Personal entry...
As much as I want to get away from civilization, what I really want is someone to talk to. I've noticed that as my time away from school has progressed, I've started talking less and less. Part of my can't wait to get back to school, because there I'm not known because of the school I go to, or anything related to it. Of course, there I also don't have someone I can totally confide in. Does anybody have someone like that, or is it just some dream I have?

I feel like I have a bunch of different masks that I wear. Each of them is trying to hide something, and make me appear better than I actually am. I'm scared that someone I who I don't want to will strip off the mask and be very dissapointed in what they find, because it is the real me. When I'm home a lot of it stems from being known as the person who goes to USMA. People introduce me as "This is ___. She goes to West Point." I don't mind that in-an-of-itself, nor do I mind the dozens of questions that usually follow about the school. In fact, I enjoy answering the questions. What bothers me is that I feel like I am expected to be more spectacular than I actually am. I don't think they want to know the truth that I suck at running, I'm not great at push-ups, although West Point is hard at times, I think a lot of people have the idea that it is more challenging than it actually is. I don't think I've done anything spectacular in my time there, I haven't jumped out of an airplane yet, nor do I have my own personal stash of weapons that I can go off and shoot whenever I want. I haven't qualified with an M16 since Beast, I haven't thrown a grenade since Beast. Academically I'm somewhere in the middle, physically and militarly I'm ranked somewhere in the middle or lower. Hazing the plebes is not my specialty, in fact I rarely do it because I'm usually busy with crew. Sure there are things that are different than a regular college, but I didn't enter West Point and suddenly turn into super woman. I'm not that great.

When I tell people about the real experiance, especially the fact that I don't have my own stash of weapons and my athletic abilities, I feel like they are dissapointed and that they expected more from me. When I'm home I don't like entering in contests or competitions with people, because I feel like they expect me to perform better than perhaps I actually can, and be good at everything. Part of it stems from me developing into a person who hates to fail, or be showed up at anything. I've become an extremely competative, or perhaps it is egotistical, person, but it goes a bit overboard to the point where I'm afraid of failure.


This past semester I have been very depressed, more so than I ever have been before. Although I know it is not logical or rational, the phrase that repeats in my mind is "You are not good enough," that going for all areas of my life. I know perfectly well that there are religious issues or matters tied in with that, in fact I can hear my Dad delivering a sermon to me about it right now and know what points he most likely would bring up, but his little sermon in my head about it does not seem to be helping.

When I try and talk to someone about what is going on with me and what I am feeling, it usually ends up backfiring. I unload too much on them, and they end up distancing themselves from me because I am too depressing. Hence, I wear masks around most people. When I open up I push people away.

"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do..."
"All you wanted was somebody who cares..."