Berry is really cuddly right now. She is also very clingy. Right now I'm sitting at the computer and she's right beside me looking at me with her puppy eyes. Either she wants food or wants to go outside. I better go see which one it is.

Ever notice that while you're talking to someone you feel a constant need to reaffirm your selfworth and show that you are as good as them, if not better? Not a healthy feeling by any means. I've caught myself in that trap a few times in the past month or so and now that I've noticed it I'm trying to do something about it. Just what that is, I'm not quite sure. As a whole, I'm fine with who I am right now, what I'm doing, what I've accomplished, where I'm headed in life, what kind of person I am, and all that stuff. However, every so often out pop those horrible thoughts that I'm not good enough, I'll never be accepted, everything is fake, and basically I'm worthless. It is at those times that I remember that: 1. God loves me, made me who I am, has a plan for my life, is in control, I can turn to Him, and He never makes a mistake. 2. My family loves me, supports me, and likes me the way I am. and 3. I am surronded by friends who I know I can trust, like me for who I am, and support me. What it all boils down to is that money, material possesions, looks, knowledge, etc, can all fade away, but no matter what happens, no matter the circumstances, I'll always be a child of God and loved by my Father in Heaven. So when I feel the need to reaffirm my selfworth and value, I am forgetting, and thereby rejecting in a way, who I really am and what Jesus has done for me by dying on the cross to save me. He wouldn't do that to save someone who is worthless and He didn't love, yet He made the ultimate sacrifice for everyone's sake. Therefore He must think everyone is worthwhile and He loves everyone , but it is my choice whether or not I accept His love.

No clue if that made any sense or not. I just wrote with the flow and it's 2:30am. I'm going to bed.

I just finished watching a thing I put together for my friend Annah for her birthday and it made me miss her and all my other friends from school. This morning right after I got up Annah called me, and then later in the day I talked to Anne online and on the phone. Save for during my trip to Albequerque this past summer, I think this is the most I've ever kept in touch with my friends from school over a break. It seems like we all have similar feelings of missing each other. I really like having a break, but it's more than a week before I get to see all of them again and it seems so long.

Plebe year and the beginning of yearling year I didn't believe Annah and James when they told me that I wouldn't want to go home as much. I still have friends around here, but it's not the same as it was in high school. We've all changed a bit and gone different ways.

Teresa called me today and we got together a plan to hang out next week. I haven't seen or talked to her since this summer. She told me that over her recent trip she got engaged. While I was talking to Anne later on the phone I mentioned that fact and said it seems like there's an engagment virus going around. She joked that it must be pretty contagious and suggested I wear a gas mask when I see Teresa or else I may catch it. I guess I'd better wear one when I see Stephanie as well because she's engaged, or will be in just a few days. She showed me a picture of the ring she's getting from Nick on the 4th. It's so beautiful. Anyway, I think I'm safe from that virus for now.

Yesterday I woke up, looked out the window and realized it was snowing. There was about an inch or so on the ground. It was a white Christmas :) It didn't snow much more, and didn't stick around for very long, but the little there was looked nice. Christmas with my family was nice. It's not quite the same as it was when I was little, because all of my sisters and I are older, and Heidi has her own house, so we don't get up at 6am anymore and race downstairs.

Today we went over to my Grandma's house. I really liked seeing Anna and Isaac, my little cousins, again. At school my friends always hear all about them. They kept climbing all over me and asking for horsey and piggy back rides, along with one they invented called the robot ride. It was easy when they were really little, but now that Anna is 5 and Isaac is 6 it makes for a really good workout, especially when they both climb on at once.

Towards the end of the evening my left ear started to hurt a little. By the time we opened presents it was throbing and occasional sharp pains shot through it. Soon after all the presents were opened I drove home and curled up on the couch. The pain was excrutiating by that time. I'd taken 2 tylonel and some nasal decongestant like my mom had suggested, but it still hurt a lot. She then suggested some heat might help and warmed up a rice bag for me in the microwave. The heat felt really good and took care of a lot of the pain. Now, about 3 hours later, the pain is just about all gone, but my ear feels clogged up. I hope it's all cleared up by tomorrow morning.

