Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which means that today is Fat Tuesday. I didn't even realize that until this morning when I was sitting at my desk pretending to read the newspaper but actually hiding behind it and sleeping.

AAAAAH! I just found out that I still have Air Assualt this summer. I guess that means I really have to start working out. Why didn't Ari tell me that I still had it? He said he gave it away. Crap.

Monday, June 09, 2003

Back to Buckner I go, but this time as a squad leader. I'll be back July 12 or 13, depending on when my flight gets back.

I'm kinda nervous about seeing Josh again and I have no clue why. He called today finally, but only to find out when the last day of Buckner was for us. Ah well. That's life. This week has given me a lot to think about, and a lot of time to do it. I was talking to Misha last night about some stuff and he said that I was growing up. Smart guy.

I kinda take back what I said about not giving people second chances. I do, but experiance has taught me that it most likely will never be the same and so I no longer expect the relationship to be the same. Matt and I talked a little at Church today. He was suprised to find out that I was leaving Monday because he thought that I was in town for a few weeks. After we talked he asked if we were bud's again. I couldn't really answer that question. We never stopped being friends, but we definetly drifted apart. I do miss him, but some things changed in that time that we didn't talk a lot. Perhaps I will write to him again this summer. Right now it's either Stephanie, him, or my new journal. Maybe a mixture of all three. I just need one person/journal that I can write to/in about everything.

Anyway, I should get to bed. APFT on Tuesday morning. Pray for me.
There's a tornado warning, but it's for livingston county and not my county. A big thunderstorm would be nice. I like those.

Saturday, June 07, 2003

One more thing I was thinking about this evening. Hopefully this will be quick so that I can get to bed. Josh has told me before that he doesn't give people second chances. When he told me that I didn't think it was a very good idea and thought that people have a right to a second chance, but then tonight I was thinking about it some more and realized that in a way I do that too. I can think of two times that it has happend that really stick out. One was the summer going into Senior year when I was in Trinidad and the other was just this past Christmas. Both time invovleved guys that I considered to be practically a brother. I guess the best way to describe it is that when I needed them the most they weren't there. After that things were never the same.

Someone just called. It's 2:43am. Who calls at 2:43am? I have no idea who it was because my parents answered the phone. Probably a wrong number.
This evening Becki and I went out for coffee and walked around downtown. When we were going back to the car we reached the top of the stairs of the parking structure and Becki opened the door and Andrew S. walked through it. I was so suprised to see him that as I went through the door I ran into Becki and almost tripped her when I stepped on her flip-flop. He looked exactly the same as he had in high school. After the door shut I stammered to Becki "that...that was Andrew." For the life of me I couldn't remember his last name and that annoyed me so much that I coulndn't stop thinking and trying to figure it out until I was on my way home from Becki's house and it suddenly popped in my head. I'm not sure if he recognized me, but I'm guessing he did. We passed by each other without saying hi or anything and I tried not to show any suprise on my face, but I've learned that what I'm feeling shows through no matter how hard I try to keep a poker face. Hard to believe that it was 5 years ago already. He is on the list of my top crushes that I've had in my life. I started liking him at the end of freshman year of high school. Sophmore year we became good friends and he liked me for awhile and asked me out, but I said no. I had the bad luck of liking guys when they didn't like me and not liking them when they did like me. I later started liking him again, but he was intersted in someone else by then. We remained good friends until late fall of junior year when for some reason we just drifted apart and never really talked after that.

Thinking about Andrew made me think of the list of the biggest crushes I've had. Of course there were lots of small ones, but these are the major. Mike, Mark, Frank, Andrew, Ryan, Matt. I don't know why I stopped the list there and why Jake and Eric aren't on it. I dated Jake and I really liked Eric, but they just dont' seem to fit in the list. I guess it's because they were turning points and with them my thinking had slowly started to change. As I said before, I organize things in lines in my head and that is why I have this list. It's a timeline.

Wednesday, June 04, 2003

When I was in elementry school I usually got a new pair of sneakers at the beginning of the school year that would last me until the next one. I loved getting new shoes and wanted to wear them as soon as I got them, but my mom wouldn't let me wear them until the first day of school. That made the first day of school all the more special and I looked forward to it because in the morning I got to put on my new shoes and wear them around for the first time. Then one year I got a new pair, and perhaps it was because she was so tired of listening to my pleas to wear my new shoes, but my mom let me start wearing them a few days before school started. Of course it still felt great to wear them, but the first day of school was different. I woke up the moringing hoping that somehow during the night the shoes had magically turned new again and that I hadn't worn them at all. I wanted that feeling of excitment and anticipation back about being able to wear them for the first time, but my hopes were in vain. I had already worn my shoes and nothing could change that. They still looked new and clean, and I think I even had them packaged up in the box, but it wasn't the same. I was somewhat dissapointed that day and felt that I had cheated myself out of something better by giving in early.

I think that little experiance ended up having a profound impact on my way of thinking. Waiting can be hard, but don't give in and cheat yourself out of something better or end up being dissapointed later on. The best things aren't those that come from instant gratification.

Tuesday, June 03, 2003

Not much is new in my life. Right now I'm over at Becki's house using her computer to post this. It's great to see her again. I'm glad that she's is back from Ireland and that I get to hang out with her. The keyboard is different and so I'm having a bit of trouble typing. The backspace key is in a different position and so I keep hitting the backslash key instead of the backspace key. Oh well. It's better than nothing. I think i'm getting the hang of it now. This afternoon we went shopping and I got two new shirts from Old Navy. Usually I can't find anything that I like there.

I haven't talked to Josh since Friday. I wonder if we'll talk at all this week.