Good news, we didn't have to go out on the water today because the weather was horrid, the current was really fast, and there were white caps. Instead, we rowed in the tanks for 30 min and then had to pull a 6k on the erg. Coach Hall said that we didn't have to row it very hard or try to get our best time and so I was planning to take at easy. That didn't last long for me. Actually, I was more focused on correcting my technique and so I had flipped down the timer thing, but then when I looked at it I realized I was doing pretty well and so I tried even harder to do better and ended up getting my best time. It was only a 25:58.9 min, but it was I think at least 10 seconds better than my last one and my goal had been to break 26 min. Now if I could only break 8 min on the 2k. I pulled one yesterday before practice and my time was back up to a 8:03.6 min.

I got my math wpr back today. Yesterday I found out I got an 85.33% on it, which was above the 72% course average and 80% section average, but I know I could've done better. When I got it back I looked at one of the problems that I had blanked on during the test and did it in about 2 sec. Augh! It's very annoying knowing that if I had just set the y-portion of the velocity vector equal to zero and then solved for time and the substitued the time into the x-portion of the position vector I could've solved it correctly and gotten an A- on the wpr instead of a B.

Tonight I called Frank and was going to shine my shoes while talking on the phone, but he wasn't home. My shoes needed shining and so I decided to listen to some Adventures in Odyssey. In middle school I used to borrow the tapes from Amy and loved listening to them, but haven't listened to the show in years. It was interesting hearing it again, but I enjoyed it a lot more when I was younger. I do have two pairs of really shiny low quarters now :)

Yet another cold, grey, rainy day here, and the real grey period hasn't even started yet. The grey period lasts from Christmas to spring break. Grey sky, river, buildings, uniforms, snow,etc...everything is grey, including the mood. I guess this is a mini grey period that lasts until Thanksgiving. Of course, the plebes have Plebe Parent Weekend to look forward to in a few days. After Thanksgiving it'll be awesome. The week we come back is Army-Navy week which is the best week here practically (well, besides TEE week, which is fun in a whole different way). There are drop zones, BDU's all week, beating up the midshipman (hehehe, there's one in my company this year), and then the game on Saturday. The week after that is the last week of classes, which will probably be full of projects and papers, but at least the end is near. After that week is TEE week. My first TEE is on Saturday, and then I have one TEE in the afternoon on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday I have my last TEE in the morning. TEE week is cool because nobody cares about anything military. Rooms are a mess, you can sleep half the day if you want to because the only required things are breakfast formation and taking your TEE, and then at night everybody hangs out there windows yelling and throwing the occasional textbook, printer, or other such things out while watching whatever stunts are going on in the area. It's a fun time, all except for the part where you have to take a three hour term end exam. Of course, there's a nasty rumor going around the the Comm is madating that nobody can leave untill the next day after their last TEE, and it looks like it's true. The Corps is in a uproar about it. Anyway, if I can last untill Thanksgiving everything will be okay. Luckily I have Boston this weekend, my birthday next week, a regatta for the next two weekends after that, Airforce week, and Veterans Day weekend to help me pass the time. I've been staring at my calander a lot in class thinking about all of this stuff over and over again.

My philosophy professor nominated two other students and myself from his sections for a chance to attend a dinner with Dr. Jan Narveson---a famous ethicist who has written much on just war theory. Later that evening he'll be giving a lecture to all of the PY201 students. Dr. Tramel said that he selected us based on our writing and/or discussion performance. I have no idea why he nomitated me. I hardley speak at all in class, and on the in class essay I recieved a B++ (no, I don't understand what the extra '+' is for). Kinda odd.

That was a vey whiny post. Time to look on the bright side. Some people are not as lucky as me. I have an awesome family, great friends, and go to a really good school. My tiny complaints don't compare to what a lot of people have to deal with everyday. Now time for homework and possibly email Frank. Back to work.

