Productive Weekend

I think I accomplished more today then I have all month and therefore want to record it so that I can someday look back on today and wonder how I did it. Today was actually supposed to be a restful day of going to Mass and then possibly going down to Austin to drop off my bike for a tune-up. Mass happened, the trip to Austin didn't. Here's why:

Saturday morning I woke up to a thunderstorm rolling in. My plan had originally been to go for a bike ride working on keeping a higher cadence, and then coming back and doing my normal Saturday chores (vacuum, clean the bathroom, sweep, mop). I managed to get out of bed and then the pouring rain started, so I made blueberry pancakes and decided to go back to bed. I'm not sure what I did all day until the evening when I went over to my friend Andee's apartment to meet her puppy and go out to dinner with her. All I know is that most of the day I was very lazy and didn't do much of anything; definitely not any chores.

Sunday morning I woke up around 8am and since I had a couple hours still before Church I drove over to Shipley's Do-Nuts to get breakfast. While I was getting ready for Church I decided that since Christ The King (yes, there's a Christ the King Catholic Church in Belton, TX), has mass at 5pm I'd instead go visit my former church in Killeen for the morning service. I enjoyed seeing people I hadn't seen in over 1.5 years and was finally able to return to Mike a DVD set that I borrowed from him in the fall of 2007. After Church I went out to lunch at a Mexican restaurant with Amy and Willy.

Having eaten far too much food and feeling stuffed and sluggish I decided to go for the bike ride that I couldn't go on Saturday and leave the trip down to Austin for Monday or Tuesday after work. I rode 20 miles, got a little more sunburned on my arms even though I was wearing sunblock, got lost in Temple, TX a couple times and decided that if the Garmin Edge 705 has maps for Korea then I am definitely getting one, and was also able to keep my cadence higher than I have before...though I still have a lot of work left to do (thanks MAJ Yee for letting me ride with you the other day and teaching me a ton!).

Upon my return from the bike ride I showered and made it to the 5pm Mass. On the way back from Mass I noticed that I still had some energy left and was in a good mood so I decided to finally start baking the stuff I promised some friends last weekend but never got around to making. Originally I was only going to make a batch of oatmeal butterscotch chip cookies for Andee, but I still felt good after makeing those so i started on the batch of chocolate chip cookies for Mike G. and ended up also baking the batch of caramel brownies for Andy T. Whilst those were baking I was able to do my chores and more, to include: cleaning the bathroom and shower; sweeping and mopping (swiffer mop that is) the all the hard floors and vacuuming all of the carpet; washing, folding, and putting away two loads of laundry; spot cleaning the walls (a pinch of baking soda on a damp cloth works just as well, if not better, and is less expensive then the Mr Clean Magic Eraser); and emptying and taking out the trash.

Now I'm off to bed to read for a bit and then sleep until my alarm goes off at 5am to wake me up for PT. The price to pay for my awesome place is that I have to be out the door by 0530 to make it to 0630 PT on time. It's a price I gladly pay...as long as you don't ask me at 0500 when I'm hitting the snooze button on my alarm and counting the days till I can sleep in again.

Facing the Past

I never thought I’d be one of those people. Those people were the ones who saw action, watched people die, saw real combat. The closest thing I ever got to the action was listening to some indirect fire impact on my FOB the first day I arrived. At first I didn’t even know if it was a controlled detonation or the real thing, so we didn’t take cover until the 2nd or 3rd one landed and the sirens went off. Even then we stood in the doorway of the T-building listening to them impact and watching other people run down the street toward us and away from the DFAC. One person died. One or two wounded. All I heard were the booms. There were a few more attacks during the year, but nothing major. No more people were killed or injured by them. Why then did I find myself sitting in the office of a social worker listening to her tell me that it was going to be okay, that they were going to get me the help I needed and that I could heal. Why was it a relief to hear her say that I could heal? Heal from what? I haven’t seen anything; I haven’t done anything. Why do I need to heal? But she saw the tears that were burning my eyes threatening to spill over; those tears that weren’t for anything at that moment, but yet were never there when I needed them. Those tears that weren’t there when I let down my guard and allowed myself to think about the past and the family and friends I loved who I was so far from, about the past, and about everything that had happened.

