Somebody Shared

My TOC likes to share with each other. When somebody gets a package containing food, especially candy or cookies, they usually open it up for anyone to have some. In fact, there is a whole drawer set aside for food, although most of it is candy. It used to be right by my desk, but I moved it yesterday to across the TOC so that I wouldn't be as tempted to eat it all the time. One other thing someone in the TOC shared with me, or at least I assume it was someone in the TOC because they are the people I am around all the time, is a cold. I woke up this morning ready to get out of bed and go for a run with Jordan, and then realized that I was feeling under the weather. I ended up not getting up until around 0610, which ment that after I got showered and dressed I had to rush my prayer time in order to make it to breakfast. My best days are days that I start out with a good workout/run and a focused prayer time that is not rushed. Hopefully today won't be too bad.

The weather is warming up. The temp now ranges from the high 50s at night to the high 70s/low 80s during the day. I'm looking forward to going home for 2 weeks and experiancing a bit of real winter/spring.

Something I do like about Iraq are the sunrises and sunsets. They are amazing.

Giving Thanks

The more I hearfrom my friends in other units, especially fellow MI Lieutenants, and the things they were doing, the more I've started to envy them them. Last night as I was riding my bike back to my trailer after yet another day feeling like I wasn’t doing enough and grumbling in my mind, a verse from 1 Thessalonians popped into my head. "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)." My first reaction was of course, "No! I don’t want to give thanks. Why should I give thanks? Other people are doing cool and interesting things, but I’m stuck in an office feeling like a robot could do just as good of a job as I’m doing."

1 Thessalonians kept repeated in my head all the way back to my room, but my attitude hadn’t changed. I knew I was in the wrong, and that God has specifically placed me where I am for a reason, although I may not know that reason, but I still didn’t want to give thanks.
Since misery loves company I decided to see if one of my friends was in her trailer so that I could go vent to her about my job. She wasn’t there, and that probably turned out to be a good thing. I know that she isn’t too happy in her job, and so my telling her about my problems would most likely only serve to get us both complaining. Starting a complaining session the opposite of what Paul said to do in Ephesians 4:29 when he wrote, "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."

After having not succeeded in talking to my friend, I went back to my room and decided to hash it out with God, which is what I should’ve done in the first place. It started out as a one sided conversation with me telling him why I was unhappy. Two things came to mind in the midst of my talking to Him: Repent and give thanks, so that is what I did. I repented for my grumbling, for comparing myself to others and being envious of them and their job, and also seeking an escape in things (sleep, the growing candy stash in the TOC, and complaining to friends) instead of turning to God. Next I asked God to change me or change my job. It’s a simple prayer, but has a lot of power. Finally I started to give thanks. It was still hard to do at first, so I decided to find a few verses about being thankful:

-Colossians 3:17, 23
- Daniel 6:10
- Philippians 2:14

Once I started thanking God for my job I started to see it in a new light. Right now I have periods where I am very busy, but also periods where I don’t have much to do in the TOC. During those less active periods I am able to read the Bible and other books that help me grow in my faith and relationship with Christ. One more thing to be thankful about is that I have the opportunity to be a witness specifically to those I work with through how I live out my faith in daily life. Early on they noticed that I don’t swear and don’t join in with crude jokes. They also noticed I was, as one of the NCO put it, "very religious." I don’t know if it because I am the only female in the TOC, or if it is because I am a Christian, but I’ve heard it said more than once, "it’s a good thing you’re in here ma’am, because otherwise the language would be a lot worse." My witness may be small, but at least it’s a start and something to be thankful about.

It Works!

It's amazing, the internet in my room is working and it is relatively fast. This is very unusual.

Today I recieved my combat patch. Still kinda weird to think that I graduated west point less than a year ago and graduated OBC 29 days before I deployed. Some more of my classmates are in Iraq. I just saw Jordan at lunch, but only got to say hi to her briefly. My OBC class has been keeping in touch with each other. Hearing some of the stuff other people are doing makes me wonder how much I'm realy doing. I wish I could get out there more, but don't know if that's going to happen.

