Just a few minutes ago I recived a phone call that would probably make most people happy, but for me it was rather dissapointing. It was a CPT calling to inform me that the report date for SMULT has changed from the 25th to the 29th, meaning that I have another week at home. I do like my family and enjoy being around them, but I was looking forward to seeing my friends and getting back to doing military training. On the bright side, I can now make it to my cousin's graduation party on Saturday. I know I shouldn't complain. Some people would kill for more time off. I just need to find something to do to keep me occupied.

I think I'm allergic to something in Michigan. Every time I've been home for more than a few days in the past year my ear starts to hurt and becomes a bit swollen inside. I think it all started a year ago when I was home for a week and developed a double ear infection right before I left on my AIAD.

All engaged, all around my age/grade:
Tyler
Brian
other Brian
Jon
good Josh
Megan
Jason
Joel
Mike
Jodi
Pat
Mary
Steph
Teresa
plus at least 5-10 others I can't remeber

Finding out that my friends and classmates are now engaged makes me feel really young. I know it should be the opposite, that it should make me feel old, but it doesn't. That part of life still seems so far off to me, and when I hear that they are engaged I can't fully grasp it. I'm only 20, they are only 20-22ish, perhaps some a few years older, but none above 25. 25 I can understand, 25 seems normal (that's you heiko), but 20. I'm still growing up, trying to make it through school, maturing, figuring out who I am, not feeling grown up. Maybe it stems from the fact that I live in such a closed enviroment most of the year. Perhaps it is normal to feel this way.

Part of me is expecting that to all suddenly change when I graduate. Some magic button will be pressed, and I'll suddenly be a grown up. I'll be ready to go out on my own, be an officer, be in charge, and perhaps then not feel so young. Of course, I know that is not going to happen all of a sudden once I graduate. Over time, perhaps, but no magic button.

I remember back in middle school how I couldn't imagine myself in high school. It seemed too far away, too unfamiliar, to grown up. Now I'm 1 year away from graduating from college. It's amazing how things change. I think I'll look back on this time the same way. Life happens, whether you think it will or not.

One of the books I'm currently reading: A Severe Mercy
It's a great book, even though I am only a few chapters into it. Talk about two people being truely in love.

I've been having trouble recently when I'm trying to get to websites. I type in the address, or click on my link to it in my favorites, and am redirected to some other random site. Yesterday, my favorites link to this site was redirecting me to the UofM email login page. When I typed in the address it did the same thing. I've had that happen to me with other web pages as well, including my google homepage. They all end up at different sites. In order to get to the page I want to get to, I have to close IE and open it up again. So odd.

I made the mistake of going downtown today, the day before the Art Fair opens. No parking, and lots of detours where in store for me. Plus, I couldn't find what I was looking for to buy. Oh well. I don't think I've been to the art fair in at least 10-13 years. There is some cool stuff there, but what I remember about it from when I was little was that it was very hot, the sun was beating down on me, I was very thirsty, it was extremly crowded, and it made me very tired. Other than that it was a good time. In any case, I don't want to be tempted to pay for something that I don't need and don't have space for right now. Although, this could be the last year I have the opportunity to experiance the art fair, so perhaps I should risk it.

Grrr...the latest word on Ring Weekend is that they are moving the ring ceremony to Saturday. Some people might say I've waited 3 years for it, what's a few more hours, but to them I say "poo on you." I want my ring. I don't really care about my actual ring, although I am looking forward to getting it. What matters most to me is that it is a symbol of what I have accomplished so far over the past 3 years. I'd go into more depth, but that would be getting a bit too mushy gushy for me right now. Perhaps later when ring weekend is closer.

40 days to Ring Weekend
313 days till Graduation

Oh My Gosh, Sir/Ma'am!
What a Beautiful Ring.
What a crass mass of brass and glass.
What a bold mold of rolled gold.
What a cool jewel you got from your school.
See how it sparkles and shines?
It must have cost you a fortune.
May I touch it?
May I touch it please, Sir/Ma'am?

My prayers go out to his family in their time of loss.

Personal entry...
As much as I want to get away from civilization, what I really want is someone to talk to. I've noticed that as my time away from school has progressed, I've started talking less and less. Part of my can't wait to get back to school, because there I'm not known because of the school I go to, or anything related to it. Of course, there I also don't have someone I can totally confide in. Does anybody have someone like that, or is it just some dream I have?

