Thinking

There are times that I wish I knew without a doubt that I was outwardly ugly, because then I would also know that if a guy were ever to be attracted to me it would be because the part of me he likes most is who I am as a person instead of how I look on the outside.

Crossing The Finish Line

Here I am crossing the finish line at the marathon. The time reflected is not my chip time but the time of the marathon. My chip time was a little over 10 min faster.

Yesterday I tried to go for a run, but experienced some lower back pain that I haven't had before and so I turned around after 2 blocks. It felt like cramps in my lower back because it was more of an ache than a sharp pain and would disappear when I walked. Perhaps I need to stretch my hamstrings more or something.

Rambelings

At times I feel so old and like I have far to much responsibility for a 23 year-old, and then at other times I feel incredibly young and immature for my 23 years of age.  It boggles my mind that I am leading more than 20 soldiers, some whom have over a decade more experience in the military than myself, and overall responsible and accountable for somewhere between 2-10 million of dollars worth of equipment.  Thankfully, my platoon sergeant is awesome and I lean on him heavily.  It's in the military setting, due to the magnitude of responsibility and constant demands, that I feel older than 23.  Outside the military, when interacting with my non-military peers in a social setting, especially when they are married, I feel incredibly young. 

 

I used to want kids, but I'm never around them and now they intimidate me.  I don't know how to interact with them.  I still love kids and wish I was better with them, but I have no clue what to do.  Truthfully, I see a kid and I distance myself from them now.  It may sound weird, but the reason I back off from them is that I don't want them to make it blatantly obvious that they don't like me and I'm not good with them. 

 

Someday I want to taste success for more than a single day.  I want to be in a place where I don't feel guilty if I go home at night even though I worked 12-14 hours that day;  A place in life where I'm not constantly hanging on by my fingertips trying to juggle all the glass balls and then having more thrown into the mix at any given momement;  Where I am making a difference and sharing Christ with people; A place where I can actually be and feel like a woman;  A place that I smile more than I frown;  A place where I know what I am doing and am comfertable instead of always flying by the seat of my pants; A place where there is hope;  A place where individual people matter more than numbers and statistics;  a place where people are taught to love one another.  Does such a place exist?

Late Night Thoughts

Bold Color Dry Erase….Thus claims the EXPO dry erase marker that is on the table in front of me. I wonder how well it would sell if perhaps instead of "bold," the color were pegged as "audacious" or perhaps "daring." I can easily understand why the manufactures choose to call the color bold over my two suggestions, but why must the color of the marker even be marked as bold in the first place? Are there colors that are not bold? Looking at the end result of the marker on paper, to me the color appears to be a normal orange hue. In fact, it reminds me of an orange creamsicle. Would I call a creamsicle bold? Probably not, though they are quite tasty.

Now you may be wondering what has provoked me to write about a phrase on a dry erase marker, especially at 1:00 AM, though I don't expect to post this entry for quite a while so I can not expect you to know that it is currently 1:00 AM. Whether or not you know the exact time that I am writing this entry is of little consequence, and my reason for writing is of no more importance either. The reason for my writing is that I am on Brigade Staff Duty and awaiting the time to do my after-midnight checks of the BDE footprint. Being that it is after midnight at the moment, I could knock out the checks right now, but that would leave me with a good chunk of time afterwards when I doubt I'd have the mental capacity to contemplate such highly stimulating things as bold color dry erase markers. Of note, these particular markers are certified AP Nontoxic. I feel much safer knowing that a certain Ian M. could chew on as many of these markers for as long as he like without any damage due to toxins. I say his name because I recall a certain day long ago when my Mom was picking him up at his house for one thing or another and he came out to the car with his teeth a rather striking shade of purple, or some other equally bold color. He had discovered the markers that smell like fruit and decided to taste them. Though I am sure I outwardly acted as if he was an idiot for doing so, inwardly I wished that I could do the same because they did smell rather enticing. I have done my fair share of voluntarily tasting different substances in my youth, such as hand soap. I do not recommend anyone else try it. I am told that I once tasted bird droppings, though I do not recall doing so and do not wish to repeat that taste testing.