Happy Valentines Day

Happy Valentines Day! My family, I love and miss you all. Last week I got a valentines day card from Aunt Kathy and today I got a card and fun size thing of peanut m&ms from a couple who sent them to everyone in the BN.

Running the Race

Yesterday I had another day of rest. Once again it was very nice. I really felt God speaking to me at each of the services I attended. I have to say I didn't really want to hear some of the stuff He was saying because He was asking me to go outside my nice Christianity comfort zone and step out in faith. At the 1230 protestant service during the first portion, which is singing, the songs were great songs, Rob was doing a great job leading, but it seemed like pulling peoples teeth to get them to worship God. The congreation just wasn't joining in. I felt God asking me to step out in faith and play along on the bongo drums, but I balked and made up the excuse that I had never played them before and didn't want to sound horrible. He wasn't buying my excuse, but I never did pick up the bongo drums. I was afraid to step out, to go outside my Christianity comfort zone and actually let God use me and lead me. I actually ended up getting down on my knees during the singing and
started praying for God help me surrender everything to Him and to trust Him to lead me when I am outside my comfort zone and have only Him to look to.

I think God was really speaking to me, because then the message during the service was on Joshua 3-4, about how God commanded the Israelites to build a memorial after crossing the Jordan. When they had crossed the Red Sea it signified their first coming to Christ, kind of like the first time someone accepts Jesus as their savior. They had the pillar of clouds or the pillar of fire leading them. Then, after wandering aroudn the desert for 40 years they were crossing the Jordan, but this time they was not a pillar of clouds or column of fire mentioned, but isntead the priests carrying the ark of the covenant ahead of them. They were crossing into the unknown, knowing that they were finally headed tot he promised land, but that there were most likely enemies they would encouter along the way. The crossing the Jordan marked the end of their wandering around in the desert and accepting God completely. The chaplain used it as an analogy as someone going from accepting Chris
t as their savior, to them accepting him as their Lord and Savior and turning everything over to Him. It seemed to fit what I had just experianced. I've asked God to help me turn everything over to Him before, but over time I've slowly reached back to try and gain control. I'm at that spot again where I need to hand everything over and be willing to go and do whatever God asks me no matter the cost. Perhaps I'll be playing bongo drums next Sunday.

On another topic, tomorrow is Valentines Day. Happy Valentines Day! While listenting to people tell about what Valentines day gifts they are sending to their wives and girlfriends back home it's easy to get caught up in feeling sorry for myself in being single, but there are two things that keep coming to mind. One is the Joe Bear episode I made last Valentines Day. As silly as it may be, it serves as a good reminder to me about what is really important. The other thing that keeps coming to mind last year, which is that the way to seek a spouse is to run towards Christ with every ounce of your being and then look to your right and left and see who can keep up. In the past I've found myself be in a relationship where the other person is moving at more of a slow walk, if that. I'm through slowing down for anyone or anything, I'm looking for someone who is also running towards Christ with everything they've got. I don't say spriting though because spriting implies you go
really fast, but it's only for a short time and eventually you either slow down a lot, or stop.

Enough of my somewhat deep thoughts.

One last note. I showed Christy the Joe Bear site and she wants to help out on a new episode. Now I just have to think of the story line and figure out how to ensure there are no OPSEC violations in making it.

Mondays

Even though every day is just like every other day, Mondays are still the worst. On Mondays I have to prepare an short intel presentation on the routes we've traveled or are going to travel recently. It really shouldn't be that hard to prepare, but for some reason it puts me in a rather bad mood. My head usually hurst by the end of the day after preparing the briefing, and it's not because I've been doing too much analysis. In fact, I hardely get a chance to do much analysis at all because I'm focused on making sure I have all the times and placements correct and that I'm not missing any Sigacts. Ah well, it is my job so I shouldn't complain.

Not So Far Away

The other day I was walking back from lunch with some of the other lieutenants when I spotted a smooth rock on the ground next to a large puddle of water. As I reached down to pick the rock up we were suddenly transported back to the states standing by the edge of a smooth lake skipping rocks. We watched as the rock hopped across the top of the water creating little ripples as it went, and with each ripple our thoughts went back to our family and friends back in the states. For a moment home didn’t seem so far away. The magic ended as the rock sank to the bottom and we were once again in Iraq, standing beside a puddle, heading back to work.

