenly change when I graduate. Some magic button will be pressed, and I'll suddenly be a grown up. I'll be ready to go out on my own, be an officer, be in charge, and perhaps then not feel so young. Of course, I know that is not going to happen all of a sudden once I graduate. Over time, perhaps, but no magic button.
I remember back in middle school how I couldn't imagine myself in high school. It seemed too far away, too unfamiliar, to grown up. Now I'm 1 year away from graduating from college. It's amazing how things change. I think I'll look back on this time the same way. Life happens, whether you think it will or not.
One of the books I'm currently reading: A Severe Mercy
It's a great book, even though I am only a few chapters into it. Talk about two people being truely in love.
I've been having trouble recently when I'm trying to get to websites. I type in the address, or click on my link to it in my favorites, and am redirected to some other random site. Yesterday, my favorites link to this site was redirecting me to the UofM email login page. When I typed in the address it did the same thing. I've had that happen to me with other web pages as well, including my google homepage. They all end up at different sites. In order to get to the page I want to get to, I have to close IE and open it up again. So odd.
I made the mistake of going downtown today, the day before the Art Fair opens. No parking, and lots of detours where in store for me. Plus, I couldn't find what I was looking for to buy. Oh well. I don't think I've been to the art fair in at least 10-13 years. There is some cool stuff there, but what I remember about it from when I was little was that it was very hot, the sun was beating down on me, I was very thirsty, it was extremly crowded, and it made me very tired. Other than that it was a good time. In any case, I don't want to be tempted to pay for something that I don't need and don't have space for right now. Although, this could be the last year I have the opportunity to experiance the art fair, so perhaps I should risk it.
I made the mistake of going downtown today, the day before the Art Fair opens. No parking, and lots of detours where in store for me. Plus, I couldn't find what I was looking for to buy. Oh well. I don't think I've been to the art fair in at least 10-13 years. There is some cool stuff there, but what I remember about it from when I was little was that it was very hot, the sun was beating down on me, I was very thirsty, it was extremly crowded, and it made me very tired. Other than that it was a good time. In any case, I don't want to be tempted to pay for something that I don't need and don't have space for right now. Although, this could be the last year I have the opportunity to experiance the art fair, so perhaps I should risk it.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Grrr...the latest word on Ring Weekend is that they are moving the ring ceremony to Saturday. Some people might say I've waited 3 years for it, what's a few more hours, but to them I say "poo on you." I want my ring. I don't really care about my actual ring, although I am looking forward to getting it. What matters most to me is that it is a symbol of what I have accomplished so far over the past 3 years. I'd go into more depth, but that would be getting a bit too mushy gushy for me right now. Perhaps later when ring weekend is closer.
40 days to Ring Weekend
313 days till Graduation
40 days to Ring Weekend
313 days till Graduation
Oh My Gosh, Sir/Ma'am!
What a Beautiful Ring.
What a crass mass of brass and glass.
What a bold mold of rolled gold.
What a cool jewel you got from your school.
See how it sparkles and shines?
It must have cost you a fortune.
May I touch it?
May I touch it please, Sir/Ma'am?
What a Beautiful Ring.
What a crass mass of brass and glass.
What a bold mold of rolled gold.
What a cool jewel you got from your school.
See how it sparkles and shines?
It must have cost you a fortune.
May I touch it?
May I touch it please, Sir/Ma'am?
Monday, July 19, 2004
Personal entry...
As much as I want to get away from civilization, what I really want is someone to talk to. I've noticed that as my time away from school has progressed, I've started talking less and less. Part of my can't wait to get back to school, because there I'm not known because of the school I go to, or anything related to it. Of course, there I also don't have someone I can totally confide in. Does anybody have someone like that, or is it just some dream I have?
I feel like I have a bunch of different masks that I wear. Each of them is trying to hide something, and make me appear better than I actually am. I'm scared that someone I who I don't want to will strip off the mask and be very dissapointed in what they find, because it is the real me. When I'm home a lot of it stems from being known as the person who goes to USMA. People introduce me as "This is ___. She goes to West Point." I don't mind that in-an-of-itself, nor do I mind the dozens of questions that usually follow about the school. In fact, I enjoy answering the questions. What bothers me is that I feel like I am expected to be more spectacular than I actually am. I don't think they want to know the truth that I suck at running, I'm not great at push-ups, although West Point is hard at times, I think a lot of people have the idea that it is more challenging than it actually is. I don't think I've done anything spectacular in my time there, I haven't jumped out of an airplane yet, nor do I have my own personal stash of weapons that I can go off and shoot whenever I want. I haven't qualified with an M16 since Beast, I haven't thrown a grenade since Beast. Academically I'm somewhere in the middle, physically and militarly I'm ranked somewhere in the middle or lower. Hazing the plebes is not my specialty, in fact I rarely do it because I'm usually busy with crew. Sure there are things that are different than a regular college, but I didn't enter West Point and suddenly turn into super woman. I'm not that great.