I feel like I have a bunch of different masks that I wear. Each of them is trying to hide something, and make me appear better than I actually am. I'm scared that someone I who I don't want to will strip off the mask and be very dissapointed in what they find, because it is the real me. When I'm home a lot of it stems from being known as the person who goes to USMA. People introduce me as "This is ___. She goes to West Point." I don't mind that in-an-of-itself, nor do I mind the dozens of questions that usually follow about the school. In fact, I enjoy answering the questions. What bothers me is that I feel like I am expected to be more spectacular than I actually am. I don't think they want to know the truth that I suck at running, I'm not great at push-ups, although West Point is hard at times, I think a lot of people have the idea that it is more challenging than it actually is. I don't think I've done anything spectacular in my time there, I haven't jumped out of an airplane yet, nor do I have my own personal stash of weapons that I can go off and shoot whenever I want. I haven't qualified with an M16 since Beast, I haven't thrown a grenade since Beast. Academically I'm somewhere in the middle, physically and militarly I'm ranked somewhere in the middle or lower. Hazing the plebes is not my specialty, in fact I rarely do it because I'm usually busy with crew. Sure there are things that are different than a regular college, but I didn't enter West Point and suddenly turn into super woman. I'm not that great.

When I tell people about the real experiance, especially the fact that I don't have my own stash of weapons and my athletic abilities, I feel like they are dissapointed and that they expected more from me. When I'm home I don't like entering in contests or competitions with people, because I feel like they expect me to perform better than perhaps I actually can, and be good at everything. Part of it stems from me developing into a person who hates to fail, or be showed up at anything. I've become an extremely competative, or perhaps it is egotistical, person, but it goes a bit overboard to the point where I'm afraid of failure.


This past semester I have been very depressed, more so than I ever have been before. Although I know it is not logical or rational, the phrase that repeats in my mind is "You are not good enough," that going for all areas of my life. I know perfectly well that there are religious issues or matters tied in with that, in fact I can hear my Dad delivering a sermon to me about it right now and know what points he most likely would bring up, but his little sermon in my head about it does not seem to be helping.

When I try and talk to someone about what is going on with me and what I am feeling, it usually ends up backfiring. I unload too much on them, and they end up distancing themselves from me because I am too depressing. Hence, I wear masks around most people. When I open up I push people away.

"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do..."
"All you wanted was somebody who cares..."

This past week I was on vacation with my family at the lake up north. My dad's brothers and their families were up there as well, along with two other families who our families are friends with. The time up there made me think about how lucky we all are. We're able to all get together at a nice lake, stay in two very nice houses, and have a wonderful time together for a week. The biggest arguments, which were not very big at all, were the adults saying what time the fire had to be put out at night, because they wanted it to be quiet so they could sleep. One of my uncles brought his boat up, so there was a lot of tubing and waterskiing, along with some knee boarding and wake boarding. I only went tubing because I was worried about how my shoulders. A few mornings I took a kayak out and paddled around, but found it rather dull. On wednesday afternoon I rode a bike 32 miles around the lake. That was very peacefull and relaxing, even more so than when I took my car and went out on drives to try and get away from civilization. On one of my car trips I found a place to go on a short hike that also had a very nice view of some hills. My cousins along with my sister and the kids of the family friends and I, would go to the bay and hang out, then stay up late making s'mores and talking around the fire. Overall it was a very relaxing week.

Tomorrow I leave for a family vacation up north. It's the first vacation I've been on since the summer going into senior year. I'm not sure if I'll be able to water ski, but I'll at least be able to go tubing.

Earlier this week I went out to lunch with Misha, and then he gave me a tour of his work place. He works at Avacore helping develop the CoreControl system. He showed me some of the work he's been doing, and also let me try out a system. I guess it is being test out by both Army Rangers and Special Forces right now in hopes that in a few years it will be in a form avaliable for the military.

This morning I picked my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins up from the airport. I was really glad to see them again, although Isaac and Anna were practically sleeping with their eyes open because it was 6:30am, and they had just come from CA. After I dropped them off at my Grandma's house, I promptly went back home and fell asleep until 9:25 when my alarm went off. The snooze alarm was used every 8 minutes from then until around 10, when I finally made myself get up. I had to take my car back to the place I had the oil changed to make sure all the other fluids they changed were done correctly, and have them tighten the serpentine belt.

Matt and I made plans to meet for lunch at 12:30, but since I had a lot of time to spare between getting the car checked out and lunch, I decided to drive around a bit. I wanted to get away from civilization, but driving on dirt roads around farms was a close as I could get. It proved to be more refreshing than I expected, and I think that I'll do it again when I need to get away. I'm hoping that up north I can actually go hiking in some more remote areas.

