ARGH!!! I go to help a friend out with something on her web page and lose my most recent post I'm writing. When it tells you it saved it it's lying :(

hi

Tonights the big night where my classmates and I sign our lives away to the Army for the next 7 years. I wasn't at all nervous untill this afternoon. Now I'm a tiny bit nervous just because it's the real thing. I've never doubted that this is where I'm meant to be and where I'd be happiest. Still, I'm a bit nervous. There's no saftey net after this.

Why have I lost about half of my archived posts? Anyone know?

Drill again today. The A-day parade is tomorrow right after the brigade run. Everyone's wondering how many people will faint during the parade because of dehydration. It's so hot and pretty humid. Yesterday I saw a guy in the company right next to mine take a knee. Nobody fell over though, although I heard that the new cadet right behind me looked pretty close at one point. Thankfully the upperclassmen were at rest and so I turned around and told him to drink some water.

Today at the cow's supe briefing he put of the picture that had me in it from R-day. He must really like that picture becaused he used it last winter in a different briefing. I cringed, ducked down in my seat and tried to hide, but that was pretty hard with all of my friends around me laughing and pointing right at me. There's nothing like having a bad picture of yourself shown on a huge screen in front of 1000 of your friends and classmates.

Yesterday the power went out here from 4:10-9:20pm. I guess it was out over a lot of the east. When I called home they didnt' have power there either, and still didn't this morning. My parents are supposed to come up to West Point tomorrow so that they can see the affermation ceremony on Sunday, but that will only happen if power is back on there and in the states they have to travel through.

I bought Absolutely American at the bookstore right now and just started reading it even though I'm not even halfway finished with The Long Grey Line. I start reading a ton of books, but hardley ever finish any of them because I move onto a new, more exciting one. Right now I have 5 books on my bookshelf that I started reading but haven't finished.

Day 1:

05:15 wake up
05:40-07:15 Crew practice
07:35-08:30 History of the Military Art (HI301)
08:40-09:35 International Relations (SS307)
09:35-10:50 Off
10:50-11:45 Fitness Leader II(PE311)
12:05-12:30 Lunch formation/lunch
12:45-1:40 Deans/Comms hour
1:50-2:45 Tennis(PE444)
2:55 - 3:50 Data Structures(CS384)
4:00-6:00 Crew Practice/work out
6:00-7:00 Dinner
7:00-11:30 Study/Thinking about studying but not studying
11:30 TAPS/still studying or thinking about studying but not

Day 2:

05:15 wake up
05:40-07:15 Crew practice
07:35-08:30 Off
08:40-09:35 Introduction to Discrete Math(MA372)
09:35-10:50 Digital Computer Logic(EE360)
10:50-11:45 Advanced Composition(EN302)
12:05-12:30 Lunch formation/lunch
12:45-1:40 Deans/Comms hour
1:50-2:45 Off
2:55 - 3:50 Small Unit Leadership(MS301)
4:00-6:00 Crew Practice/work out
6:00-7:00 Dinner
7:00-11:30 Study/Thinking about studying but not studying
11:30 TAPS/still studying or thinking about studying but not

It's going to be a fun semester...

The new cadets have been here for 3 days now and their smell is starting to fade alittle, but it's still pretty bad during duties. I remember when I was a new cadet how sweaty and gross I was all the time. Thankfully that changes as you get used to life here and adjusted to the stress level, or in my case lack there of this year. While Alyson toils away at the computer working on excel spreadsheets for CCQ and CDO rosters, I sit around and do practically nothing. I asked to be a PSG, but instead I got Activites SGT. My big things of the week are collecting orders and money from the firsties for thier corsages for ring weekend, planning a small after affermation party for my class on Sunday night, and ordering company shirts and hats. Not quite the leadership role I had envisioned. This summer I found that I really liked being a squad leader. As to avoid being a complete bum now I try and do my share at duties. Last year I would only stop new cadets to tell them to drink water. This year I actually ask them knowledge. The hardest part for me is keeping a straight face and looking mean. I always want to smile. I'm getting better at it though. The events of this summer helped a lot.

The new cadets march back today. I haven't heard very good things about the class of '07. In a few more hours I'll find out if they are true.

My summer was pretty good. I really liked New Mexico. It's so different from Michigan and New York. It's hot, but not humid, the landscape is awesome, but very open. I saw my first sunrise the day I was leaving. It was awesome. My tolerance for spicy food has increased a ton. When I was at home my mom would give me funny looks when I dumped hot sauce on my plate. I haven't decided if I like red or green chili better. They both are good.

