This aftenoon I walked to lunch with one of the NCOs that I work with. Along the way he mentioned that a docotor told him that he has a tumor or cyst in his neck and it is the cause of some physical aliments he's experianced. As he went on about it I suddenly wanted to run away from the conversation. He didn't mention cancer or hygdkins disease, but him combining the words tumor and neck was enough to bring back thoughts of my mom, sisters, and cousin and their dealings with tumors in their neck.
I don't understand my reaction. My mom and sisters all beat cancer, and and far as I know my cousin is doing well, so why does even the mention of a possible tumor in the neck, in a totally unrelated thing, bring about such a strong reaction in me? I think it's because I'm left to my imagination about a lot of things. I was far to young to remember my mom having cancer, and I was a plebe at West Point when Heidi had cancer, and then a Firstie when Betsy went through it, and now I'm off in the Army while Erick goes through it. All I saw was the physical change in appreance as well as significant decrease in energy level/appitite caused by the radiation/chemo. As much as I try and rememeber the good things that have come about, I can't get over the people I love the most having cancer and dealing having to deal with the effects of it. Plus, in the back of my mind I wonder if I'll be the next to find a lump in my neck. I'm not worried about it, but more sick of not knowing. Part of me is certain I'll never have it, but the other intel part of me is looking at the pattern analysis and the time frames of when everybody else was diagnosed. I don't hate many things in this world, but I hate cancer. Is that wrong?
Welcome to my world, again.
ReplyDeleteYou have been trained to compartmentize your thoughts in order to get 'the job done'. You had a very healthy reaction. Healthy in that you cannot deny your emotional attachment, grounded in love. To have no reaction would be a little strange really. Your compartment got 'triggered' and you reacted.
You are in a stressful enough place that the 'trigger' was very provocative when you really didn't need a provocation and consequent emotional drain. You love your mother, your sisters, your cousin and wonder what will happen to you. I can't tell you what will happen, but I do know that worry is a waste of creative energy and more importantly Jesus tells us not to worry.
This may strike you as a very strange suggestion, but I suggest you get together with your roomate, or someone that at least knows a little about you and have a good laugh about it. I seriously mean a good laugh. Think about it as being scared by the monsters in Monsters Inc. One just jumped out of your closet. Boo! You can tell them you had a monster jump out of the closet - granted they may think you are a bit strange, but you can tell them you take after your father in that respect.
Decide to laugh about it. You can decide to, and it will help.
Much love,
Dad