Lunch was nice. It was good to see Matt again. He's a great guy. Afterwords I went to Cabela's and bought my first pair of hiking boots, as well as a pair of pants to wear while backpacking.

So far home has been relaxing. I've spent a lot of time reading and hanging out with my sisters, or at least one of my sisters. Heidi just got back from up north yesterday, and so I've only spent a little time with her. Betsy invited me to practice with her slow pitch softball team, and that has been very enjoyable. It feels great to throw a ball and swing a bat again. Her team has their first game on Thursday and I am planning on going to it.

This afternoon Betsy and I went out to buy a tennis racket so that we could play tennis after Mass and dinner, but the sporting goods store we went to was in the procces of moving, and they didn't have any tennis stuff out. Instead we looking at the athletic clothing, and I showed her what kind of clothing was good for wicking sweat away from the body. We both ended up spending a fair amount of money on athletic clothes there. I had to force myself to leave the store before I bought anything more.

Last night I tried my hand at making a strawberry-rhubarb pie. It was a bit soupy at first, but it has thickend up a bit. I think it turned out fairly well, since there is only a quarter or so of it left. Perhaps I'll make another one later.

It's amazing, although I have easy access to the home computer as well as my laptop while I am home, I spend far less time on the computer. Yesterday I didn't even touch one. Today I spent some time online researching hiking and biking trails in Michigan. The end result was that I came to the conclusion that I don't have the correct bike to go on most of the trails, and I don't have the equipment needed to go on a hiking trip. I had to resist the urge to go out and remedy the problem.

Home at last :)

I was supposed to get into Detroit around 10pm on Friday night, but my plane was delayed in North Carolina, and so I ended up missing my connection to Detroit. There wasn't another flight until 6:30 the next morning, so they put me on that flight to Cleavland, and from there on a flight to Detroit. I made it into Detroit at 10:10 am Saturday morning. The important thing is that I am finally home. Yay!

I love my jeep. It is even better than I imagined. My parents drove it to the airport so that I could drive it home. I also like all the work my parents have done on the house. They have redone all of the first floor except the family room and the bathroom. It looks very nice, and I also like having a kitchen while I am home this time.

Betsy invited me to a bonfire tonight, and so I went over there. I was able to see some of my friends from middle school, and also some of my sister's friends whom I'd met before but don't really know. The bonfire was fun, and we made s'mores. Yummy.

It's so nice to relax. Woohoo, I'm home.

This morning I woke up, and the first thought that entered my mind was "I wish I had CTLT in Korea, because then I'd be leaving today, and since Korea is a few time zones away, I'd have already left." Work today consisted of PT, and then around 9:30 they let me go and run errands I needed to do. I was able to get a box to ship home full of stuff, get a new set of dog tags, buy a new brown bdu t-shirt, and get a new pair of glasses. After lunch I went back to the pack shed, where my LT gave me a hard time for having yesterday afternoon off, and then having the mornign off to run errands. He then proceeded to let me go back to the hotel, because there wasn't anything for me to do.

1 more day :)

Yesterday I was talking to Bea-hob on IM and he asked me if there was anything that I would die for. The things that came to mind were God, family, country. He then asked me a question that really made me think. He asked me what it means to die for God, and how I translate that into everyday actions. Thinking about having to actually die for my faith is the easy part, in part because I am not currently faced with that possibilty. However, as Bea-hob reminded me, I am called to die each day for God, so to speak. How that is done is by living in Christ, not in the world. When he asked me that question I really wondered how I do die each day for Christ. I really struggle with sharing my faith, because I am worried about what other people will think. Will they think I am crazy, a hypocrite, a goody-two-shoes, someone who has no fun? Yet it shouldn't matter what other people think of me. The only one that matters is God, but so often I lose sight of that and am silent.

Totally different subject: This morning I learned how to pack a personal parachute. It was harder than I thought, and I found it much harder than packing the cargo parachutes. Since that only took the morning to do and get another tour of the pack shed, my LT let me go back to the hotel at lunch. This afternoon I went and saw The Stepford Wives. I wouldn't really recommend the movie. It was pretty strange.