When I tell people about the real experiance, especially the fact that I don't have my own stash of weapons and my athletic abilities, I feel like they are dissapointed and that they expected more from me. When I'm home I don't like entering in contests or competitions with people, because I feel like they expect me to perform better than perhaps I actually can, and be good at everything. Part of it stems from me developing into a person who hates to fail, or be showed up at anything. I've become an extremely competative, or perhaps it is egotistical, person, but it goes a bit overboard to the point where I'm afraid of failure.
This past semester I have been very depressed, more so than I ever have been before. Although I know it is not logical or rational, the phrase that repeats in my mind is "You are not good enough," that going for all areas of my life. I know perfectly well that there are religious issues or matters tied in with that, in fact I can hear my Dad delivering a sermon to me about it right now and know what points he most likely would bring up, but his little sermon in my head about it does not seem to be helping.
When I try and talk to someone about what is going on with me and what I am feeling, it usually ends up backfiring. I unload too much on them, and they end up distancing themselves from me because I am too depressing. Hence, I wear masks around most people. When I open up I push people away.
"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do..."
"All you wanted was somebody who cares..."
As much as I want to get away from civilization, what I really want is someone to talk to. I've noticed that as my time away from school has progressed, I've started talking less and less. Part of my can't wait to get back to school, because there I'm not known because of the school I go to, or anything related to it. Of course, there I also don't have someone I can totally confide in. Does anybody have someone like that, or is it just some dream I have?
I feel like I have a bunch of different masks that I wear. Each of them is trying to hide something, and make me appear better than I actually am. I'm scared that someone I who I don't want to will strip off the mask and be very dissapointed in what they find, because it is the real me. When I'm home a lot of it stems from being known as the person who goes to USMA. People introduce me as "This is ___. She goes to West Point." I don't mind that in-an-of-itself, nor do I mind the dozens of questions that usually follow about the school. In fact, I enjoy answering the questions. What bothers me is that I feel like I am expected to be more spectacular than I actually am. I don't think they want to know the truth that I suck at running, I'm not great at push-ups, although West Point is hard at times, I think a lot of people have the idea that it is more challenging than it actually is. I don't think I've done anything spectacular in my time there, I haven't jumped out of an airplane yet, nor do I have my own personal stash of weapons that I can go off and shoot whenever I want. I haven't qualified with an M16 since Beast, I haven't thrown a grenade since Beast. Academically I'm somewhere in the middle, physically and militarly I'm ranked somewhere in the middle or lower. Hazing the plebes is not my specialty, in fact I rarely do it because I'm usually busy with crew. Sure there are things that are different than a regular college, but I didn't enter West Point and suddenly turn into super woman. I'm not that great.
When I tell people about the real experiance, especially the fact that I don't have my own stash of weapons and my athletic abilities, I feel like they are dissapointed and that they expected more from me. When I'm home I don't like entering in contests or competitions with people, because I feel like they expect me to perform better than perhaps I actually can, and be good at everything. Part of it stems from me developing into a person who hates to fail, or be showed up at anything. I've become an extremely competative, or perhaps it is egotistical, person, but it goes a bit overboard to the point where I'm afraid of failure.
This past semester I have been very depressed, more so than I ever have been before. Although I know it is not logical or rational, the phrase that repeats in my mind is "You are not good enough," that going for all areas of my life. I know perfectly well that there are religious issues or matters tied in with that, in fact I can hear my Dad delivering a sermon to me about it right now and know what points he most likely would bring up, but his little sermon in my head about it does not seem to be helping.
When I try and talk to someone about what is going on with me and what I am feeling, it usually ends up backfiring. I unload too much on them, and they end up distancing themselves from me because I am too depressing. Hence, I wear masks around most people. When I open up I push people away.
"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do..."