Merry Christmas!

It's not quite Christmas yet, but it probably will be by the time I post this. This evening my parents and I went to the Christmas Eve service at Church. I decided to wear dress mess mostly because I was too lazy to figure out something else to wear. At Church almost everyone came up to me and commented on how beautiful and elegant I looked, and how much they liked the uniform. It was quite a change from at school where some people seem to think that no girls look good in uniform, no matter what. The service was pretty nice. Christmas Eve services are probably my favorite service of the whole year.

Today I've been looking at used Chevy S-10's and trying to convince my parents that a car is a good idea. Why does car insurance have to be so expensive?

I miss my friends from school.

Yay! I have a way to check my school email now.

I wish I knew how to check my school email. I haven't been able to check it since last wednesday. When they rearranged the network at school, they changed how to log into email when your away, but didn't tell us the new method.

I feel like I've been productive today. I cleaned and rearranged my room at home, made some muddy buddy chex mix, but instead of chex cereal I used Resses Puffs cereal, my dad and I did a tiny bit of work on the computer setting up VMware, and I tried to do some Christmas shopping, but only got one present.

Yesterday I went and worked out at Domino's Farms. It was nice being back there again. I can't believe it's been two and a half years since I worked out there with Christina as my personal trainer. In the evening I went over to Becki's house and then we went and picked up Kyle. We all made some oatmeal-cranberry-chocolate chip cookies and watched 8 mile. It was so nice to be able to bake again. I miss baking. The kitchen at home is being redone and so there isn't any place to bake. My dad says that next week the kitchen will hopefully be further along and I'll have my choice of 3 ovens to use to bake :)

This afternoon Anne and I were talking on IM and discussing cars. We were looking at trucks and suv's. I want an suv, but that's not going to happen. My dad said to call and ask the insurance company about rates on trucks and then use that to determine what kind to get. My dream is to get one over break and then have my parents drive it down to Florida for me during spring break. I won't be home again until summer, so that's why I thought of that idea. I told Anne about it and she liked it and had that idea that if she got a car too, then our parents could caravan down there with them. However, my dad wasn't so thrilled about the idea.

On Friday Adam asked me to 500th night :)

Oh blah

It doesn't seem like Christmas.

Wow! It's amazing how things change. I'm very happy right now due to two IM's two of my friends sent me this morning. I didn't get either of them until 2pm this afternoon when I woke up for the second time. Usualy I don't sleep in very late, but it was really nice to today. I hope I don't sleep in that late anymore this break. I kinda feel like I wasted the day when I do. Of course, I'm not about to get up at 5:30 or 6am. Ahh, break at last :)

Why is w.bloggar acting weird?

Why am I still up? I have no idea. Betsy keeps asking me what I want for Christmas and she's getting annoyed because I can't think of anything. The one thing I eventually said I wanted was a date to 500th night. She didn't like that answer. She suggested I go with Sam, but there's the small problem of me not knowing Sam. Ich weiss nicht. I'm tired. It's late. I'm going to bed.

I'm done with TEE's, I just finished cleaning out room, and in 3 hours I'm getting up and heading home. My CS today went horribly, but I think I did okay on my IR TEE.

My plan was to come back from IR and start cleaning right away, because I hadn't done anything at all about clearing out my room. The S's invited our OCF group over because Jessica was there, but I wasn't planning on going because of all the cleaning I had to do. Brian took it upon himself to try and convince me to go. I couldn't figure out why he kept trying to get me to go. After I refutted all of his ideas of why I couldn't put off cleaning and go, he convinced me to go later when Celio went up. Pure and simple peer pressure. When I got to the S's house he procceded to tell me that he had won once again. A few days ago I had told him that I really wanted to beat him at something, anything, but he always seemed to win. I'll beat him at something sometime.