Having covered bold markers and taste testing quite thoroughly, it is now time to move on to another topic. In recent weeks my life has consisted of 13+ hour work days, 5 days a week, with weekends taken up moving or with more work related things. There have been some major changes, such as my old roommate getting out of the army and moving away, resulting in my moving into a new place with two new roommates, though one has yet to arrive. I do not handle change well, and with the constant demands at work, a lack of exercise/running, and dealing with moving into a new place, my outlook spiraled downward. My trip to San Diego and running the marathon proved to boost my mood for a couple days, but already the downward spiral has returned.

Running a marathon is something I never imagined I could accomplish until less than 5 months ago. Had my friend Lindsay not been the one to suggest it in the first place as a way for us to briefly hang out again after almost a year, I probably never would have run one. Now that I have run one and come to the conclusion that almost anyone can finish a marathon if they have enough determination, I think I want to run another one. Though my goal was just to finish and I told myself I wouldn't care about the time, I know that I can do better than my 5:02:10 if can manage to be more consistent in my training and also run a smarter race. Although my training this last time was sub-standard, it must have worked a little because my muscle and joint soreness was nowhere near the level I expected after the marathon, and today I was not sore at all. Were I not on BDE Staff Duty tonight I would have tried to go for a 2 mile jog this evening. Yes, it would have been very light and easy. Two nights ago I looked up post-marathon recovery information and today was the first day they listed as it being okay for me to do a light jog. Since I couldn't go for the run, I went for an 800m swim at lunch instead. I do not know if I will be able to run another marathon before I deploy due to 4 weeks of NTC in AUG/SEP messing up training time for another one. I will never be a fast runner, but I can always compete against myself.

The News Story

Tornado wreaks havoc in Killeen Posted on: Saturday, May 26, 2007 By Kevin M. Smith
Killeen Daily Herald

A small tornado made a brief touchdown in Killeen on Friday afternoon, terrorizing residents of an apartment complex and some houses on the eastern edge of town.

"We're the lucky ones – the Dumpster didn't land in our living room," Martina Herrera said.

Herrera's husband, Antonio, was sitting on the patio of their apartment a little after 5 p.m. Sunday when he saw the small tornado rip through the parking lot. Antonio rushed into his apartment, where his wife was making sandwiches and a friend was using the computer.

"It sounded like a train was going through our apartment," Martina said.

They huddled in the bathroom for about 30 seconds as the twister – about 300 feet from their building –

tossed dumpsters and other debris around the complex. It peeled off the top layer of several apartment building roofs, knocking down air conditioner units and moving cars.

Martina said they had no idea it was coming.

"We didn't get a warning here, and here it comes," she said.

Martina said the lights went out about a minute and a half before the tornado hit.

Then the Herreras had some options: sleep on the floor with no electricity in an empty apartment in their complex, stay at their current apartment with no electricity or go to the Killeen Community Center. They said they wanted to stay in their wet apartment to ensure there was no looting.

"We've been flooded and tornadoed in 24 hours," Martina said.

Martina's friend, Andrea Jacobs, is from California. This was her first tornado.

"It got quiet and it felt weird," said Jacobs, who has lived in Killeen about a year.

That's when Antonio rushed into the room to tell them there was a tornado.

Glenn Maddox was coming home in time to watch it rip the roof off his second-story apartment.

"I've been through a couple," Maddox said.

He was taking his family to Austin to stay with a friend for the weekend until electricity was restored.

The tornado was first reported at about 5:10 p.m. between the 700 and 1000 block of Twin Creek Drive in eastern Killeen. The twister went on a northwest track, uprooting trees, knocking down fences, tearing up portions of buildings, including a dry cleaner business on Rancier Avenue, before hitting the Allora Way apartment complex in the 4100 block of East Rancier Avenue. It skipped through Long Branch Park, causing minor damage.

"It just kind of bounced around," said Carroll Smith, Killeen Police Department spokesperson.

Smith said no injuries were reported.

"But there is quite a bit of damage to residences," she said.

According to the National Weather Service, the funnel cloud was spotted over Fort Hood, but as of press time no damage was reported on post.

A shelter for residents affected by the floods and tornado is at the Killeen Community Center, 2201 E. Veterans Memorial Blvd.

Graduation

Congratulations USMA Class of 2007!

Tornado

Yesterday there was a big thunderstorm here. In the evening Andrea and I drove over to Jordan's house to watch a movie and eat pizza.  It wasn't until then that we found out we both somehow managed to miss the tornado that hit our apartment complex.  I was taking a nap and Andrea was in the shower when it tore off the chimney and brick siding off of one of the other buildings in the complex, as well as caused other damage.  Neither of us had a clue there'd been a tornado until we saw the destruction.  