My birthday is a week from tomorrow. When I was little I got really excited about my birthday and celebrating it with my family. Now I don't know if I will ever have a real birthday celebration with my family again. Junior year I was in Washington DC for the National Youth Leadership Forum on my Birthday. Last year PPW was the weekend before my birthday so I at least got to see my Parents and Heidi the day before, but my actual birthday was spent with me eating the brownies with my roomies. This year won't be any better. I miss having a birthday dinner with my family. I'm trying to keep my Birthday quiet so that the plebes don't throw me a birthday party. That is when they drag you out of your room, tie you up and and pour things such as jelly, ketchup, peanut butter, A1 sauce, and hot sauce all over you. It must really suck to be on the recieving end. What'd be cool though is a cake or decorated cookie and balloons from Love a Cadet. Hmm, perhaps I'll hint to my parents about it.

Anyway, I'm thinking about my b-day because recently I was thinking about what I really wanted for my b-day, kinda like I did when I was a kid. What I asked my parents for is a Sonicare tooth brush. I asked for one because it would help my teeth a lot and it's too expensive for me to buy on my own. I want one, but a part of me kinda wishs that I could get a remote control car instead. It'd be really fun to drive up and down the halls and harrass some of my classmates, and perhaps chase a few plebes down the hall. I didn't ask for one because it's not what I need, it's only a cool expensive toy. The toothbrush makes a lot more sense. My dream list of things also includes the dvd Monsters Inc. I haven't seen it, but I've heard from a lot of people that it's really funny. Oh well, I need clean teeth much more than I need a remote control car so that is what I'm asking for. Maybe for Christmas or something I'll ask for the car and the movie, but by then I'll probably have thought of some other stuff that I need.

I miss celebrating holidays with my family. At least I got to see my Mom on her birthday and give her a card. I missed Easter with my sisters, my Dad's 50th Birthday, Betsy's 21st b-day, Heidi's 23 b-day, and the 4th of July. At least I get to be with them on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Right now I want to go for a walk around West Point with a friend. Perhaps go to Trophy Point and admire the view. One problem. No friend to go with. Sure, I could go by myself, but that isn't as fun. I like going on walks and talking with a friend discussing anything and everything or nothing. It's peaceful.

This morning I woke up around 10, read The Long Gray Line for about an hour and then got up and took a shower. Jaz and I went to lunch at 11:45 and then I came back and started watching a dvd while pretending to do homework. Midway through the dvd I realized that I wasn't paying attention to it and that I wan't getting any work done either and so I went back to bed. I got up around 5 and then watched some tv and tried to do some more homework. Leah and I went to dinner at 6:15 and now I am back here sitting at my computer. A day basically wasted.

Last night Bryon and this guy in my philosophy class stopped by to see Tara because they all went to the prep school last year. Bryon was in my swimming class last year and we became friends. Then, at Buckner stuff got weird between us. At first it was like we both liked each other and we hung out a lot, and then midway through Buckner we both started ignoring each other. Anyway, he walked into the room last night and there was the kinda weird pause with both of us and then we said "hi" and again proceeded to ignore each other. I saw both of them again at dinner because they were a few tables over. His friend noticed me and motioned hi. Later I walked past their table because Molly and Ann were sitting at the table right next to them and when I passed Bryon said hi to me. Does this story have a point. No. Am I telling it for any reason. No. It's just a random event in my life, and not a very big one at that.

Amaka stopped by around midnight to say hi and while we were talking I heard a bunch of noise outside in the hallway. We went to go see what was going on and found four of the guys in my company trying to duck tape a laundry cart to my door. It was pretty funny and broke up the boredom. When I asked them about it a few minutes later they claimed to know nothing about the whole thing.

Tomorrow/ this morning I can sleep in for as long as I want. I don't remember the last time I was able to do that, or know when the next time I will be able to do that. Knowing how I function I probably won't be able to sleep in very late. When I have to get up at a certain time, no matter how late, I always want to sleep later, but when I don't have to get up I always end up waking up earlier and am not able to sleep any more. Oh well, it's the thought that counts.

I need to start spending more time developing Bowlby. I'm definatly slacking militarly right now. Last year at this time I was all hooah about being squared away and even had a board for a PPW position because I was doing so well. This year feels like the exact opposite; like I'm trying to cut corners and do the bare minimum. Crap, uniform switch goes Tuesday. I need to get out my long sleeve AFC and get it ready.