Don’t reflect on the past. That was a skill I taught myself at West Point. When I was younger, after a vacation or some exciting event, I would marvel at the passage of time and allow myself to count back the number of days prior that it occurred and think about how different my current situation was compared to what had happened. I enjoyed reflecting on the time I’d had and the memories made. After I arrived at West Point I found that if I allowed myself to count back to the last time I saw my parents, or the last time I was home, the homesickness would overwhelm me. I quickly learned to stop thinking about the past, to stop counting the days backwards, and to stop comparing my past and current situations. If the past was better than the present then it was painful. If the past was worse than the present, then it was painful. Therefore, don’t think too much about the past. Short dosages of memories were okay, dependent on the memories and situations, but nothing more. I trained myself well…too well.

I also learned how to control my emotions to a greater extent, though not so much as control them as bottle everything up. The hardest night of my life, the night that stretched into day and wouldn’t end, I knew I couldn’t hold those emotions in much longer. That night amidst everything else I was fighting for control of my emotions. My reward became telling myself that when it was all over I could go back to my room and cry. I hadn’t cried for a while and it was a relief to know that this time tears would come. After it was finally over and I was safely back in my room I allowed the tears to flow freely and they didn’t stop for hours. When I thought I was done with the crying I would remember the look on the woman’s face as she pleaded for me to tell her what was going on and the tears would come back, along with the doubt about if I had recommended the correct course of action in having her detained. Alone in my room I relived every moment of that night, but in doing so it also took away a lot of the sting. I’d already cried over every moment and the weight of it was lessened. I worried that it would come back when I went to testify before the judge, but it didn’t. Perhaps it was the prayers of my family and friends, though they didn’t know exactly what they were praying about, or the fact that I’d already grieved about that night, or both. It taught me a new lesson: Perhaps it’s time to start facing the past again.

18 Days of Leave

I wonder if anyone reads this blog anymore...I certainly don't. Right now I'm home on leave for Iraq for 18 days. My leave ends on the 23rd; just in time to miss Christmas. At least I get to enjoy the pre-Christmas festivities and see family and friends.

Things I've done at home so far:
Sleep
Eat a ton of junk food
Enjoy time with my parents and Heidi
Hang out with Hannah and friends
Spend time with Misha
Go to a prayer meeting (AWESOME!)
Go to Mass at CTK
Go skiing
Go to the spa
watch a little TV
read
Drive for the sake of driving
Go to the gym
Not think about work

Things yet to do:
Visit Betsy, Mark and Iain in MN
Sleep
Eat a ton of junk food
Spend more time with parents, Heidi, and Kevin
Hang out with Ruth
See more friends
Celebrate a family Christmas
Go to another prayer meeting
Go to the gym again
send some care packages back to Iraq
Do my Christmas shopping (I probably should get that done before the family Christmas)
Shop for my niece and nephew just because I'm their aunt and can spoil them if I want to
Still not think about work

So far this leave has been quite relaxing and enjoyable. The time home with family and friends, and also the ability to get away and be by myself for a bit has been extremely nice. Plus, God once again heard and answered a prayer of mine this past Sunday.

Mid-August

Though the week as a whole went by fairly quickly, the days seemed to drag by and this month also feels like it is passing very slowly.  Part of the problem is that I keep thinking about leave...3.5 months from now.  In the grand scheme of things that is not a very long time, but when I think about the fact that its only mid-August and I won't be able to do all the stuff I'm dreaming about (mainly sleep), and see all the friends and family I miss so much until December, it wears on me.  On the brighter side of things, I've convinced myself that the hottest part of the year has officially past and it will only get cooler from here on out. Since August is the hottest month of the year, and 15 August is the middle of the month, we have therefore past the hottest day of the hottest month.  I don't care how skewed and wrong my thought process is about this because I am happy in my little world thinking that it will only get cooler outside.  Plus, I'm convinced that as it gets cooler out the time will also start to pass quicker.  My logic is full of holes, but at least I'm happier thinking this way.

