Rambelings

At times I feel so old and like I have far to much responsibility for a 23 year-old, and then at other times I feel incredibly young and immature for my 23 years of age.  It boggles my mind that I am leading more than 20 soldiers, some whom have over a decade more experience in the military than myself, and overall responsible and accountable for somewhere between 2-10 million of dollars worth of equipment.  Thankfully, my platoon sergeant is awesome and I lean on him heavily.  It's in the military setting, due to the magnitude of responsibility and constant demands, that I feel older than 23.  Outside the military, when interacting with my non-military peers in a social setting, especially when they are married, I feel incredibly young. 

 

I used to want kids, but I'm never around them and now they intimidate me.  I don't know how to interact with them.  I still love kids and wish I was better with them, but I have no clue what to do.  Truthfully, I see a kid and I distance myself from them now.  It may sound weird, but the reason I back off from them is that I don't want them to make it blatantly obvious that they don't like me and I'm not good with them. 

 

Someday I want to taste success for more than a single day.  I want to be in a place where I don't feel guilty if I go home at night even though I worked 12-14 hours that day;  A place in life where I'm not constantly hanging on by my fingertips trying to juggle all the glass balls and then having more thrown into the mix at any given momement;  Where I am making a difference and sharing Christ with people; A place where I can actually be and feel like a woman;  A place that I smile more than I frown;  A place where I know what I am doing and am comfertable instead of always flying by the seat of my pants; A place where there is hope;  A place where individual people matter more than numbers and statistics;  a place where people are taught to love one another.  Does such a place exist?