Venting

This may sound very weird, but sometimes, such as right now, I wish I could call someone on the phone and stay on the phone with them but not have either of us talk. No chit-chat, no catching up on how friends/relatives/whoever are doing, no talking about what's on our mind, nothing. Even better would be to have someone here in person and for them to put their arm around me and neither of us talk, just sit there and do nothing. I don't know why this is so appealing but it's not the first time I've wished it were possible.

An event with one of my Soldier's two days ago threw me for a loop and ever since then I've been an emotional wreck. It's like a huge weight suddenly descended upon me. Now all I can think about is going on leave in a week and hoping that I can hold myself together until then. I failed horribly at that today and it was quite embarrassing. Usually I can control my emotions pretty well, especially when in uniform. However, yesterday and today I wasn't in uniform at work due to a course, Applied Suicide Intervention Training (ASIST), I was attending. There was a portion of the course today where we role-played a scenario in front of the group, and my scenario didn't go too well. I was never able to connect with the person who was suicidal and so it was quite awkward throughout the whole thing. Afterwards I felt I'd failed in my scenario and the instructor saw that and so he came over to talk to me when he put everyone on break. He was telling me that I didn't fail and even did okay and even though I was trying with all my might to hold them back the tears started coming and for the life of me I could not stop them. Even though he said it was okay to cry and even said that he was glad to see me cry because it showed I really did care I felt extremely stupid and unprofessional sitting there crying and wished I could stop.

This weekend is a four day weekend for Veterans Day with Monday and Tuesday off, but tomorrow I am the Staff Duty Officer for both my Brigade and Battalion, so I'll be awake and at work from 8 am Saturday to 9 am Sunday and then mostly likely sleep all day Sunday. The person who has duty on Tuesday called me today and offered me $150 to take his shift, but I said no because I'm hoping that I'll figure out some way to relax on Monday and Tuesday and be able to go back to work a bit more refreshed on Wednesday.

Calvin's been his usual self recently. Yesterday my roommate's friends were over at the house and one of them brought her dog. I was home alone with the dogs and when I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth as I got ready for bed and out of the corner of my eye I saw Calvin run past the door with something in his mouth. From his behavior I could tell he was trying to hide something, so I immediately went to find him. Since I didn't see him in the living room I went straight to looking under Karen's bed, since that's Calvin's favorite hiding spot when he has something he knows he has something he's not supposed to have. He was under there chewing on a toy stuffed monkey that belonged to the other dog. When I tried to grab it from him he would scoot out the other side of the bed. After a couple failed attempts I climbed on top of the bed and a few seconds later I saw his nose and the monkey poke out from under the bed. He let go of the monkey just long enough for me to snatch it from him. It was rather funny to see only his snout poking out from under the bed sniffing around trying to locate the monkey while the rest of him was still hidden. After he realized the monkey was no longer there he slowly crawled out from under the bed with a guilty look on his face. There have been a couple other instances since then with him, but this post is already long enough.