This weekend my boat got 4th place in the finals at New York States. Over all Army got 3rd place. I really wanted to get at least 3rd place in the race. We almost had it at the end. 15 more strokes would have done it, but it wasn't there. I didn't understand why I was so upset about it untill Beth was talking to me about it. I tried my best, but my best wasn't good enough. At West Point we're told a million times that we're the best of the best. It's hammered into our heads day after day. I never thought that I bought into it, but when Beth said that my best wasn't good enough, that got to me. Maybe I do except to be the best of the best all the time. I know that I'm not, but perhaps my mind believes that I'm supposed to be the best.

What adds to my unhappiness is my belief that my parents expect me to be the best, and then when I'm it's not good enough for them. I called home last weekend to tell them that we got first place and they were really excited about it, as was I. Then my dad asked me what Ivy League schools we had raced and there were'nt any there. In my mind that cheapend my victory. The truth is that we probably would not have beaten them if they were there. They recruit the best rowers in the nation, and on my team only 3 of us, myself included, have rowed before this year. I called home today to tell them about this race and when I said that we got 4th they were just like "oh, that's nice." Even yesterday when I called home to say that we got 2nd in our heat i felt like that wasn't good enough for them. They don't know how much we've improved and how impressive it is for a school that doens't recruit and faces the daily scheduale that we do to do that well. Last fall I didn't have the heart to tell them that I wasn't the stroke of the boat by the end of the season. I felt like that was their pride and joy of my doing crew beacause I was the leader of the boat. Luckily, I'm back in that spot this spring. They've been asking me when I call home to tell them how we did if I was the stroke. What happens if I say that I'm not? Does that cheapen how well I did in their eyes?

I think I'm just tired right now and need to rest. Once I do that life will be better. It usually works that way. I overreact when I'm tired. Need to work on that.