Who am I around people? Around those who I am not very good friends with, I feel like I show one side of myself, and then to my close friends I show another side. There is the side of me that tries hard not to complain, especially around others, because I believe that ends up making the attitudes worse, and thus the situation worse. But, then there is the side of me that spills my troubles to my close friends, and recently that pile of troubles has seemed enormous. I guess I seem to come up with a new one every day, or perhaps twice a day. Unfortuantly, most of my sharing of my troubles has landed on one person, and I've driven them somewhat away, when what I've really wanted to do was to become closer to them. It really hurt when I realized that I was getting the same treatment from them that I was giving, undeservingly, to another one of my close friends. It hurt realizing they were doing it to me, and it also really hurt realizing it was exactly what I was doing to someone else. I'd been distant and non-talkative to one person, and one person had been that way towards me.

This whole mess leaves me wondering where to draw a line in my life in when, where, how, and how much to share my troubles, and when to keep them to myself. I don't like talking about them, in person that is, to people I don't know very well, but I need to stop sharing them as much with some people. I'm tempted to try and act like nothing ever bothers me, that I am always happy, a paste a permenant smile on my face, around everyone, be they close friends or not, but that is not the real me.

A summer away I think will do me a lot of good, but I'm having a hard time with the fact that it is a whole summer away. When I really want something I tend to go after it with everything I've got until I reach that goal. I can't accept quiting or giving up. A very small example was one time I had a certain dvd I wanted to see so I decided to go and rent it. The store had them all rented out, so I drove to another one nearby. They didn't have it either, so I drove to a store to see if I could buy it. That store din't have it, so I then proceeded to drive across to the other side of the city to stores over there to see if they had it and I could buy it. I don't think they had the movie either, but by that time I'd spent a few hours searching for it and was out of stores to go to. While I was searching for it I felt this need to continue one till I found it. I couldn't sit still or stop until then. What is bad is that I often try that approach with friendships/relationships, and push to try and become closer friends. However, that is probably the worst approach, and ends up driving the friendship apart. I keep repeating that mistake.

I used to post everything here, and use this to spill my troubles, but now I limit myself to only certain ones and types. I want a way to share them with someone so that I don't keep them all bottled up, but not overwhelm anyone and not fall into a trap of troubles builiding upon troubles. I also alot of times just want and ear to listen to me and arms to give me a hug when needed. I also don't want it to just be me always talking about myself. Here all I do is talk about myself because that is what I have this blog for, me. It annoys me when, in person, all someone talks about is themself, and I hate it when I find myself doing that.