Where do I start with this entry? Do I even want to start? That's another good question. I'm tired and my roommate's dog, Calvin, is barking again. I thought I liked dogs, and then I met Calvin. Granted, I do like Calvin, but he's an excellent reminder for me of why I am glad I do not have a dog, let alone a child. I don't have the will or energy to give him the attention he needs and wants. For instance, I came home from work today and the only thing I wanted to do was go for a bike ride. It was all I could think about this afternoon. Had I not run a half-marathon yesterday I most likely would've wanted to go for a run instead, but the bike ride was a good substitute.
When I entered the house around 6:30 pm it was clear that Karen, my roommate who owns Calvin, had not come home from school yet and that Calvin was very lonely. My other roommate, Maggie, had just arrived home and so we were both trying to unload our things while Calvin was jumping all over us and getting in the way of everything. I played with him for a few minutes, but I was still determined to go for the bike ride. He got all excited when he saw that I was putting on exercise clothes and then looked a bit sad when I closed the front door without taking him with me outside. The bike ride was nice and relaxing, but when I got home Calvin was even more hyper and Karen still wasn't home. Maggie had gone out for a run and so Calvin had been all alone again. I felt bad and also didn't want to deal with an extremely hyper dog all evening, so I took him for a short walk. After that he did calm down a bit, although he still had enough energy to try and get to the food on the counters, jump on my bed, and find doors I forgot to close and examine any trash in the trashcan in that room. I think the phrase I say to him the most is, "No! Calvin."
How do other people handle the constant demands on time and energy? Work leaves me exhausted even though I don't think I've done or accomplished much at all, and I can't imagine coming home and having more people vying for attention.
My need to unwind, and inability to do so right now, surfaced again unexpectedly when I was home for Heidi's wedding. I thought my random and unexplainable breaking down crying was finished after R&R and right after I came home from Iraq, but it occurred within an hour of me arriving home for the wedding. I was standing in the living room when all of a sudden I started crying, and by crying I mean bawling, without any cause or reason behind it. As usual, it frightened me a bit which made it even worse. When it occurred I didn't want anyone to see me in that state, but when I thought I was finally regaining control someone would find me and start talking to me about something completely unrelated, which proceeded to set the waterworks off again (usually after they left). The whole scenario repeated itself a few more times over the course of the weekend and I did my best to duck out of sight when it occurred. Hopefully the road trip home will allow me sufficient time to unwind before I arrive in Michigan and Thanksgiving will be better.
I recently realized that I rarely smile at work. The most I've smiled recently was when the Family Readiness Group hosted a party for the children of the Soldiers in my company and I was in the room watching all the kids play and make photo frames with their parents. I had a grin plastered on my face the whole time, and a real grin, not a fake one at that. Once the party was over and we had to get back to work my smile walked out the door with the kids.