I could go to bed right now, but I think I'd just lay there and not be able to sleep. Right now I'm listening to country. Perhaps listening to some calming music will help. Hmm, the classical station isn't calm music. Maybe Nature Sounds will work. Nope, it puts me on edge. I'll go with Lite Rock. Wow. I haven't listened to that station in a really long time. I now realize why I stopped listening to that station. Ah well, I'm going to go make some snowflakes at http://snowflakes.lookandfeel.com/

Somehow my math teacher already managed to grade all of our TEE's and post our final grades. I guess that's the good thing about having only 16 other cow's with a CS major. My teacher must have curved the test a lot, because my grade in the class actually went up. I ended up with a C. I went into the TEE with a C-. Pretty sweet.

I'd say I'm a B+ personality type. Very close to an A, but when it really comes down to it, a B+ is still a B.

Now let us discuss Mil Art. First topic, Revolution in Military Affairs. There are Technological developments whcihc are turned into practical military systems, Doctrinal (operational) innovations, Organizational Adaption, and social, political, econoci developments.

It's boring to write about, and not a very effective study method. Back to my old method.

Somehow, I don't think my teacher was looking for my answer of "Poof! And it's proven magically" when he asked for an indirect proof to prove something on the TEE.

I found out my room for next semester. It's actually the same three person room I was in last year, but now Jill is going to be roommates with us instead of Tara. Tara's on medical leave for the semester.

1 TEE down, 4 to go. Next up is MA376and Mil Art, followed by CS386 and International Relations on Wednesday. By Wednesday night I think I'll be in a coma, which won't help packing very much. Only 14 hours of tests left.

I think of him constantly and want to tell everyone about him. Nothing in the world is better than spending time with him. He waits each day for me to talk to him, and nothing makes him happier than spending time with me. I want to share everything with him and spend every moment with him. He's the one that I go to when I'm happy, sad, hurt, scared. He takes care of everything, comforts me, holds me in his arms, makes my worries dissapear. I realize how inadequate I am. I'm not worthy of his love, yet he still love me with all of my flaws. He's my best friend, my closest companion. I'll do anything he asks; I trust him completly. He challenges me to go outside my comfort zone, but is right there by my side the whole time. In the hard times he carries me. There's nothing he likes more than hearing me say I love him, and there's nothing I like more than telling him that. Even when I hurt him, he accepts me with open arms and a loving heart, forgiving everything. He'll never hurt me, he'll never leave me, and I can't imagine a life without him. He is the most important thing to me, nothing comes before him. I love him and he loves me.

Last night the S's had our OCF group over for the eveing. As usual, it was a great time. I was able to talk to Mrs. S about a question I had come across during my Bible study the day before. The S's are amazing people. Mrs. S also was really nice and patched a hole that I discovered in Joe Bear's head. I brought him with me to make a new episode, but when I reached into the back to pull him out, my finger when straight into his head. She sewed him up and he's a good as new.

It's snowing:)

What is up with the way the page looks when I open it up on my desktop? It's fine on my laptop.

Christmas dinner was pretty nice yesterday, although I didn't care for the actual meal very much.

Classes are over for the semester. TEE's start tomorrow, but I don't have my first one until Monday afternoon. Then I have 5 in a row, ending on Wednesday evening. Thursday I'm taking the 6am bus to the airport. 5 tee's, 2.5 days, 17.5 hours of tests in a row. Fun.

This semester went by pretty fast. I hope I don't have to repeat it.

It's amazing how things change.

So much for trying to go snowboarding/skiing with Anne and Brian on Friday. It's raining outside and the temp is supposedly 52 degrees. I can't wait till it snows and actually sticks around long enough so I can go snowboarding.

Today in Mil Art, my teacher showed us about 10 minutes of the movie Alien, and then kinda tied it into the lesson. He asked who had never seen the movie before, and one other person and I raised our hands. I guess that makes me a failure in life. Okay, that's not really what he said at all, but he was suprised that we had never seen it. After watching the clip, I now want to see the whole thing. Isn't the quadrilogy coming out in a set soon, or was that a different movie?

In IR, our teacher brought in coffee and doughnuts for the class. We spent the whole period basically griping about West Point. The main topics were the $15 earmuffs, the Comm, and the different monopolies around here.