Tomorrow / today I need to spend doing homework. I have a spanish lab Tuesday, and econ problem set due Wednesday, a econ lab and calc quiz onThursday, and a phaseline writ in physics on Friday. At least Friday is a compressed scheduale with classes starting at 6:30am and ending at 11:30am for PPW. Then I'm off to Boston.

Time to read and sleep. Yay! sleep. Sleep is good. I like sleep. I have a few friends who should also get some sleep. Go to Bed!

My brain is fried. Today I went to Church, came back, watched 1.5 dvd's, slept for about and hour, watched more tv, talked to Matt, and then watched another dvd while doing my econ problem set. I've watched way too much tv today.

Right now I kinda wish that I liked a guy or that a guy liked me. Life goes a lot smoother when that's not the case, but just talking to a few of my friends recently has made me miss the excitement and everything. Mr. Right will come around eventually, but that just seems so far away. Maybe I already know him, maybe not. Who knows. Enough about guys.

I really want to live in Texas. Okay, so I've never been there, but some of my friends from Texas that go here have just about convinced me of what a great state it is. There is just something about them. I think it'd be cool to at least visit Texas sometime. I also dream of living in Washington DC, Philadelphia, and Michigan. Just a few things in my dreams of the future.
See, I dream of doing the whole career thing in Washington DC or Philly, and then raising a family in Texas or Michigan. There of course is my military career somewhere in there. Basically, I have no clue about my future. Luckily I don't have to worry about that because everything will work out in time and probably be nothing like I imagine it. Funny how that works.

YAY! No school Monday. This rocks. I have Sunday and Monday to totally relax and sleep. The only things on my scheduale are Church and sleep. Perhaps a little homework in there.

The Navy Day regatta was fun today. My boat finished in the top three quarters of our race and the varsity women's eight A boat came in 2nd in their race. I'm not sure how the other varsity boat did. I called home twice today and talked to Heidi, Mom, and Dad. I called Betsy a couple times, but as usual she wasn't there so I left a message. Later I called Matt, but he wasn't home either. When his mom answered the phone my cell phone faded out on my end and so I guess we both ended up talking at the same time. Oops. I called Frank, but he was eating dinner and so he called me back a while later and we had a nice conversation. We've started talking regularly again which is cool.

8 Seconds really is a great cowboy movie. I may even watch it again tomorrow.

It's been a long day. Time for bed.

AUGH! My computer is stupid. I don't have enough free memory in my C drive and I don't know what to do. For the past hour I've been looking through it for files that I can either get rid of or move to my D drive, but now I can't seem to find anymore and I still don't have enough memory. Das ist poopy.

Rain rain go away. Come again...never mind. stay.

I went to the health clinic today only to find out that it's closed. I guess they wanted to give the people there a holiday. Bowlby got punched in the nose yesterday during boxing and they told him to go to sick call this morning to get his nose looked at and possibly x-rayed.

To many old grad's running around. Because of them we're in As for Class today instead of BDU's. This morning I was lying in bed after my alarm went off and thinking how great it was because we're in BDU's and that just makes life a little easier. Then, I saw Alyson getting ready and she had on AFC and told me they had changed the uniform. Now if I go outside I'll smell like wet dog because of my wool pants. Stupid old grads. And what's up with us having to salute them even though their not in uniform and probably not even in the military anymore. Just cuz 1,000,000 years ago they graduated from this place and are here for a visit to tell us how much the "Corps Has".

Yes, I am being bitter right now. I think I'll stop now.
Happy thought: I have a cowboy hat.

The motivation to study has decreased even further. I'm so glad tomorrow is friday. I'm thinking about going to sick call tomorrow mornign to have my neck checked out, but I don't know if it's worth it since it'd probably nothing and would be a waste of time. This weekend I have a race on Saturday and then have Sunday and Monday off. That is so cool. My plan is to sleep, watch some dvd's, sleep, hang out with friends, sleep, relax, sleep... Perhaps I'll get around to watching the movie 8 Seconds. James says that it's the best cowboy movie ever and that I have to see it. I want to see if I agree.