 

I wonder which handgun he decided upon, the 1911 or the Springfield XD?

Congratulations Charlie!!!!

I'm extremely proud of my cousin Charlie because he graduates from Marine Corps boot camp today.  I've been telling all of my friends here in Iraq about him.  Way to go Charlie!!!

The Tree

A couple days ago after dinner two of my coworkers, Katy and Joe, and I decided to make a quick trip to to the PX. The sun was setting by that time and as we were walking the short distance from the DFAC to the PX and as we crossed the road I happened to look towards the south perimeter of the FOB. Off in the distance I noticed what looked to be the outline of a tree that was significantly taller than the walls surrounding the FOB. The FOB isn't very large (a mile in length at it's longest point, and significantly less in most areas) and so I don't know why I hadn't noticed this tree before, but it could be due to the fact that usually it's so bright out during the day that I end up looking down at the ground instead of up at my surroundings.  In any case, I pointed the tree out to Katy and Joe and we all stopped for a minute trying to figure out if it was actually a tree or just smoke from some smoke stacks.  Eventually we concluded it was in fact a tree, and actually a normal looking tree at that.  There are a few trees on the FOB, but as Katy pointed out, they look like Dr Seuss trees.  Other than that, vegetation on the FOB is quite scarce and the sight of a relatively normal looking tree off in the distance was rather refreshing.  I looked for the tree again today in order to confirm that it is actually a tree and not smoke and it was still standing there. 

The Gym

New mile record for me: 6:47 (once again though, 0% incline on a treadmill).

 

I've been a bit more homesick than usual recently.  This week has been a rather slow week work-wise and so I was able to average 13 hr work days and then get to the gym around 11pm. 

 

I'm half attempting to do this program at the gym called Body For Life.  It's an exercise regime and somewhat "diet" that you're supposed to stick to.  I regularly cheat on the diet and often do my own workouts (mainly cardio with a little weight lifting a couple times a week), but still managed to lose 3 pounds and 2-3% body fat (supposedly down to about 18%).  When it comes down to it, I'm not sticking to the program at all, but at least I'm still seeing results. 

 

I tend to talk about working-out on here because I don't feel comfortable talking about work due to OPSEC and other issues, and the gym is one of the few things that leaves me with of a sense of accomplishment and where I can see positive results. 

Promotion Pictures

Introvert

This deployment has given me a chance to see the extent to which I am an introvert. Many people have a mistaken notion of what it means to be an introvert and often put a negative connotation with the word introvert. They associate with someone who is anti-social; however, the merriam-webster definition of introvert is, “to turn inward or in upon itself as a: to concentrate or direct upon oneself.” Whereas a person who is extroverted is rejuvenated through interaction with other people, an introvert is drained by being around many people and re-energized by more solitary activities. That is not to say that an extrovert cannot enjoy time alone and an introvert does not enjoy interaction with others, but there is a inherit need for each person to re-energize in some form or fashion.

I bring all of this up because I have realized me need for time away from others this deployment. Whereas I originally didn’t want to take a couple extra hours off from work each week, after moving to my new office location where I am surrounded by people each day and the extent to which I have to interact with various other people on a daily basis, I’ve found the morning off once a week to be a huge blessing. Today is the second morning off that I’ve taken, with the first being two weeks ago. After my first morning off two Soldiers I work with mentioned to me that I was glowing. My co-workers frequently made that exact same comment about me last deployment the day after I’d taken some time off from work. Not only am I internally re-energized, it amazes me that there is also such a significant change in my appearance after spending a few hours alone.