It's Official (UNCLASSIFIED)

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE

MSNBC News Services

 

WASHINGTON - The Pentagon has notified more than 35,000 soldiers and Marines to be prepared to deploy to Iraq beginning this fall, a move that would allow commanders to maintain the ongoing buildup of troops through the end of the year if needed.

 

The 10 brigades are: the 2nd Stryker Cavalry Regiment in Germany; the 4th Brigade, 3rd Infantry Division from Fort Stewart, Ga.; the 1st, 2nd and 3rd Brigades of the 101st Airborne Division from Fort Campbell, Ky.; the 3rd Armored Calvary Regiment from Fort Hood, Texas; the 2nd Brigade, 1st Armored from Germany; 4th Brigade, 10th Mountain Division from Fort Polk, La.; 2nd Brigade, 25th Infantry Division from Hawaii; and the 1st Brigade, 4th Infantry Division from Fort Hood, Texas.

 

Copied from: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18553877/

 

Looks like I’ll be spending the next two Christmas seasons in Iraq.  15 months of fun, here I come. 

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE

It Never Ends (UNCLASSIFIED)

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE

I have not written very much recently because I don't have a lot to say.  When I sit down to think over my life I swing from depression about my current situation to reprimanding myself for not being grateful for the blessings and opportunities in my life.  When is the last time I really cared about something?  How long has it been since I've been either happy or sad?  I'm stuck in a middle ground of little emotion.  The faces of the people around me are tired and stressed.  People jumping through hoops to meet one demand upon another.  The workload never decreases; the day never ends; the weekend never comes.  Work 24/7/365.  Never enough time.

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE

Yay!

Congratulations Heidi and Kevin on your engagement! :)

Bored on FOB Raider

This evening marks the 1/3 of the way through point here on FOB Raider. There are two more weeks of fun left in this great field exercise. I am once again a fobit, save for when I go with my platoon on a patrol to the TUAS launch and recovery site during the day. The days are long, average at least 14-16 hours of work every day, but not jammed packed, which makes the days feel even longer. Life on the FOB is not too bad, just boring. I am trying to keep my platoon occupied with training on the Raider Big 10 and the 40 Warrior Tasks, but my soldiers would rather be flying and are rather bored most of the time with life here. We are not providing anything of value to BDE since our equipment has not returned and 3rd ACR , so instead my soldiers end up being tasked out to do details such as KP.

Adam just called. I haven't talked to him in awhile.

Heading to the Field

Tomorrow I head out to the field for three weeks.  I keep trying to tell myself that it's like going camping, but I have yet to convince myself.  Besides, I will most likely be spending most of my time in the brigade TOC trying to pretend like my platoon actually has equipment and is a useful asset for this training exercise.  Too bad we won't get any of our equipment back from reset until after we return from the field, so my soldiers and I who are stationed up in the TOC may be twiddling our thumbs for a bit while being yelled at for not providing any UAV coverage with the equipment we don't have.  The next few weeks should be an interesting experience to say the least. 

15 Months

15 month deployments are the new standard as of yesterday.  That's a long time to be deployed.   

 

Over there now:

Rachel

Charlie

Jordan

Phil

Ben

Brian

Austin

Dan

Leah

 

Headed over in the next few months:

Jim

Mike

Celio

 

Just to name a few off the top of my head.

 

Tired...

Be Thou At Peace

I found out today that another classmate, 1LT Phil Neel, '05, was killed in Iraq on 08 April 07.  I remember him most from the OCF Rocky Mountain High trip a few weeks after graduation.  He was a great guy. 

 

Well done; Be thou at peace.

http://www.west-point.org/users/usma2005/61896/

Too Much

Numb...

Hits Closer to Home

This evening I received a distro email update from the father one of my friends from West Point informing everyone that a few days ago my friend was out with her MP team and her team was hit by an IED (roadside bomb).  The IED killed four of her soldiers.  Even though I spent a year in Iraq and my brigade suffered losses like that at times, I didn't know any of the platoon leaders of the soldiers who died, and I didn't have a platoon of my own at the time.  What I am trying to say is that the news always hit me hard, but it wasn't as personal.  Now, I don't even want to think about what it would be like to lose one of my soldiers, let alone four.  Please pray for my friend Jordan and her platoon. 