The theme for dinner tonight was Homecoming and so Alyson and I both dressed up. I wore the dress I wore to prom senior year. It was nice to get all dressed up again and everything, but once I stepped out into the hall and had to face everbody else in the company I became really self concious and shy. It probably seems like I'm snobbish or don't want to talk to the people in my company, but it's really that I'm shy and when I am out of my comfert zone I become very quiet.

Yesterday Berry was attacked by a dog while my mom took her for a walk. She was rushed to the vet and it's really scary how close she was to dying. I don't even want to think about it because I'm not sure I can handle it. She's doing a little better now, but is all bandaged up and does not have a lot of energy. My poor dog. I'm so glad that she survived. I wish that I could go home and see her.

Candy corn is addictive. Yummy. I really want a caramel apple sometime this fall.

This afternoon before practice I was outside on the observation deck of the boathouse with my shoes and socks off doing stretches I learned yesterday. I was lying down with my eyes closed and slowly getitng up when I heard the door open and someone come outside. I turned around and saw the Sup and his entourage being escorted by Coach Hall. Needless to say, I was suprised and got to my feet and saluted and then stood at attention while he came over and looked at the view. It's not everyday that I have a three star general asking me questions while I stand there with no shoes and socks on and try my best to look good. It was rather embarrasing.

For practice today we rowed to north to an island that you can hardly see from West Point because it's so far away. The row down wasn't too bad, but by the time we reached the island we were all realy tired, cold, and soaking wet. On the island is an awesome mansion that is really overgrown and cool looking. It reminded me of the place the lady lived in in the book Great Expectations. The interior was made with wood from ships in the Spanish American war. Unfortunatly the wood had a lot of gun powder in it and ended up blowing up and destroying the interior of the mansion. The outside walls still remain and have a ghostly effect. Coach wanted us to row around the island, but it was getting dark, we were tired, and we still had another 45 min of rowing back so he decided we didn't have to row around it and could just turn around at the side of it.
The way back I got really cold and was really scared of tipping over. I've never gotten scared before, but today I got really nervous and had to keep telling myself to relax and trust my teammates. In order to take my mind off of the things that were bugging me I started to sing some praise songs in my head. Soon my mind was off the cold and the fear I was I concentrating on praising God. It made the row back a lot faster for me and I wasn't very cold anymore. We got back and I was soaking wet and the temp was probably in the 60's. I took a nice hot shower and Coach Hall ordered pizza's for the team. I guess practice was pretty good today.

I think I just scared my mom. This afternoon I found a lump on my neck which I am assuming is a swollen lymoh node. Normally this wouldn't bother me at all because I feel fine and I bet it'll be gone tomorrow or something, but there is that family history in there. Anyway, I had both Alyson and Amaka check it out and they both asked if I had a swollen lymph node so I called home to see what my mom had to say about them. My guess, as well as hers, is that it's something minor and that I should just check it every 4 or 5 days. Right now it feel about the size of a pea, maybe a little bigger. I guess I'll see how it's doing in a few days.

I am so happy right now. I just talked to Steph on IM and she told me that she's started going to Holy Trinity and that she had a long talk with Mark G. and is becoming friends with SR. Sarah (formerly Ms. Burdick). That just made my day. I am so so so happy for her. She wants to join the Air Force and I think it would be a really good opportunity for her adn that she'd really enjoy it. I hope everything works out. YAY! Kate = happy.

Today was the first regatta of the season. Army had three boats come in first. Mine finished 10th out of 25. It was a really good race, we just need to work on our slide controll. I love the spring season a ton, but I don't get half as nervous in the fall as I do in the spring at the beginning of a race. In the spring I feel like puking and have tons of butterflies in my stomach where as in the fall I'm much more relaxed and focused on the long hard row ahead. They are very different types of races.

On the trip back I called home again and talked to my parents and caught up with them. Later on I called Frank and we talked for a while. The two times I've called him recently have probably been the most inoppertune times. Once he was watching a movie with his family and then tonight he was about to eat dessert with them. He doesn't tell me these things untill we've talked for about 20 min and then I feel bad for interrupting. Next time I'll have to start off the converstation by asking him if I'm interrupting something. I guess that's what I should do all the time because it's polite. Me and my bad manners.