I’ve set a few guidelines for myself on my time off. Spend some time in prayer and Bible study, no baking, no violin practice for church, get plenty of sleep, avoid crowds as much as possible, try and avoid unnecessary interaction with others, and spend the majority of the time lying in bed. Though I love serving other people and trying to make their lives more enjoyable, I cannot serve them best if I am a grumpy, overly-tired grouch.

This deployment I’ve also made new friends inside and outside of work; however, as my work hours increase my ability to spend time conversing and exchanging emails with my friends has significantly decreased. Though I really enjoy my new friends, I unfortunately have exhausted all of my mental and emotional reserves by the end of the day and have next to nothing left for further interaction, conversation, and sharing of thoughts with my friends. I hope that this changes sometime so that I can once again look forward to conversing with my friends on topics other than work related issues.

Time Off

I'm finally doing it...I'm taking four hours off tomorrow morning.  This week I began to notice that I was becoming very gloomy, depressed and felt burnt out.  The last time I had a quasi-day off was in mid-late April when I was up in Taji doing equipment inventories.  The last day I was up there all of the inventories were complete and so it was almost like a day off before we had to fly back to Falcon.  Both yesterday and today I noticed that even though I've been getting plenty of sleep my body felt the same as it does after I've been awake for 36 hours.  This afternoon I decided to finally make the decision to take some time off, and while I was walking back to my room tonight I realized just how much I do need to take a break.  I was walking down a road that has 20ft tall concrete barriers running parrallel to it and at one point, though I'm not sure how I managed to do it, but I ran into the barriers and fell down.  Thankfully it was dark out and I don't think anybody saw me fall, but if anyone did see me I'm sure they spent the rest of the night laughing at the LT who ran into a barrier and fell down because she was walking next to it. I had a good laugh at myself after I picked myself off the ground.   

5 Miles :)

Today I ran 5 miles faster than I ever have before: 40:12.  I cheated a bit because it was on a treadmill and the incline was at 0%.  The first 5 min were at a 9:14 pace at 0.5% incline.  Then I went up to 8min/mile pace at 0.5% incline for another mile or so  before going down to 0% incline and going up to a 7:54 min/mile pace, and then increased the pace for last 0.5 mile up to 7:30 min/mile pace and then up a bit more for the last quarter mile.  I left the gym quite happy :)

Work...Sleep...Run

I suppose it's been a while since I have written anything, though Heidi is still winning the lack-of-new-post contest.  Not a whole lot is new here, save for that I have a new job since the last time I posted on here.  Work keeps me rather busy and most of my time is spent dealing with detainees, though not in person.  I try and shoot for about a 13.5 hour work day (not including PT), I'm very happy if it is only a 12.5 hour work-day, but don't sweat it if it is 14-15 hours. The only downside of the longer work days is that I have less motivation to get up at 6am the next morning to go for a run. Soon I'll have to start running even earlier since it's starting to get hot by 6am now.  Before, it didn't really start to heat up outside until 7am. 

 

I've found that if I don't run in the morning I have no energy that day.  Even with that knowledge it is still very hard for me to pull myself out of bed a lot of mornings.  The past month I've averaged 17 miles a week, though my goal is to average at least 20 miles.  Some mornings, in order to motivate myself to get up, I make a deal with myself that if I get up and run early I can go back to bed after my shower until 8am.  The plan sometimes backfires on me though, like this morning.  I planned to run 5 miles, but had a really hard time getting up and so I made the deal again.  The problem was that I got up later than usual and I knew that I wouldn't have much time to sleep, so I ended up only running two miles on the treadmill so that I would at least run 17 this week...and then went back to bed. 

 

There are also many days that I think about how eventually I'm going to be able to take leave, and that going to bed and sleeping for an incredibly long time sounds wonderful.  I'm not sure why I'm so tired because I do get plenty of sleep, and if I don't get enough sleep it's my own doing...such as right now. 

