Right now I'm a little mad, or perhaps pissed is a better word. This really does not happen all that often and when it does happen I feel bad for feeling this way. I also wonder whether I have the right to feel this way or if my hopes were not justified and I shouldn't have counted on whatever it was. I really try and give people the benefit of the doubt. I am so tempted to write about it, but I don't want to say anything bad about anybody and I'm afraid that might happen or it may come across that way. I'll just say that I was hoping to do something with a friend tonight, but he decided to go do something else.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being strung around and only a friend of convenience. I stopped talking about guys on here a while ago, but this time I'm going to make an exception and write whatever comes to my head. I know that the whole world can read this if they want to, which has made me more cautious since the incident last fall, but right now I just want to get this out of me.

I like this guy, he likes me, but we are only friends. At least that is what people are told when they ask about is going on between us. Why do I like him? Because I can talk to him, I'm comfortable around him, he can be a great guy sometimes, and sometimes he seems to care about me. He's someone I can call in the middle of the night if I need to talk. He opens me up more and challenges me; gets me to try new things and be a little more outgoing. The thing is, we are just friends. Actually, I don't think that description really works. A lot of people mistake us for being boyfriend/girlfriend, but we are not. Why? Because he does not want to be. That is the plain and simple answer, and when I read it and hear it in my mind it makes me feel like crap because I wonder if I'm selling myself short. His reasoning is that he's always had a girlfriend since the time he was 14 and this is the first time that he hasn't. I understand that, see the logic, and actually think it is a good thing for a person to experience life being single, but it leaves me with a kind of raw deal. Where is the line between being friends and being something more than friends? What are reasonable expectations? I'm left wondering if I want too much. Example, this is the last Saturday I'll be here due to crew and I was hoping to hang out with him and some friends. I also had a race this morning. I invited him to watch the race with some friends, but he had plans to go watch the Mets game in the city. Last night he told me that he'd be back around 7 or 8 and that maybe we could do something then. After he gets back I talk to his roommate, also a friend, and it seems like we all might go do something like go see a movie. I talk to my friend a little while later and he tells me that he's leaving in 10 min to go do something because he can't stand being here on a Saturday night. Neither can I. I am going crazy right now because there is nothing to do and everyone is gone. Since he never said that we would definitely do something, I do not have the right to be mad about that. He can do whatever he wants. I just was hoping to do something with him and was hoping that he wanted to do something with me. Half the time it seems like he really cares about me, likes me, and that there is something there. The other part of the time I feel like I'm nothing more than just another friend, someone who doesn't really matter to him, perhaps just another girl chasing after him, who likes him a lot more than he likes her.

The only solution to all of this that I can see right now is for me to back off and officially say that we are just friends, nothing more than that until he is ready for a relationship, if that ever happens. The problem is that I don't want to do that. I like feeling like I'm someone special to someone. I also don't exactly know what being just friends means. I care a lot about him, and I want him to also care about me, but that is his decision. I don't want to be the one putting all the work into something and be left high and dry because he's just been playing around. I don't want to like him more than he likes me. He's good at putting himself first, which is something that I've been bad at my whole life, but this time I think I'm going to try and do what I think is best for myself. I feel like I'm being selfish by doing it. I need advice.

One side note. Annah was very nice and did invite me out to the mall with her parents earlier in the evening, but I was about to go play frisbee with Anne and didn't want to ditch her. She'd been working on a paper all day and needed to get outside.