One night when I was around the age of six I remember going to my dad and asking him if it was considered murder for a soldier to kill someone in a war. I don't remember what he said, but his answers satisfied me and took away my concerns about dealing with that if I was a soldier.

When I was around 12 I was on a confermation retreat with my church youth group. Over the course of the weekend there was an ongoing game between the guys and the girls over water spray bottles. The girls would try and steal the guy's spray bottles and hide them, and the guys would do the same to us. One afternoon someone was in the process of stealing a spray bottle and was caugth. A big scuffle ensued in the hall, and the next week at Church I found out that in the middle of the scuffle I apparently had managed to hit a boy in the eye and had given him a black eye. When I found that out I was so distrought that I went upstairs and cried. I felt terrible for hurting him.

I am being trained in how to kill people, yet I can not even manage to kill and ant without feeling that I am being cruel. Over the years I have noticed that I can not bear seeing people hurt one another, or hurt any living thing for that matter. I don't know what a better word or term is for it, but that closest I can come up with at this time is that I do not like the offensive position*. What I mean by that is a position when action is taken for the sake of gaining the upperhand in cruel, harsh, or inhuman ways, or for senseless, power-craving, greedy reasons. To kill or hurt something just for the sake of killing or hurting it, to kill or hurt the defensless and weak, to hurt or tourture for the sake of gratifying a thirst for power or ego, to be inhuman in anyway; I despise it all and anyone who follows that route.

What I fight for, what I am willing to kill for as a soldier, what drives me, is the defensive position*. I have always wanted to be in the army because I want to defend my country and those I love against those people in the offensive position. I do not think twice about smashing a bug that is trying to bite me, or fighting off someone attacking me, as long as I do not exceed just force. I may have reservations about even killing an ant on a counter top, or a spider in a shower, but I have no problem with the idea of killing to protect and defend my country and my family, and myself from those who seek to hurt us. Hopefully that will never be required of me, but I never know, given my future occupation. What I can say is that I will not tolerate cruelty or inhuman acts in either myself or in others.

In my three years at west point, I don't believe I have ever once been taught anything different than I have said above about when and how to fight. I do not see the army, or our country, as being an offensive force, in terms of my definition. That is why I am proud that I am part of the army and have the opportunity to serve and protect my country.


* I made up my own definitions. The terms offensive and defensive are not being used like the definition of offensive and defensive for sports, or for military positions. I made up my own definitions.