The Ghostly Assemblage

On March 31st a third classmate joined the Ghostly Assemblage.

http://www.west-point.org/users/usma2005/62039/

Rest in peace
1LT Neale Shank '05.

Relaxing Saturday

Saturday was another lazy Saturday, which is exactly what I needed after the past couple of weeks. At 2pm I was still in my PJs. I woke up around 9:30am, but after getting up and eating breakfast I went back to bed for about two hours. The only activity that I did all day was going on a little over a 9.8 mile run with Jordan in the afternoon.

Last week was a three-day work week due to Monday and Friday being training holidays, but I was scheduled for Brigade Staff Duty (SDO) on Wednesday. Another officer ended up wanting to trade days with me because she had it Friday and I reluctantly agreed to switch with her. It ended up working out perfectly because I was able to have dinner with my dad on Wednesday evening. Thursday was the BN hail and farewell, after which I went to a pre-St. Patty’s day party at Christy’s house. I arrived a couple hours late and only stayed for an hour due to having staff duty the next day. Friday, of course, I had staff duty which lasted from 8am Friday morning to 8am Saturday morning (no sleep). After my shift was complete on Saturday I went home and got about four hours of sleep before some of my friends and I headed down to Austin for the Star of Texas Fair and Rodeo. It was my first time seeing a rodeo and I rather enjoyed the whole thing, though Jordan thinks they are rather cruel. Jordan, Zack, and Andrea all left before the rodeo, but Amy, Willy, Heather, and I all stayed.

This past week was my first full five-day week as a platoon leader. I am really enjoying the job and my soldiers. The issues that arise are completely different than anything I ever had to deal with as an S2, but working with soldiers is so much more enjoyable. Closeout formation is usually mid-afternoon, but most days this week I ended up staying till 6pm or 7pm for different reasons. On Thursday I was at work until 7pm, then rushed home, quickly changed my clothes, went out for a 5 mile run, came back showered, ate dinner, and went to bed. Today is the first day where I have a little time to relax and unwind.

The week wore me out because I am trying to learn my new job which involves trying to process a ton of information that is completely new to me, as well as trying to sort out my emotions on a personal matter. If only I didn’t think so deeply about things.

Yet Another Very Vauge Post

My emotions and thoughts are all over the board right now. Thursday afternoon I recieved a call from one of my friends giving me some news that normally would've been out of the blue, save for the fact that I had a dream about the exact thing a couple days or more before hand. My dream had seemed so real that a couple of times, including when I was driving to Waco to have dinner with my Dad on Wednesday, I started wondering how the people involved in the dream were handeling the situation and hoped they were doing okay because it had to be very hard on both of them. Then, I would remember that it was just a dream. Needless to say, when I learned the news that it shocked me and all I could say was, "wow," over and over again. My friend who told me the news made me promise to not mention it to anyone, so my usual method/outlet of sorting through my emotions and thoughts aloud to my friends is not avaliable. On Friday I had BDE staff duty, which left me far too much time to think and ponder the situation. The whole day I felt like I was in emotional shock and also wanted to curl up in a ball and cry, but of course that was not an option. Instead I spent a lot of time staring off into space and probably looked very tired and worn-out.

I have no idea why I am reacting the way I am to the news. I guess when people you really care about are hurting you hurt too. It's also bringing back a lot of memories from the past year and I feel like I'm going through the same struggle that I went through at the end of October and not knowing the outcome of it all, wondering what God has planned in all of this, wondering if there is any hope for me in the future, yet feeling bad for wondering that at a time like this.

Running for Peace of Mind

If I didn't think so much I would have a lot less drama and frustration in my life. Yesterday I planned to go for a 5 mile run, but after I reached the turn around point I stopped and watched the sun setting for a bit and then walked back to the apartment. It was while I was walking back that I realized that when I run I don't think very much. In fact, usually what happens is one line of the most recent song that I've listened to repeats itself over and over again in my head the entire run. Instead of being annoying I find it helps me concentrate on running. I find it nearly impossible to think deeply while running. I say all this because the other 99% of my life I spend contemplating things that more often than not are things that I do not need to spend hours upon hours over-analyzing. I wish I could turn off my mind and not think so much sometimes.

I'd write more, but it's getting late. Guten nacht.