This weekend I was in Massachusetts, next weekend I head to Philly, and then the weekend after that I'm going to Boston. Fun stuff. Leah invited me to NYC next weekend after the race because our race is only a one day event on Saturday and we have Sunday and Monday off for Columbus Day. I said that I wanted to go, but now that I think about it I don't think I should because it would cost a lot of money and I need to start saving more. If only money grew on trees.

Yay! I talked to Frank tonight. I haven't talked to him in over a month. Today I got a mass email from him and that reminded me that we haven't spoken in a while and so I called him tonight and we talked for a bit. It was great talking to him again.

How did I get here? Where am I going? Who am I?

age: 18 almost 19
gender: female
where I'm from: That one State
schools: preschool, safety town, elementry school, middle school, high school, West Point
likes: chocolate, sleep, hanging out with friends, going home, guys, my teddy bear, my family, Berry, relaxing, math, computers, getting out of here often, not being a plebe, interesting military and government stuff, order, West Point, Church, Christmas, birthdays, holidays, crew, pizza, civilian clothes, happy memories, acheiving goals, my cowboy hat, sunsets, going on walks and talking with a friend, creed, fall, jumping in piles of leaves, feeling like i'm a part of something, hot chocolate, frozen custard,
dislikes: parades/drill, SAMI, WPR's, TACs, Regimental/ Brigade runs, being brainwashed, APFT's, no sleep, lots of stress, getting in trouble, being introverted, white chocolate, chocolate icecream, being a new cadet/plebe, lots of homework, feeling alone, haveing to go back to school after a break, santana, 2k's, running, tools, slackers, complaining a lot, smooth jazz, infantry, long boring breifings, abortion, broccoli, english papers, spending a long time at a range,
Goals: graduate from West Point, work for the NSA or something, be happy with my life, marry a man I love and who loves me, tab the APFT, at some point in my life never have to take another PT test, never smoke, not drink untill I'm 21, wait until marrige,
Important things: Jesus, family, friends, country, school, sleep,
favorite quote: "All your base are belong to us" j/k :)

I'm still in the process of figureing out who I am.

Happy Birthday Matt! You are old.

Today I forgot my calculator and binder in philosophy class right before lunch. I realized that after lunch around around 1:30. After practice I went back to the classroom and got a janitor I know to unlock the room for me. Just as I expected my stuff was still there. My binder was on a desk with another binder and my claculator was in my pencil bag displayed in the front of the classroom where it was very visible so that I could find it. That's one of the things I love about this place and it's one of the reasons I came here. Somebody could have very easily run off with my calculator, but it was still there six hours later when I finally got around to getting it.

79 days untill Christmas leave :) For spring break the womens crew team is going to Virginia Beach again. I had an awesome time last year and would not have any problem at all with going back, except for the fact that spring break is two weeks earlier this year and there's a good chance that it'll be really cold. My Mom asked if it'd be okay if her and dad came up again and I said I thought that'd be okay.

My senior year of high school and then a little last year I had a hard time spending a lot of time and talking with my parents. Senior year I was nervous about coming here and everytime I talked to them I was reminded of just how soon and how different everything would be. I just wanted to forget everything and go have fun with my friends and not think about how my whole life was about to change in a short while. Then, I got here and survived the pressures of the first summer and was really happy to see my parents again on acceptance day, but in the back of my mind there was still the constant dread of having to go back and face all the upperclassmen in a few hours. Plus, my parents, rightfully so, had tons of questions and I was frustrated at either not knowing the answers to them or having to answer them over and over again. It still bothers when they ask a question and I don't know the answer because this place has brainwashed me into thinking that I always need to know the answer and so if I can't answer a question I feel like I'm failing in some way. It's stupid. My parents, Heidi, and Matt came up for Plebe Parent weekend. I had an awesome time that weekend, but it was also really hard because I was struggling a lot with my attitude towards my parents. They would talk to other people and tell them about how they have a daughter at West Point because they are proud of me, but at that point I took it as them using me to elavate themselves and I wasn't sure that they would still be proud of me and treat me the same if something happend and I decided to leave West Point. Matt was awesome that weekend and we talked a lot and he helped me a ton. Looking back on it I realize that I was taking everything that my parents were doing and saying the wrong way and I think that Matt realized that and was trying to show me that, but I was so full of millions of emotions and didn't understand it. There was just so much going on on every level that weekend with me. I'm still sorting it out. I must say that I can't ask for a better friend/brother than Matt. I am sorry, however, that I didn't get to spend a lot of time with Heidi. Over the past year my relationship with my parents has steadily improved. Once again I really like spending time with my parents and talking to them about what's going on in my life. I wish I could spend more time with them. Perhaps it's odd for a teenager, but I wanted to spend every moment with them when they were up here two weekends ago. I choose going out with my parents over going out with my friends. I can go out with my friends another time, but I only see my parents every few months. I love my family a ton.