Paper bags full of stuff from the C-store don't mix very well with rain. I have Christmas shopping done for one person, my Grandma. I have no clue what to get anybody else.

MercyMe - Word Of God Speak Lyrics

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay
The last thing I need is to be heard
But to hear what You would say

[Chorus]
Word of God speak
Would You pour down like rain
Washing my eyes to see
Your majesty
To be still and know
That You're in this place
Please let me stay and rest
In Your holiness
Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You
Beyond the music, beyond the noise
All that I need is to be with You
And in the quiet hear Your voice

[Chorus 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words
And the funny thing is it's okay

Today, that being Tuesday, was a really good day. Morning practice went very well, and both coach's liked my idea about having an erg contest. Coach Holland also told me that Coach Steve said I rowed well. That was definetly nice to hear, because usually I only hear that I need to slow my slide more, stay constant, get my hands away faster, etc. On the way up from the boathouse the sunrise was extremely beautiful. Late fall/ winter sunrises and sunsets are so pretty. In fact, all sunrises and sunsets are at anytime of year, but in the fall and winter they have a softer glow to them with colors that gently blend into one another.

Anyway, then, in Mil Art we had a suprise quiz, but my teacher let us use the course notebook and instead of failing it, I actually aced it and got the bonus points. He also handed back the papers. I figured I'd probably get a C or so on the paper, but was very happy to find it was an A. Writing standards for English and Mil Art are extremely different. I had two free periods before lunch and so took some time for a Bible study/ prayer time. The topic was "What Makes God Smile" but instead of focusing on that, I found that passages about watching what I say, such as Eph 4:29 and James 3:9 kept coming up and I felt like God was trying to tell me something and so I've been thinking about that a lot for the rest of the day. I think I now know why.

In the afternoon I went in for a very productive AI session for CS. After class last hour I went with Jordan to the S's house. While waiting for Mrs. S. I made a bunch of snowballs and ambushed Jordan when she came by. She tried to tackle me in the snow, but ended up getting more snow on her then I got on myself. Spending the afternoon over at the S's house was really nice. I've really opened up a lot more to them this year and am more myself. From there we all went the the OCF Christmas party, which was also a lot of fun. I love OCF. After that I went back to the barracks and my project partner and I got to work on our EE project, which we managed to get working 5 minutes before TAPs. It's so cool.

Yikes, it's late. Stupid MS essay.... I mean, really helpful and useful MS essay. Riiiiight.

MS class...what did I learn in that class?

Last night, with some assistance from Annah, I made a new Joe Bear episode. I came back from Army Navy and found a package from Build a Bear on my desk. My mom had bought Joe Bear the BDU outfit:) Thanks Mom! During the shooting of the episode my camera started to complain about the battery power. It tends to do that if I have it on for more then 10 minutes in any space of time. I need new batteries for it, but can't find the right kind and don't really have the time to look. By the end of the photo taking I was begging my camera to give me one more picture. I was also dreaming of getting a new digital camera, but that's not likely to happen. I have a Kodak DX3900 right now that I got at the end of Plebe year. It works pretty well with 3.1 magapixels and a 2x optical zoom, but it's nothing compared to the camera's that are out now. Camera's are like computers, a month after you buy one the newest latest and greatest model comes out that is 10 times better then the one you bought. Ah well, someday I'll get a new camera that'll be the latest and greatest and be happy with it once again for about a week before a better one comes out.