"All you wanted was somebody who cares..."
Sunday, July 18, 2004
This past week I was on vacation with my family at the lake up north. My dad's brothers and their families were up there as well, along with two other families who our families are friends with. The time up there made me think about how lucky we all are. We're able to all get together at a nice lake, stay in two very nice houses, and have a wonderful time together for a week. The biggest arguments, which were not very big at all, were the adults saying what time the fire had to be put out at night, because they wanted it to be quiet so they could sleep. One of my uncles brought his boat up, so there was a lot of tubing and waterskiing, along with some knee boarding and wake boarding. I only went tubing because I was worried about how my shoulders. A few mornings I took a kayak out and paddled around, but found it rather dull. On wednesday afternoon I rode a bike 32 miles around the lake. That was very peacefull and relaxing, even more so than when I took my car and went out on drives to try and get away from civilization. On one of my car trips I found a place to go on a short hike that also had a very nice view of some hills. My cousins along with my sister and the kids of the family friends and I, would go to the bay and hang out, then stay up late making s'mores and talking around the fire. Overall it was a very relaxing week.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
Tomorrow I leave for a family vacation up north. It's the first vacation I've been on since the summer going into senior year. I'm not sure if I'll be able to water ski, but I'll at least be able to go tubing.
Earlier this week I went out to lunch with Misha, and then he gave me a tour of his work place. He works at Avacore helping develop the CoreControl system. He showed me some of the work he's been doing, and also let me try out a system. I guess it is being test out by both Army Rangers and Special Forces right now in hopes that in a few years it will be in a form avaliable for the military.
This morning I picked my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins up from the airport. I was really glad to see them again, although Isaac and Anna were practically sleeping with their eyes open because it was 6:30am, and they had just come from CA. After I dropped them off at my Grandma's house, I promptly went back home and fell asleep until 9:25 when my alarm went off. The snooze alarm was used every 8 minutes from then until around 10, when I finally made myself get up. I had to take my car back to the place I had the oil changed to make sure all the other fluids they changed were done correctly, and have them tighten the serpentine belt.
Matt and I made plans to meet for lunch at 12:30, but since I had a lot of time to spare between getting the car checked out and lunch, I decided to drive around a bit. I wanted to get away from civilization, but driving on dirt roads around farms was a close as I could get. It proved to be more refreshing than I expected, and I think that I'll do it again when I need to get away. I'm hoping that up north I can actually go hiking in some more remote areas.
Lunch was nice. It was good to see Matt again. He's a great guy. Afterwords I went to Cabela's and bought my first pair of hiking boots, as well as a pair of pants to wear while backpacking.
Earlier this week I went out to lunch with Misha, and then he gave me a tour of his work place. He works at Avacore helping develop the CoreControl system. He showed me some of the work he's been doing, and also let me try out a system. I guess it is being test out by both Army Rangers and Special Forces right now in hopes that in a few years it will be in a form avaliable for the military.
This morning I picked my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins up from the airport. I was really glad to see them again, although Isaac and Anna were practically sleeping with their eyes open because it was 6:30am, and they had just come from CA. After I dropped them off at my Grandma's house, I promptly went back home and fell asleep until 9:25 when my alarm went off. The snooze alarm was used every 8 minutes from then until around 10, when I finally made myself get up. I had to take my car back to the place I had the oil changed to make sure all the other fluids they changed were done correctly, and have them tighten the serpentine belt.
Matt and I made plans to meet for lunch at 12:30, but since I had a lot of time to spare between getting the car checked out and lunch, I decided to drive around a bit. I wanted to get away from civilization, but driving on dirt roads around farms was a close as I could get. It proved to be more refreshing than I expected, and I think that I'll do it again when I need to get away. I'm hoping that up north I can actually go hiking in some more remote areas.
Lunch was nice. It was good to see Matt again. He's a great guy. Afterwords I went to Cabela's and bought my first pair of hiking boots, as well as a pair of pants to wear while backpacking.
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
So far home has been relaxing. I've spent a lot of time reading and hanging out with my sisters, or at least one of my sisters. Heidi just got back from up north yesterday, and so I've only spent a little time with her. Betsy invited me to practice with her slow pitch softball team, and that has been very enjoyable. It feels great to throw a ball and swing a bat again. Her team has their first game on Thursday and I am planning on going to it.