The Past Week

Recently I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying, but haven't really felt in the mood to write. I still don't feel much like writing, but perhaps I will once I start going.

I had a day of rest on Sunday, which was wonderful. I slept in and then read in bed for a bit. On my way to the 10am Mass I stopped by the phones and called home. After Mass I quickly popped my head in the TOC to make sure everything was fine. I then met up with Christy and Dan and went to lunch which was followed by going to the Protestant Contemporary service. After the service I went back to my room, watched 24, and finally guilted myself into getting up and heading to the gym for a bit. The day was very relaxing and I'm really looking forward to my next day of rest.

I received two DVDs from Heidi last week:) So far I've made it halfway through Cheaper By The Dozen. This version of the movie is much more true to the book than the new movie with that name, but the book, in both cases, is still my favorite.

My bike arrived a few days ago and I had help assembling it yesterday. I've only ridden it once so far because we're supposed to be getting rain tonight and tomorrow.

The deployment hasn't cured my book addiction. I purchased four more books on Amazon.com today and should get them in a week or two. Finding a bookcase, or some way to make a makeshift bookcase, is becoming a neccessity. Although I've started a new book collection I haven't been reading nearly as much as usual because each night I choose between watching 24 and reading, and so far 24 has won out more often then not.

Not much else is new here. Every day is groundhogs day. I have trouble distinguishing past days from one another.

It looks like I may have my 2 weeks home in March, but I'm not sure. It'd be nice to be home for my Dad's birthday if that is the month I'm going home. However, I'd most likely miss the Founders Day celebration that I've heard some people are putting together.

Jordan should be here soon. Yay:) I may not be able to see her very often because we're in different battalions and work different shifts, but it'll still be nice to know that at least one of my good friends from school/obc is here. Perhaps it'll work out that we can go to Church together. It's too bad though that she wasn't able to get in the same brigade as her husband.

Opposite of Previous Post

Holy Fire, burn away my desire for anything that is that is not of You and is of me...

Over the past few days it's come to my attention in a few ways that I have certain areas of my future all planned out. They are good plans in which I am trying to love and serve God, but they are plans of my own making and not Gods. I've gotten so stuck on trying to fit my life and future into my plans that I may be closing my eyes to what God has for me. When I realized I was doing this I had to sit down and give everything back over to Him. I asked him to destroy my plans if they are not from Him. Destroy sounds a bit extreme, but Id rather have what God has for me than what I think I want for myself. Its hard to do though. I find myself falling back into thinking about how I want things to turn out instead of turning it over to God. Yes, its okay to have dreams, hopes, wishes, and plans, but not to the point where I am blinded to where God is leading me.

Strong Reaction

This aftenoon I walked to lunch with one of the NCOs that I work with. Along the way he mentioned that a docotor told him that he has a tumor or cyst in his neck and it is the cause of some physical aliments he's experianced. As he went on about it I suddenly wanted to run away from the conversation. He didn't mention cancer or hygdkins disease, but him combining the words tumor and neck was enough to bring back thoughts of my mom, sisters, and cousin and their dealings with tumors in their neck.

I don't understand my reaction. My mom and sisters all beat cancer, and and far as I know my cousin is doing well, so why does even the mention of a possible tumor in the neck, in a totally unrelated thing, bring about such a strong reaction in me? I think it's because I'm left to my imagination about a lot of things. I was far to young to remember my mom having cancer, and I was a plebe at West Point when Heidi had cancer, and then a Firstie when Betsy went through it, and now I'm off in the Army while Erick goes through it. All I saw was the physical change in appreance as well as significant decrease in energy level/appitite caused by the radiation/chemo. As much as I try and rememeber the good things that have come about, I can't get over the people I love the most having cancer and dealing having to deal with the effects of it. Plus, in the back of my mind I wonder if I'll be the next to find a lump in my neck. I'm not worried about it, but more sick of not knowing. Part of me is certain I'll never have it, but the other intel part of me is looking at the pattern analysis and the time frames of when everybody else was diagnosed. I don't hate many things in this world, but I hate cancer. Is that wrong?