As I said before, I love my friends. I can talk to them about stuff that I never felt comfertable talking to people about before, that being God and religion. A few days ago I mentioned that I'd started a new book for my daily prayer/Bible study time. I take notes in a little notebook and the stuff that God has shown me has been amazing and so useful in my life. Usually it's off the topic of the daily Bible study and I come across it as I look deeper in the Bible abotu the subject of the day. For instance, on 03 December the topic of the day was "Life Is a Temporary Assignment." Two verses that really hit me during the Bible Study, which happened to be adjacent to the actual verses for the day, were 1 Peter 2:11-12 and 1 Corinthians 7:33-35. The 1 Corinthians passage was particularly moving and I talked about it with Anne today at dinner. I love being able to go to my friends like Anne, Leah, and Amanda and have converstaions about stuff. The other cool thing of the day was that this evening I went over to my EE partner's room to work on our EE360 project. We first listend to Christmas music, and after that was through she turned on a Christian praise CD from FCA. It was really good. I happened to see a bible study thing she had on her bookshelf and was looking at it and so she told me about it. I told her I'd just started a new book of my own, and she asked what the title was. I told her it was "The Purpose Driven Life" and she went over to her desk and picked up a book and said "You mean this book?" It turns out a friend of hers had gotten the same book for her for her Birthday and said it was really good. She hadn't started it yet, but was going to once TEE's finished. It's so cool.

Time for bed so that I can get up for morning practice. yay...

Army lost to Navy this weekend in the big football game. I don't think I've ever been more mad in my life as I was when the Corps marched into the stadium before the game. Formation for the game was at 12am in the parking lot outside the stadium and so my friends and I got there around 11:30. Most of the other cadets who had taken pass were there at that time as well. The busses with cadets on them that drove from West Point were supposed to get there around that time as well, but due to the snow they didn't make it until about 2:30 or so. We were supposed to march on at 2pm, but at 1:30 rumors started to spread around that it was pushed back until 3pm. At 1pm our first sgt went around and told people not to move because we'd soon form up and march over the the hockey area so that we wouldn't have to stand on the ice any longer, but that was a bunch of false hope. We kept waiting, but nothing happened and we stood out there the whole time. What made me so angry was that the corps had to wait outside in the parking lot, which was covered with a sheet of snow/ice, in 20 degree weather, and we were not supposed to go anywhere, while higher ranking people were not out there with us. I didn't see any bathrooms, and definetly no water around, except for the few patches of melted ice on the ground. I heard a plebe tell someone that he was extremely thirsty, but there wasn't anything we could do for him. I saw at most two officers out there very briefly for the whole 3+ hours that we stood out there on that ice. Our shoes have no insulation, and although most people wore mutliple pairs of socks, the cold seeped straight through the shoes and everyone's feet froze. Many people who did not wear coreframes had water seep into their shoes, which made it even worse for them. After 3 hours when we started moving, nobody could feel their feet. When we were marching in my feet started to thaw a bit and the pain set in. It was so bad that I started to limp. When we walked into the tunnel under the stadium I saw all of the officers huddled in there. That was when I was more angry then I've ever been. I dressed as warmly as I could, but was still very cold and my feet were froze. I know that there were many cadets out there who did not dress warmly and had no protection for their head or ears besides the grey service cap, which does nothing to protect the ears. A few took their rain cover for the service cap and wore it kinda like a shower cap in order to shield their ears. Whereas Navy got to leave and come back later, those officers made the corps stand out there and literaly freeze in the parking lot, while they shielded themselves from the cold and ice. That is one of the best examples of poor leadership that I've seen in my cadet career.

The big news around the corps right now is the snow storm. It hasn't started snowing here yet, but Philadelphia has over 5 inches of snow and a foot is expected. The people taking the bus now have to form up at 4 and leave at 6am instead of 8am. My friends and I are leaving at 4pm this afternoon to drive down.

(Mom, since you read this: Yes, we will be very carefull, will watch out for other drivers, and leave plenty of space between cars, wear clothes that are warm enough in case something happens with the car and we have to walk, have my cell phone with me, and make sure that nobody drives if they are tired. Did I cover everything? I wish you and Dad were here for the game. Get well soon.)

Today I'm feeling much better. I think yesterday afternoon was the worst of it. I skipped practice, with Mindy's permission, and slept because I could barely move and Anne kept yelling at me to go to bed.

Since I have and hour before my last class I'm going to take a nap. Yay :)

The front page of the NY Times had a picture of one of the milk cartons that are served in the mess hall. The sports page had an article about West Point and a football player.

The varsity women's crew team had a distro war about correct grammer tonight. As I said, I love my friends. We're all nerds together.