 

We're supposedly allowed to take 4 hours off a week (come in late or leave early), but I have yet to see anyone do that.  Some days I may take a bit of a longer lunch, or like today, go visit a friend for two hours because I needed to talk to someone and get my mind off of things, but even then I feel like I'm slacking because I'm gone for so long.  There are occasional days that I'll come in late or other people will come in late, but it's always because we had to stay really late or were called back in to work the night before.  On the upside, right now the weeks are moving very fast.  I can't believe it's already Sunday again. 

 

Time to get some sleep.  Good night.

 

 

Grieving

My heart aches for his wife, daughter, and Jon. Though I didn't know him very well, I do know that Tim was truly a man after God's own heart. The world lost one of it's best.  You're in my prayers.

HACKED!!

The two recent posts about shoes were not from me.  My blog has apparently been hacked.

 

-The real Shibidie

28 March 08

Last night around 2300 I was going outside to brush my teeth and just as I stepped outside I heard a whistling overhead and then a small boom. Right after the boom a guy came running out of the darkness yelling "ROCKET!" as he ran past me inside. Since he was running I followed him running inside. There was one more faint boom after the that, but it turns out that the rockets overshot the FOB by a good distance so we weren't in any danger.

Just now I was walking from the TOC to the company command post (CP) via a shortcut across the helipad. The route is more dangerous because there aren't as many places to seek shelter and it's a wide open area, but the route does shave off a good bit distance and time. When I was about 2/3 of the way to the CP there was a huge explosion that made me jump and left me trying to figure out where I could seek shelter. A second later the PA system announced that it was controlled detonation. I think the controlled det was very nearby because I could seek black smoke rising right over the FOB perimeter wall nearby to were I was standing.

Even though it was a controlled det it shook me up a bit because for a moment I didn't know if it was one or not and all I knew was that I was out in the open unprotected with the explosion being very close. It's now time to put all of my gear back on. I'm still hoping each day that I'll find out that we won't have to wear all of our gear anymore.

25 March 08

There were two more IDF attacks today. The first was around 1400 and I was sitting in the Tactical Operating Center (TOC) for it. They were able to get a point of origin (POO) quickly and so they redirected Unmanned Aerial Vehicle (UAV) coverage to the POO. A blue bongo truck and a white sedan were at the scene and we followed the truck as it fled. The chase lasted over an hour and involved multiple people, insurgent vehicles, stops, and dropping off of equipment. At ont point we had attack aviation on the scene, but they couldn't positively identify the vehicle on the ground. All of us wanted to see them blow the insurgent vehicle to smithereens, but that never happened. In the end the three main insurgent vehicles were all stopped at a single house with the insurgents meeting inside, but everyone fled on foot just as ground troops arrived. Itw as extremely frustrating to watch them all get away.

This evening my roommate, Z, and I heard multiple explosiong but couldn't tell if they were incoming or outgoing. We were both a little jumpy and sensitive to sounds. The first explosions we heard were outgoing, but then around 2200 the sirens started going off and rounds began raining down on the FOB. I think there were 6-8 rounds during the first attack today, but I only counted 4-5 rounds in the second attack.

So far I haven't heard of any casualties from the second attack. No one was injured in the first one. At this rate we'll be wearing full battle rattle for the next 14.5 months.

24 March 08

This time around in Iraq is a lot different than last tour. In the days leading up to my arrival in country the forward operating base (FOB) had received multiple rounds of indirect fire (IDF), but only minor damage to buildings. The day I arrived, 21 March, I was joking with WO1 W. after dinner about how there hadn't been any IDF that day because the Anti-Coalition Forces (ACF) knew I was on the FOB. Then, not even five minutes later, at least 10 rounds of IDF came in. When the first round hit Mr. W and I looked at each other wondering if it was incoming or outgoing. We decided it must be outgoing because the sirens hadn't sounded, but right then the siren sounded and more rounds started coming in. Mr. W and I were right by our living quarters and ran inside the warehouse when the rounds started hitting. That's the last time I'll joke about an IDF attack not occurring on my account. One Soldier was killed and four were severely wounded in that attack.