2 days left :)

Friends away message who is a PL for Beast: " today will be a significant emotional event for 1237 of the nation's brightest young people.....R-Day 2004. the hatred for 08 is super high right now"

I can't wait to get home, get away from everything, and be on vacation. It'd also be really nice to go backpacking away from everything again. Perhaps that is my new mode of escape. I love being out in the woods away from civilization, surrounded by hills or mountains, sleeping under the stars, or in a makeshift shelter, being able to be comfertable in silence with friends as we hike, preparing food over a hiking stove or a fire, collecting water from a stream, sitting on a rock outcropping watching the sun set, seeing for miles on the hill tops, being worried only about porcipines attacking at night, and getting away from daily trials, struggles, and problems. However, I don't think I'd enjoy backpacking if the pace had to be fairly fast in order to accomplish a certain distance, or get to a certain point. I need time to unwind and relax and go at my own pace.

I've found I have a love for hills and mountains, but along with that, or in addition to that, I have a love of clouds and the sky. There are so many times I wish I had a camera with me that could capture the majestic clouds and beauty of the sky. Whether they are wispy strands of clouds strung out like strands of cotten, or huge billows piled on each other like cotten balls stacked in the sky, I find them awe inspireing. When the sun is setting and it casts a pink and yellow hue throughout the sky, it almost takes my breath away. The beauty of the sky constently reminds me of God and how awesome he is. He created the sky and the clouds. He made the sun sets. He is the true artist.

I've seen a few little bumper stickers around post that say "Army wife, the toughest job in the Army." Although I am still really young, and have a while before I have to really think about it, for years I've wondered about the women who are both Army wives and Army soldiers, because it is likely that I will someday end up in that catagory. They have to care for their family, and care for their soldiers. How do they manage? I'm always on the lookout for role models in that area. I just realized that here at Fort Bragg I have a unique oportunity to see how many women wear both titles of mother, wife, and soldier in dual military families. Both my sponser and company commander even fall in that cataory. Now that I've realized that, perhaps I can get some advice from them about it.

Less than a week left. I've learned some good stuff during CTLT, like the role of a platoon leader. Yesterday I had an office call with COL Hudson, who is the COSCOM commander. He gave me some good advice about being a soldier, officer, leader, and person. Hopefully I'll actually be able to remember it.

I talked to Misha yesterday, and he said he would probably be able to help me out with the mini-boot camp. He loves the army, and is even considering using the army as means to medical school, or something like that. I can't wait to hang out with him again.

My car is ready to be picked up, which means it will be waiting for me at my house when I get home next week. Yay!

I was mistake for a rigger this morning by some of the soldiers. We were packing flight bags to be airdropped at Fort Irwin, and I was showing them how do to it, because I learned yesterday, and since we had all taken off the bdu tops and were just in brown t-shirts, name and ranks were not visible. Once or twice they refered to me as "rigger." I had to tell them that I wasn't, and that I was just a cadet. They then asked me a lot of questions about being a cadet. Although a lot of them don't quite understand how it works, because they are conviced I'm here trying to figure out what MOS I want. Even though I don't really want to branch quatermaster, I think if I do somehow end up in the branch I want to be in a rigger unit.

It's been half a year since I've seen my sisters, but I'm going to get to see them in a few days. Yay! I guess this is kinda getting me ready for the future when it will be a year before I see my family again when I am deployed. This morning I remembered that Berry won't be there when I get home. That made me very sad thinking about her being gone, and how it will be different without her in the house when I get there.

Having had some extra time on my hands with nothing better to think about, I've started day dreaming about something. I think it would be cool to run a 1-day mini-boot camp for kids at my church, or other kids who'd be intersted, while I'm home. What I've thought about is teaching things like low-crawling, high-crawling, 3-5 second buddy rushes, and a little drill and ceremony. Throughout it I'd stress the importance of having a ranger buddy at all times, having self-disciplne, and respect for both people and equipment. This evening I searched online and found toy M16 rifles for around $8.00 each, 1 Qt canteens for under $2.00 each, and woodland camo baseball caps for $5.00 each. I figure that if I actually could get this thing to work, it'd cost about $15 per kid. I'd lose some money on it, but that way the cost would not be too daunting for anyone interested, plus the kids would come away with some cool gear, although it'd be imitation. It's just a dream, but it gives me something to think about, and it'd be really cool if I actually could get it to happen.

Due to a lack of anything better to do, I now have a very good uniform, especially my boots. I'll never be satisfied by the shine on my boots, but I'm getting better at it. First I start out with a good base of regular black shoe polish. I shine it as best as I can with that with a cloth. After I've got a good shine with the regular shoe polish, I add a top coat or two of lincoln wax black shoe polish. That makes the shine even more brilliant. After a few coats of that, I top it all off with Seal-a-shine. I discovered it at General Jackson's the other day. It's a liquid that "enhances and protects your shine, and serves as an excellent base for your next shine." I then edge dress the edges of the soles of the boots. The result is a shiny, black boot.