Crew starts again next Tuesday. We didn't get corps squad status because the football team paid their way out of the patriot league and so there wasn't money left for us. We are however allowed to have morning practices now. I'm really looking forward to everything starting.

20.5 credits again this semester. First round looks like the hardest one because I have tennis and cow fitness then. After that I only have my regular academic classes. This looks like a tough semester with Mil Art, IR, and composition all together. Hopefully next semester I'll have a little easier load.

I've been contemplating if I should continue writing in here. I have other things to do and other outlets now. I'll probably still continue, but not as often.

Leah reminded me today that God never gives you more than you can handle. I guess I should be happy that God trusts I can handle this much, but I must admit that it really sucks. However, I'll survive. I learned a good lesson, listen to you're gut instinct. When it tells you that someone isn't right for you, that something just isnt' right, when your friends say someone is a jerk, perhaps you should listen.

New Mexico has been hot...as in the weather. It's in the high 90's every day, but the saving factor is that there is practically no humidity. Besides, I spend most of the time inside in air conditioning doing work, or at least trying to do work. So far it's been pretty boring. On Wednesday I drove to Santa Fe for lunch. It's a nice city, but since I was alone and had never been there I had no idea what to do and so I walked around a bit and then drove the long way back to Albuquerque. During lunch I called Misha and we talked for a bit. This morning he IM'd me and gave me the name and phone number of one of his sister's friends who is doing an intership here for the summer so that hopefully we can hang out. It's rather boring here since I don't know anybody. Tonight I drove around trying to find the best gas price in the city, watch the sun set, and called some of my friends.

I went to the doctor today and found out that I actually have a double ear infection. Now I'm on antibiotics and ear drops, plus I'm taking lots of sudafed. What a wonderfull stay at home.

Actually it hasn't been that bad. Today I played laser tag with Steph. She invited me along to play with a bunch of Air Force people. It was really fun. Better than the MILES gear. Other than that I've been able to go out with a bunch of my friends. I was supposed to go to Cedar Point on Wednesday, but that ended up not working out at the last minute. I didn't minda that much about not going to Cedar Point since roller coasters are starting to not be as exciting to me, but I was kinda sad that I wouldn't get to hang out with Leah. I won't get to see her untill school starts.

Good news on the car front. I was able to reserve one today with enterprise. It's going to cost a lot, but I'll think it'll be worth it when I'm in New Mexico.

I feel like such a wimp right now. My ear really hurts. My dreams are even about my ear hurting, or at least have that in them. It's probably just a stupid ear infection or something, but I won't know until tomorrow at 11am when I have a doctors appointment. Argh.

I wish I were 21 so that I could rent a car when I'm in NM.

Once again I'm back home for 6 days. Buckner was an awesome experiance. I don't think I could've asked for a better detail. The cadre in my platoon were great, my squad was fantastic, and the training was excellent. I learned a lot and grew a lot over the past month. Being a squad leader was challenging to say the least, but the rewards make it all worth it. Seeing my squad work together, cheer each other on, tough it out, and push themselves to the limit more than made up for the lack of sleep and stress level I had to deal with. The best times were in fact the times when I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep or less that night and was running around trying to work for my squad. It was then that I felt I was actually doing something and making a difference. I'd change a few things if I could go back and do it over again, but that just shows me that I've taken away some learning points for the future. It's nice to have a break, but I also wish I could see how my squad fares with second detail. I know that they are going to improve even more and really excell this detail. Right now they may not be looking forward to infantry week, but I believe they'll come out of it with a really positive attitude and more cohesion. Crehan, Dahman, Ehlers, Fazio, Friters, Hughes, Klingensmith, McDonald, Obringer, Robinson, and White...thanks. You guys are great.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which means that today is Fat Tuesday. I didn't even realize that until this morning when I was sitting at my desk pretending to read the newspaper but actually hiding behind it and sleeping.

AAAAAH! I just found out that I still have Air Assualt this summer. I guess that means I really have to start working out. Why didn't Ari tell me that I still had it? He said he gave it away. Crap.

Back to Buckner I go, but this time as a squad leader. I'll be back July 12 or 13, depending on when my flight gets back.

I'm kinda nervous about seeing Josh again and I have no clue why. He called today finally, but only to find out when the last day of Buckner was for us. Ah well. That's life. This week has given me a lot to think about, and a lot of time to do it. I was talking to Misha last night about some stuff and he said that I was growing up. Smart guy.

