Sometimes I have so much stuff going through my head and I want to write it all down and tell it to someone, but then when I get the chance to I don't remember any of it. Funny how that works out. This summer I'm not going to have access to a computer for at least six weeks so I'm probably going to start writing letters again. Last summer I realized how much I like to write. I'm not a writer -- in fact I suck at writing -- but I like to get my thoughts out. I also like the idea that someone might read them. That's not what's importnant to me, but I've found it helps me write.

One of the things that I want is to feel special in someones eyes. That is also one of the hardest things for me to do for a person. The main thing that I want out of a relationship is to feel special, yet a relationship is not about reciving, it's about giving. I have a hard time letting myself try to make someone feel like they are special. I don't like that about myself. It's kinda hard to explain, but I'm going to try anyways. For example, if I bake someone bread and give it to them I'll deny that I did it just for them and say that I made bread for a number of my friends -- which I probably would do so that I could say that, but the main reason I made the bread was to give it to that one person. Okay, that's not a great example, but just hang in there. I've never had a single best friend, but I've had many really close friends. I'm afriad I'll get annoying and so after a while I back off from a friend and give them some space. I only call a friend once a week to talk. That's changed a tiny bit the past two years, but not a lot. Here's anothe example of what I'm trying to get at. Teresa and I went around last night to Bill, Matt, and Becki's respective houses and did different things to their houses for fun. I can only do that stuff to people that I'm comfertable with and how I'm good friends with, for the most part. Because that's the case I'm more apt to avoid them afterwords if they find out it was me because to me it's like I'm saying "Hey, I like being your friend and this is one way of me trying to make you feel special" in a sense. That puts me in a position of feeling vulnerable and I hate feeling vulnerable. In order to try and protect myself I therefore back off.

It was not until just now that I came to realize how much I hate feeling vulnerable. Side note: I'm analyzing stuff way too much right now because it's late and I'm tried, but this is fun and so I'm going to keep doing it. Oh, and if I'm spelling vulnerable wrong or anything, I don't care. Speaking in groups of people makes me feel vulnerable, so I avoid it. I don't ask questions in class very often because that too makes me feel that way. When I started this blog I felt that way because I'm sharing a part of myself and there's the possiblity that someone might actually read it. I almost stopped writing in here because of it, but finally I told myself that I was doing this for myself and it doesn't matter if other people read it because I'm not going to care what they think. I'm not going to let it bother me. This sounds stupid, but in middle school and the beginnign of high school I hated hugs because I was afraid that someone would think that I hugged to hard, or too long, or not long enough, or some crap like that. Once again, hugs made me feel vulnerable. It took me a while to get over that. There are many other things that have made me and still do make me feel vulnerable and so I try my best to protect myself. Some of the things I need to overcome and I hope that I do eventually.