Today was another semi-interesting day. PT this morning was supposed to be combatives, but instead we did a regular muscle failure workout while in bdu's and boots. I then showered at the gym, drove to the pack shed, ate my breakfast, and read the Bible. At 9 I went into the pack shed to begin the work day. The morning I spent with the parachute maintanece guys learning how to patch a parachute, trying my hand at a little sewing, and then watching the guys sew for the rest of the morning. I was tempted to ask them if they ever thought that they would spend their time in the army sewing. For lunch I drove over to the mini-mall, parked my car, ate lunch and read some more of The Princess Bride, and then took a 30 min nap. At 12:45 I headed back to the pack shed, and entered it at 1pm. I spent the afternoon learning how to pack a 100 ft diameter, G-11 parachute. It has a load capacity of 5,000 lbs. Yesterday I learned how to pack the G-12 parachute, which is only 64 ft in diameter. My knife has come in very handy the past few days in the pack shed. There are tons of cords and strings that need to be cut when packing the parachutes. At 5 I headed back to the hotel. Yesterday I went over to Matt's and did a load of laundry, and he said I could do another load today at either his or Julia's place, but I'm feeling to lazy this evening to drive across town to do laundry. I'll wait till another day, or come up wtih $2.50 in quaters and do it here.

I'm liking this week more than the previous weeks because I get to actually do some stuff, plus interact a lot more with the soldiers. I didn't like the fact that before I barely even saw any of the soldiers in the platoon. Now these soldiers are actually teaching me how to do their job, plus I can ask them a ton of questions and get to know what it is like for them, and they have a lot of questions for me. Hopefully they won't lose all of their respect for me tomorrow at PT when they see how bad of a runner I am.

This past week has been fun. I did the 10-mile race on Thursday and managed to run the whole way, although the last few miles were extremely slow, I spent a ton of time with John, Matt, and Julia, and spent hardly any time sitting bored in my hotel room. Matt took John and I to the special forces museum and the 82nd Airborne museum on Friday. On Saturday we went to General Jackson's, which is an awesome store, and they helped me pick out my first knife. I say first because although I have had Swiss Army Knives, and Gerber multi-tool things, this is my first good, single blade, no tools attached, knife. Hmm, I guess that would sound a little strange to anyone who isn't in the military or know anything about it. Knives are very useful, especially out in the field, for cutting rope, opening MRE's, whitteling wood during bored briefings, and flipping open and shut just for fun. Anyway, I ended up with a Spyderco knife, becuase John said some of his friends had them and they didn't have to sharpen them for 2 years. I've gotten a lot better at opening and closing it single handed. Don't worry Mom, I'm being safe.

This coming week the Battalion Commander is switching me to a Rigger unit so that I can experiance a wider range of what the Quartermaster Corps has to offer. I'm both glad and not so glad. I was getting used to the fact that there wasn't much to do before, and now I don't know what to expect. I also have to adjust to a new company. In any case, it should be a good experiance.

I'm looking forward to getting home and having some time with my family. Happy Fathers Day Dad :)

Being able to hang out with John, Matt, and Julia in the evenings has made a world of difference. Matt and Julia are two LTs in Johns company. Yesterday they had a night airborne operation, and so John invited me to go along to see them jump and then pick them up. Since we didn't have to be at the drop zone until 11pm, we hung out before hand. We went out to dinner and then stopped by a store so I could pick up stuff to make butterscotch brownies, because I'd been craving those. Since John is staying at Matt's house, and Matt is a bachlor, I didn't expect to find any real baking supplies there, and I was right. When I was about halfway through making the brownies I couldn't find the flour or the baking powder. I remembered buying them, but they weren't in the house and they weren't in the car. It turns out that I left an entire bag of supplies at the checkout. Needless to say, the brownie batter ended up going down the sink :( Hopefully I'll be able to make them tonight.

After that we watched a movie and proceeded to have a drawn out pillow fight throught the course of the movie. It turned into him trying to use combative moves on me since he had just had the class that year. I had it two years ago, and so I didn't remember the moves as well, or how to get out of them, and ended up having to tap out a few times. It was good exercise though, which I counted as my PT for today even though it was the night before. I got back from the jump around 2:30am, and so I was excused from PT in the morning.

Tomorrow I'm running in the Army Birthday 10-miler. I've run 7 miles before, but I don't think I've run 10 at one time. I'm not that nervous because it is not something that I have to finish in the certain time. My goal is just to finish, especially since I have not been running a ton.

Friday is another day off. Yay :)