Thinking

There are times that I wish I knew without a doubt that I was outwardly ugly, because then I would also know that if a guy were ever to be attracted to me it would be because the part of me he likes most is who I am as a person instead of how I look on the outside.

Crossing The Finish Line

Here I am crossing the finish line at the marathon. The time reflected is not my chip time but the time of the marathon. My chip time was a little over 10 min faster.

Yesterday I tried to go for a run, but experienced some lower back pain that I haven't had before and so I turned around after 2 blocks. It felt like cramps in my lower back because it was more of an ache than a sharp pain and would disappear when I walked. Perhaps I need to stretch my hamstrings more or something.

Rambelings

At times I feel so old and like I have far to much responsibility for a 23 year-old, and then at other times I feel incredibly young and immature for my 23 years of age.  It boggles my mind that I am leading more than 20 soldiers, some whom have over a decade more experience in the military than myself, and overall responsible and accountable for somewhere between 2-10 million of dollars worth of equipment.  Thankfully, my platoon sergeant is awesome and I lean on him heavily.  It's in the military setting, due to the magnitude of responsibility and constant demands, that I feel older than 23.  Outside the military, when interacting with my non-military peers in a social setting, especially when they are married, I feel incredibly young. 

 

I used to want kids, but I'm never around them and now they intimidate me.  I don't know how to interact with them.  I still love kids and wish I was better with them, but I have no clue what to do.  Truthfully, I see a kid and I distance myself from them now.  It may sound weird, but the reason I back off from them is that I don't want them to make it blatantly obvious that they don't like me and I'm not good with them. 

 

Someday I want to taste success for more than a single day.  I want to be in a place where I don't feel guilty if I go home at night even though I worked 12-14 hours that day;  A place in life where I'm not constantly hanging on by my fingertips trying to juggle all the glass balls and then having more thrown into the mix at any given momement;  Where I am making a difference and sharing Christ with people; A place where I can actually be and feel like a woman;  A place that I smile more than I frown;  A place where I know what I am doing and am comfertable instead of always flying by the seat of my pants; A place where there is hope;  A place where individual people matter more than numbers and statistics;  a place where people are taught to love one another.  Does such a place exist?

Late Night Thoughts

Bold Color Dry Erase….Thus claims the EXPO dry erase marker that is on the table in front of me. I wonder how well it would sell if perhaps instead of "bold," the color were pegged as "audacious" or perhaps "daring." I can easily understand why the manufactures choose to call the color bold over my two suggestions, but why must the color of the marker even be marked as bold in the first place? Are there colors that are not bold? Looking at the end result of the marker on paper, to me the color appears to be a normal orange hue. In fact, it reminds me of an orange creamsicle. Would I call a creamsicle bold? Probably not, though they are quite tasty.

Now you may be wondering what has provoked me to write about a phrase on a dry erase marker, especially at 1:00 AM, though I don't expect to post this entry for quite a while so I can not expect you to know that it is currently 1:00 AM. Whether or not you know the exact time that I am writing this entry is of little consequence, and my reason for writing is of no more importance either. The reason for my writing is that I am on Brigade Staff Duty and awaiting the time to do my after-midnight checks of the BDE footprint. Being that it is after midnight at the moment, I could knock out the checks right now, but that would leave me with a good chunk of time afterwards when I doubt I'd have the mental capacity to contemplate such highly stimulating things as bold color dry erase markers. Of note, these particular markers are certified AP Nontoxic. I feel much safer knowing that a certain Ian M. could chew on as many of these markers for as long as he like without any damage due to toxins. I say his name because I recall a certain day long ago when my Mom was picking him up at his house for one thing or another and he came out to the car with his teeth a rather striking shade of purple, or some other equally bold color. He had discovered the markers that smell like fruit and decided to taste them. Though I am sure I outwardly acted as if he was an idiot for doing so, inwardly I wished that I could do the same because they did smell rather enticing. I have done my fair share of voluntarily tasting different substances in my youth, such as hand soap. I do not recommend anyone else try it. I am told that I once tasted bird droppings, though I do not recall doing so and do not wish to repeat that taste testing.

Having covered bold markers and taste testing quite thoroughly, it is now time to move on to another topic. In recent weeks my life has consisted of 13+ hour work days, 5 days a week, with weekends taken up moving or with more work related things. There have been some major changes, such as my old roommate getting out of the army and moving away, resulting in my moving into a new place with two new roommates, though one has yet to arrive. I do not handle change well, and with the constant demands at work, a lack of exercise/running, and dealing with moving into a new place, my outlook spiraled downward. My trip to San Diego and running the marathon proved to boost my mood for a couple days, but already the downward spiral has returned.

Running a marathon is something I never imagined I could accomplish until less than 5 months ago. Had my friend Lindsay not been the one to suggest it in the first place as a way for us to briefly hang out again after almost a year, I probably never would have run one. Now that I have run one and come to the conclusion that almost anyone can finish a marathon if they have enough determination, I think I want to run another one. Though my goal was just to finish and I told myself I wouldn't care about the time, I know that I can do better than my 5:02:10 if can manage to be more consistent in my training and also run a smarter race. Although my training this last time was sub-standard, it must have worked a little because my muscle and joint soreness was nowhere near the level I expected after the marathon, and today I was not sore at all. Were I not on BDE Staff Duty tonight I would have tried to go for a 2 mile jog this evening. Yes, it would have been very light and easy. Two nights ago I looked up post-marathon recovery information and today was the first day they listed as it being okay for me to do a light jog. Since I couldn't go for the run, I went for an 800m swim at lunch instead. I do not know if I will be able to run another marathon before I deploy due to 4 weeks of NTC in AUG/SEP messing up training time for another one. I will never be a fast runner, but I can always compete against myself.