Tomorrow is Matt's birthday. Today I was in the bookstore and looked for a card to send him to get back at him for the one he gave me last year. I don't remember what the card said exactly, but it was something about me being old and I think it had a punch-out bingo or tic tac toe game. I only had a few minutes today and didn't find the perfect one so I'll probably go again tomorrow. I also have to find a card to send my Grandma. I haven't written her in a while.

Secrets, secrets are not fun. Secrets, secrests hurt someone. How many times have I heard that since elementry school? Most often it was said by someone watching two people whispering something to each other and they wanted to know what the people were saying. What happens when you keep the secret hidden within yourself and it's you that it's hurting? Annah and Tia invited me to their Bible Study this evening after practice and I decided to go. I must admit that I didn't really go for the Bible Study, but instead for the food because everyone else had already gone to dinner and I didn't want to go by myslef. Now I'm really glad that they invited me and that I went, not because of the really yummy food, but because I found the Bible Study really interesting and thought provoking.

The topic today was fear, most importantly what secrets we have hidden within ourselves and our afraid to share. The passage referenced was Matthew 10:26-28;
"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in dark, speak in the daylight: what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell."
I have things that I don't want anybody to know. Things I've done, thought, allowed to be done, etc. I feel the same as one of the girls who said that she would rather disappear than tell somebody about them. Everybody has something in their life like this. As with most people, I'm scared that if I did tell someone that they would then be dissapointed in me, act differently towards me, judge me, not be my friend, etc. A true friend would not do this, but Satan places a fear in me that says that people would do those things if they found about about what I've done. Some of the people I respect the most are those who were able to overcome their fear, confess their sins, ask for forgivness and recieved and accepted God's grace. They openly talk about what they did and I repsect that because it takes a lot of courage, more than I think I have at the moment. Because they can share their experiance it draws people closer to them because they seem more human and are not trying to put on an act of being perfect.

Confessing the things to God and asking for forgivness it good and rightous, but speaking them outloud to another person seems to lift the weight off my shoulders. I would like to confess some things to a friend to get ease the burden of carrying them around inside of me, but I think I'd only be comfertable doing that if we both were sharing things with each other. That takes out a lot of the fear of them judging me because we would both be making ourselves vulnerable at the same time. The heaviest burden is the one that you make yourself carry around.

Today was one of those days were I felt rather lonely and wondered if my friends find me annoying and odd. What if they think that for some reason I think I'm better then them or something. That's totally not true, actually, it's the opposite. I wish I could be more like my friends. More outgoing, talkative, a better listener, etc. Most of my life I've had groups of really close friends, but no best friends. Within those groups of friends there were people who were best friends and watching them be so close made me wish that I had a best friend or was their best friend. Do I really have the ability to make someone feel special?

Scott, Adam, and Huff were rather suprised today when i asked them about a Bible verse I read last night, especially when I had a Bible with me to show them the verse. They thought it was rather odd, but the verse disturbed me and I needed to talk to someone about it. Scott was pretty helpfull and I feel a little better now, but need more information. I think the verse it 1 Corinthians 14:34. Maybe it's chapter 13. Anyway, it's about women not being allowed to talk in Church.