I kinda take back what I said about not giving people second chances. I do, but experiance has taught me that it most likely will never be the same and so I no longer expect the relationship to be the same. Matt and I talked a little at Church today. He was suprised to find out that I was leaving Monday because he thought that I was in town for a few weeks. After we talked he asked if we were bud's again. I couldn't really answer that question. We never stopped being friends, but we definetly drifted apart. I do miss him, but some things changed in that time that we didn't talk a lot. Perhaps I will write to him again this summer. Right now it's either Stephanie, him, or my new journal. Maybe a mixture of all three. I just need one person/journal that I can write to/in about everything.

Anyway, I should get to bed. APFT on Tuesday morning. Pray for me.

There's a tornado warning, but it's for livingston county and not my county. A big thunderstorm would be nice. I like those.

One more thing I was thinking about this evening. Hopefully this will be quick so that I can get to bed. Josh has told me before that he doesn't give people second chances. When he told me that I didn't think it was a very good idea and thought that people have a right to a second chance, but then tonight I was thinking about it some more and realized that in a way I do that too. I can think of two times that it has happend that really stick out. One was the summer going into Senior year when I was in Trinidad and the other was just this past Christmas. Both time invovleved guys that I considered to be practically a brother. I guess the best way to describe it is that when I needed them the most they weren't there. After that things were never the same.

Someone just called. It's 2:43am. Who calls at 2:43am? I have no idea who it was because my parents answered the phone. Probably a wrong number.

This evening Becki and I went out for coffee and walked around downtown. When we were going back to the car we reached the top of the stairs of the parking structure and Becki opened the door and Andrew S. walked through it. I was so suprised to see him that as I went through the door I ran into Becki and almost tripped her when I stepped on her flip-flop. He looked exactly the same as he had in high school. After the door shut I stammered to Becki "that...that was Andrew." For the life of me I couldn't remember his last name and that annoyed me so much that I coulndn't stop thinking and trying to figure it out until I was on my way home from Becki's house and it suddenly popped in my head. I'm not sure if he recognized me, but I'm guessing he did. We passed by each other without saying hi or anything and I tried not to show any suprise on my face, but I've learned that what I'm feeling shows through no matter how hard I try to keep a poker face. Hard to believe that it was 5 years ago already. He is on the list of my top crushes that I've had in my life. I started liking him at the end of freshman year of high school. Sophmore year we became good friends and he liked me for awhile and asked me out, but I said no. I had the bad luck of liking guys when they didn't like me and not liking them when they did like me. I later started liking him again, but he was intersted in someone else by then. We remained good friends until late fall of junior year when for some reason we just drifted apart and never really talked after that.

Thinking about Andrew made me think of the list of the biggest crushes I've had. Of course there were lots of small ones, but these are the major. Mike, Mark, Frank, Andrew, Ryan, Matt. I don't know why I stopped the list there and why Jake and Eric aren't on it. I dated Jake and I really liked Eric, but they just dont' seem to fit in the list. I guess it's because they were turning points and with them my thinking had slowly started to change. As I said before, I organize things in lines in my head and that is why I have this list. It's a timeline.

When I was in elementry school I usually got a new pair of sneakers at the beginning of the school year that would last me until the next one. I loved getting new shoes and wanted to wear them as soon as I got them, but my mom wouldn't let me wear them until the first day of school. That made the first day of school all the more special and I looked forward to it because in the morning I got to put on my new shoes and wear them around for the first time. Then one year I got a new pair, and perhaps it was because she was so tired of listening to my pleas to wear my new shoes, but my mom let me start wearing them a few days before school started. Of course it still felt great to wear them, but the first day of school was different. I woke up the moringing hoping that somehow during the night the shoes had magically turned new again and that I hadn't worn them at all. I wanted that feeling of excitment and anticipation back about being able to wear them for the first time, but my hopes were in vain. I had already worn my shoes and nothing could change that. They still looked new and clean, and I think I even had them packaged up in the box, but it wasn't the same. I was somewhat dissapointed that day and felt that I had cheated myself out of something better by giving in early.

I think that little experiance ended up having a profound impact on my way of thinking. Waiting can be hard, but don't give in and cheat yourself out of something better or end up being dissapointed later on. The best things aren't those that come from instant gratification.

Not much is new in my life. Right now I'm over at Becki's house using her computer to post this. It's great to see her again. I'm glad that she's is back from Ireland and that I get to hang out with her. The keyboard is different and so I'm having a bit of trouble typing. The backspace key is in a different position and so I keep hitting the backslash key instead of the backspace key. Oh well. It's better than nothing. I think i'm getting the hang of it now. This afternoon we went shopping and I got two new shirts from Old Navy. Usually I can't find anything that I like there.

I haven't talked to Josh since Friday. I wonder if we'll talk at all this week.