This afternoon Betsy and I went out to buy a tennis racket so that we could play tennis after Mass and dinner, but the sporting goods store we went to was in the procces of moving, and they didn't have any tennis stuff out. Instead we looking at the athletic clothing, and I showed her what kind of clothing was good for wicking sweat away from the body. We both ended up spending a fair amount of money on athletic clothes there. I had to force myself to leave the store before I bought anything more.
Last night I tried my hand at making a strawberry-rhubarb pie. It was a bit soupy at first, but it has thickend up a bit. I think it turned out fairly well, since there is only a quarter or so of it left. Perhaps I'll make another one later.
It's amazing, although I have easy access to the home computer as well as my laptop while I am home, I spend far less time on the computer. Yesterday I didn't even touch one. Today I spent some time online researching hiking and biking trails in Michigan. The end result was that I came to the conclusion that I don't have the correct bike to go on most of the trails, and I don't have the equipment needed to go on a hiking trip. I had to resist the urge to go out and remedy the problem.
This afternoon Betsy and I went out to buy a tennis racket so that we could play tennis after Mass and dinner, but the sporting goods store we went to was in the procces of moving, and they didn't have any tennis stuff out. Instead we looking at the athletic clothing, and I showed her what kind of clothing was good for wicking sweat away from the body. We both ended up spending a fair amount of money on athletic clothes there. I had to force myself to leave the store before I bought anything more.
Last night I tried my hand at making a strawberry-rhubarb pie. It was a bit soupy at first, but it has thickend up a bit. I think it turned out fairly well, since there is only a quarter or so of it left. Perhaps I'll make another one later.
It's amazing, although I have easy access to the home computer as well as my laptop while I am home, I spend far less time on the computer. Yesterday I didn't even touch one. Today I spent some time online researching hiking and biking trails in Michigan. The end result was that I came to the conclusion that I don't have the correct bike to go on most of the trails, and I don't have the equipment needed to go on a hiking trip. I had to resist the urge to go out and remedy the problem.
Sunday, July 04, 2004
Home at last :)
I was supposed to get into Detroit around 10pm on Friday night, but my plane was delayed in North Carolina, and so I ended up missing my connection to Detroit. There wasn't another flight until 6:30 the next morning, so they put me on that flight to Cleavland, and from there on a flight to Detroit. I made it into Detroit at 10:10 am Saturday morning. The important thing is that I am finally home. Yay!
I love my jeep. It is even better than I imagined. My parents drove it to the airport so that I could drive it home. I also like all the work my parents have done on the house. They have redone all of the first floor except the family room and the bathroom. It looks very nice, and I also like having a kitchen while I am home this time.
Betsy invited me to a bonfire tonight, and so I went over there. I was able to see some of my friends from middle school, and also some of my sister's friends whom I'd met before but don't really know. The bonfire was fun, and we made s'mores. Yummy.
It's so nice to relax. Woohoo, I'm home.
I was supposed to get into Detroit around 10pm on Friday night, but my plane was delayed in North Carolina, and so I ended up missing my connection to Detroit. There wasn't another flight until 6:30 the next morning, so they put me on that flight to Cleavland, and from there on a flight to Detroit. I made it into Detroit at 10:10 am Saturday morning. The important thing is that I am finally home. Yay!
I love my jeep. It is even better than I imagined. My parents drove it to the airport so that I could drive it home. I also like all the work my parents have done on the house. They have redone all of the first floor except the family room and the bathroom. It looks very nice, and I also like having a kitchen while I am home this time.
Betsy invited me to a bonfire tonight, and so I went over there. I was able to see some of my friends from middle school, and also some of my sister's friends whom I'd met before but don't really know. The bonfire was fun, and we made s'mores. Yummy.
It's so nice to relax. Woohoo, I'm home.
Thursday, July 01, 2004
This morning I woke up, and the first thought that entered my mind was "I wish I had CTLT in Korea, because then I'd be leaving today, and since Korea is a few time zones away, I'd have already left." Work today consisted of PT, and then around 9:30 they let me go and run errands I needed to do. I was able to get a box to ship home full of stuff, get a new set of dog tags, buy a new brown bdu t-shirt, and get a new pair of glasses. After lunch I went back to the pack shed, where my LT gave me a hard time for having yesterday afternoon off, and then having the mornign off to run errands. He then proceeded to let me go back to the hotel, because there wasn't anything for me to do.
1 more day :)
1 more day :)
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