Ever since that day we've had to wear full battle rattle every time we step outside or are in a building that is not a hardened structure during a 12-hour period of the day. We also are no longer allowed to eat lunch or dinner in the dining facility (DFAC) and instead have to get carryout boxes. While writing this we just had another IDF attack, so I'm guessing we'll be in full battle rattle for a few more days.

Last night I was in the TOC when the battle major yelled over for the UAV to fly to the site of an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) strike. It was dark out and so the UAV was using the infrared camera and I could tell that the IED strike site was extremely hot, but didn't think to much of it while I was watching the screen besides to wonder why it appeared so hot. I found out in the morning that what I saw the night before was a Bradley on fire. Four Soldiers inside burned to death and a fifth one was severely burned and might not survive. I was seeing Soldiers die and didn't even know it. CNN reported the IED strike because the death of those four Soldiers pushed the OIF death toll above 4,000.

Is it normal that I feel almost no emotion when I write all of this? The only emotions I do feel are those pertaining to wondering if I should feel anything because I just talked about five Soldiers dying.

Magic Time

This is the tent I lived in for two weeks in Kuwait, although this picture only shows half the tent. There were over 60 females living in the tent.

This is a picture from the doorway of my room in Iraq. My bed is the one on the right.

Here is what the outside of the rooms look like inside the warehouse. My PSG and his roommates aquired a couch that sits right outside their door, which is across from my door.

I've found, as with most people on FOB Falcon, that I've tried my best to plan my day so that most of my running around is accomplished before Magic Time. I'm not going to go in to what Magic Time is on this blog, but I will say that hopefully today is the last day with Magic Time because dressing up is getting old, especially in this heat. Thankfully, no magic shows have occurred during Magic Time the past few days and so it looks hopeful that today will be the last day of Magic Time. Goodness, my short term memory really is bad. I remember waking up yesterday and deciding to get up because I wanted to do something before Magic Time began, but for the life of me I can't remember what that something was. Oh, it's coming back to me now. I wanted to drop off my laundry. Unfortunately, I also wanted to go to the PX, but it opened after Magic Time had already begun and so it was a bit awkward carrying my new plastic 3-drawer cart back to my room. Things to look forward to after Magic Time ends: sitting in the DFAC to eat meals, no dressing up for 12 hours, going for a jog around the FOB, not being called Sir anymore, and so many other reasons.

Life is definitely different this time around. I have a roommate (and possibly a second one), I live in a room inside a warehouse instead of in a trailer, there is wireless internet in our living area, the FOB is a lot smaller, I carry an M4 instead of an M16, I'm a platoon leader instead of a BN staff officer, and I can use SKYPE to call people in my room instead of having to go to the phone trailer. All of those are positive things (even the roommates!). This may sound crazy and my attitude will most likely change after I've been here a few months, but right now I'm liking life and I am looking forward to taking over the mission here.

Kuwait and Iraq

Picture of me while I was the Officer in Charge (OIC) of the M4 Zero Range in Kuwait. It was pretty cool being out and looking around the Kuwait desert.

I got to see lots of camels out in the desert :)

This is a picture of the actual M4 range we ran.

I survived my two weeks in Kuwait and last night I arrived at FOB Falcon in Iraq. Falcon is definetly different than Taji, and tomorrow I will get to see just how different because I am making a one day trip up to Taji to drop off some flight records. Whereas in Taji I had a large two-person room all to myself, right now I am living in a room the size of a small Taji two-person room but have three other roommates (my commander, my supply sergeant, and an Air Force sergeant).

Ireland

I suppose that when I told people I was getting deployed they assumed I meant to Iraq or Afghanistan, but right now I'm sitting in beautiful Ireland enjoying the scenery, watching Heroes on my computer, and sipping on a Latte.  Yes, life is hard.  Unfortunately for me, I'm only stopped over in Ireland for a couple hours and then I continue on to the real deployment.