Roommate, Bike, and Deep Thoughts

Andrea made it safely back from MN this afternoon. I am glad she is back, although the adjustment from living alone to living with someone is surprising to me, especially since I'd only had my own room for about 18 months and it was only a room, not an apartment. Now I still have my own room, but share an apartment and, at least at first, it felt like a big adjustment. I suppose it is good for me to not get too used to living alone because I would most likely become a complete hermit and have a million cats even though I am a dog person.

This afternoon I took my bike out for a test ride. The bike is awesome, but the seat unexpectedly lowered on me about 45 minutes into my ride when I was about a third of the way up a hill. Thankfully I was already headed back in the direction of the apartment and so I cut my bike ride a little shorter than I had originally hoped so I could get back to the apartment and tighten the seat. I must say, people drive very fast. I rode along one of my main run routes, but the cars seemed to be speeding by even faster (and closer) when I was riding along on the road with them instead of running as far as possible off to the shoulder or on the sidewalk. It was also quite windy and at times I felt like I was about to be blown over, which scared me even more. Once I turned off the busy road and onto a more rural street I became much more comfortable and was able to enjoy my surroundings. Due to the seat malfunction I only rode a little over 11 miles, but I hope to be increasing my mileage in the near future.

Whilst cleaning my room this evening I experienced some moments of nostalgia about the past few years. Part of it was due to my taking a break from the cleaning and going back to my first few months of posts on this blog and re-reading about what my life was like and who I had a crush on at that time. Then, when I was emptying out the backpack two pictures that were hidden in an inside pocket fell out. One was of Nick in a helicopter and the other was of Nick and I in Kuwait. I thought I had packed the pictures away in the box with my violin, Joe Bear, and the Bible that Rob gave me for my birthday.

Well, now I'm diving back into another episode of an analytical introspective look at myself. This time the topic is if I actually have the ability to be in love with someone. Whilst a couple friends believed that to be the case with me in regards to someone else, I don't think it was the case. Infatuated with them, yes, but in love, no. Actually, more I was mostly likely infatuated with the person who I wanted them to be and most likely not the person they actually are in real life. (Thank you Jordan for that revelation). In any case, in the two months since the whole thing came to a head I’ve often wondered if I actually have the ability to be in love with someone and in doing so open up and make myself vulnerable to them. I have lived my whole life making sure that I do not fully show anyone how much they mean to me because of the fear that I do not mean as much to them. I believe this to be true in all of my relationships with both friends and family. When I think about it the whole thing seems quite selfish and self-centered of me, yet I don’t know how to be any different. The by-product of all of this is that for the past two months I’ve been trying to convince myself that I want to move to Siberia and become a single, nomadic, hermit, sheep-herder. (I stole the Siberia and sheep-herder bit from Anne).