My parents are awesome, and although they aren't coming this weekend, they sent a package to me with 40 or so packets of hand warmers. My friends and I hopefully will have a chance of staying warm at the game this year.

I must say that I love my friends here. They are all awesome people.

Tomorrow I leave for Philly and the Army Navy game with Mike, Leah, Celio, Brian, Anne, Krisin, Sam, and Jenny. Looks like it'll be a good weekend, although the big snowstorm expected may through in a but of excitment. The only down part is that my parents aren't coming anymore :(

Go Army! Beat Navy!

Some days are better then others, unfortuanatly this was not one of them. Even though it wasn't that great of a day, it wasn't horrible. I'd go into details, but homework calls. Fun stuff.

Winter has finally arrived here, just in time for the Army Navy game. It flurried twice today, but didn't accumulate to much on the ground. Army Navy Drill was rather cold today, and thankfully we only had to run through it once. We were all supposed to march back up to the barracks afterwords, but my regiment decided to break ranks and run away on our own. I was really happy to do that, because 15 minutes after I got to my room I could still here people from 1st, 2nd, and 3rd reg marching up.

Cool thing of the day: I've started a new book for my daily Bible study time. It's The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. Today's segment was about seeing life from God's view. One part of it discussed life on Earth as a trust and how God entrusts us each with certain gifts. 1 Corinthians 4:7, Luke 16:11, and Luke 12:48 all stood out to me. Then, at OCF the topic for our small group discussion was time and gifts. It was really cool how the two fit together. Today's left me wondering what gifts God has given me and how I can use them.

Yet another announcement today of someone in the cow class getting engaged. The trend is catching on fast.

An argument broke out this evening over the awarding of points for Adam and Anne. It resulted in an email war between the judges. Mostly it was Jordan and I against Annah. Annah's supposed to be on Anne's side with us....I mean, we are fair, non-biased judges who happen to award Anne 1 billion points and Adam 1 point. It's all relative. The cool thing is, nobody has any idea what I am talking about :)

Sweet! I just realized that since today is now technically Wednesday, my parents will be here tomorrow. I'll hopefully catch up with them at the Goat-Engineer football game and bonfire. At this time last year a huge snowstorm hit.

It's amazing how things change.

In other news, I'm now the women's crew team Activity SGT. My goal is to unite the team and bring us closer together through fun activities, competitions, and spending time together outside of regular crew practice and trips.

Although I felt like I was about to come down with a cold last night, overall I feel much better after Thanksgiving break then I felt before the break. Christmas break is only 2.5 weeks away, not far at all. The break was really nice, although I really crashed. My brain refused to function. On Saturday I woke up and had a list of things in my head that I had to accomplish. When I realized that I was mildly stressed out about it, I said screw it and threw out the list. If I got to it, then I got to it, otherwise it didn't really matter.

Both Thanksgivings that I had with the different sides of the family were good. One of my cousins annouced her engagment, and another cousin on the other side is already married and due in Feb. Both of them are 21. This year started and everybody suddenly grew up. People my age are getting engaged and married. It doesn't seem real yet.

Heidi and I went to see Elf on Friday. It's a pretty good movie.

Misha and I were going to go out and see a movie on Saturday night, but the Thanksgiving dinner with my Mom's side of the family ran later then I thought. Instead, Misha and I went downtown and got coffee, then we walked around a bit. It was fun.

I have to admit something. I'm addicted to a very harmful substance. Every year it causes thousands of deaths. In fact, it is a factor in one of the leading causes of death in the United States. Not only that, it impares driving and causes even more deaths that way. I've tried to quit, to break the habit, to stop the addiction, but I keep going back to the substance. When I go a day without it, the need for it becomes even worse. Sometimes I feel as though I won't make it much longer if I don't have it. I'm suprised that it hasn't been banned yet. If people only realized how harmful it is, then the substance would probably be banned in a second. Even right now I feel the craving for it coming back. It's getting stronger by the minute. Dihydrogen monoxide is taking over my life. Please help.

Here is a good website about the harmful effects: Dihydrogen Monoxide - The Truth

Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.