Tonights the big night where my classmates and I sign our lives away to the Army for the next 7 years. I wasn't at all nervous untill this afternoon. Now I'm a tiny bit nervous just because it's the real thing. I've never doubted that this is where I'm meant to be and where I'd be happiest. Still, I'm a bit nervous. There's no saftey net after this.

Why have I lost about half of my archived posts? Anyone know?

Drill again today. The A-day parade is tomorrow right after the brigade run. Everyone's wondering how many people will faint during the parade because of dehydration. It's so hot and pretty humid. Yesterday I saw a guy in the company right next to mine take a knee. Nobody fell over though, although I heard that the new cadet right behind me looked pretty close at one point. Thankfully the upperclassmen were at rest and so I turned around and told him to drink some water.

Today at the cow's supe briefing he put of the picture that had me in it from R-day. He must really like that picture becaused he used it last winter in a different briefing. I cringed, ducked down in my seat and tried to hide, but that was pretty hard with all of my friends around me laughing and pointing right at me. There's nothing like having a bad picture of yourself shown on a huge screen in front of 1000 of your friends and classmates.

Yesterday the power went out here from 4:10-9:20pm. I guess it was out over a lot of the east. When I called home they didnt' have power there either, and still didn't this morning. My parents are supposed to come up to West Point tomorrow so that they can see the affermation ceremony on Sunday, but that will only happen if power is back on there and in the states they have to travel through.

I bought Absolutely American at the bookstore right now and just started reading it even though I'm not even halfway finished with The Long Grey Line. I start reading a ton of books, but hardley ever finish any of them because I move onto a new, more exciting one. Right now I have 5 books on my bookshelf that I started reading but haven't finished.

Day 1:

05:15 wake up
05:40-07:15 Crew practice
07:35-08:30 History of the Military Art (HI301)
08:40-09:35 International Relations (SS307)
09:35-10:50 Off
10:50-11:45 Fitness Leader II(PE311)
12:05-12:30 Lunch formation/lunch
12:45-1:40 Deans/Comms hour
1:50-2:45 Tennis(PE444)
2:55 - 3:50 Data Structures(CS384)
4:00-6:00 Crew Practice/work out
6:00-7:00 Dinner
7:00-11:30 Study/Thinking about studying but not studying
11:30 TAPS/still studying or thinking about studying but not

Day 2:

05:15 wake up
05:40-07:15 Crew practice
07:35-08:30 Off
08:40-09:35 Introduction to Discrete Math(MA372)
09:35-10:50 Digital Computer Logic(EE360)
10:50-11:45 Advanced Composition(EN302)
12:05-12:30 Lunch formation/lunch
12:45-1:40 Deans/Comms hour
1:50-2:45 Off
2:55 - 3:50 Small Unit Leadership(MS301)
4:00-6:00 Crew Practice/work out
6:00-7:00 Dinner
7:00-11:30 Study/Thinking about studying but not studying
11:30 TAPS/still studying or thinking about studying but not

It's going to be a fun semester...

The new cadets have been here for 3 days now and their smell is starting to fade alittle, but it's still pretty bad during duties. I remember when I was a new cadet how sweaty and gross I was all the time. Thankfully that changes as you get used to life here and adjusted to the stress level, or in my case lack there of this year. While Alyson toils away at the computer working on excel spreadsheets for CCQ and CDO rosters, I sit around and do practically nothing. I asked to be a PSG, but instead I got Activites SGT. My big things of the week are collecting orders and money from the firsties for thier corsages for ring weekend, planning a small after affermation party for my class on Sunday night, and ordering company shirts and hats. Not quite the leadership role I had envisioned. This summer I found that I really liked being a squad leader. As to avoid being a complete bum now I try and do my share at duties. Last year I would only stop new cadets to tell them to drink water. This year I actually ask them knowledge. The hardest part for me is keeping a straight face and looking mean. I always want to smile. I'm getting better at it though. The events of this summer helped a lot.

The new cadets march back today. I haven't heard very good things about the class of '07. In a few more hours I'll find out if they are true.

My summer was pretty good. I really liked New Mexico. It's so different from Michigan and New York. It's hot, but not humid, the landscape is awesome, but very open. I saw my first sunrise the day I was leaving. It was awesome. My tolerance for spicy food has increased a ton. When I was at home my mom would give me funny looks when I dumped hot sauce on my plate. I haven't decided if I like red or green chili better. They both are good.

Crew starts again next Tuesday. We didn't get corps squad status because the football team paid their way out of the patriot league and so there wasn't money left for us. We are however allowed to have morning practices now. I'm really looking forward to everything starting.

20.5 credits again this semester. First round looks like the hardest one because I have tennis and cow fitness then. After that I only have my regular academic classes. This looks like a tough semester with Mil Art, IR, and composition all together. Hopefully next semester I'll have a little easier load.

I've been contemplating if I should continue writing in here. I have other things to do and other outlets now. I'll probably still continue, but not as often.

Leah reminded me today that God never gives you more than you can handle. I guess I should be happy that God trusts I can handle this much, but I must admit that it really sucks. However, I'll survive. I learned a good lesson, listen to you're gut instinct. When it tells you that someone isn't right for you, that something just isnt' right, when your friends say someone is a jerk, perhaps you should listen.

New Mexico has been hot...as in the weather. It's in the high 90's every day, but the saving factor is that there is practically no humidity. Besides, I spend most of the time inside in air conditioning doing work, or at least trying to do work. So far it's been pretty boring. On Wednesday I drove to Santa Fe for lunch. It's a nice city, but since I was alone and had never been there I had no idea what to do and so I walked around a bit and then drove the long way back to Albuquerque. During lunch I called Misha and we talked for a bit. This morning he IM'd me and gave me the name and phone number of one of his sister's friends who is doing an intership here for the summer so that hopefully we can hang out. It's rather boring here since I don't know anybody. Tonight I drove around trying to find the best gas price in the city, watch the sun set, and called some of my friends.

I went to the doctor today and found out that I actually have a double ear infection. Now I'm on antibiotics and ear drops, plus I'm taking lots of sudafed. What a wonderfull stay at home.

Actually it hasn't been that bad. Today I played laser tag with Steph. She invited me along to play with a bunch of Air Force people. It was really fun. Better than the MILES gear. Other than that I've been able to go out with a bunch of my friends. I was supposed to go to Cedar Point on Wednesday, but that ended up not working out at the last minute. I didn't minda that much about not going to Cedar Point since roller coasters are starting to not be as exciting to me, but I was kinda sad that I wouldn't get to hang out with Leah. I won't get to see her untill school starts.

Good news on the car front. I was able to reserve one today with enterprise. It's going to cost a lot, but I'll think it'll be worth it when I'm in New Mexico.

I feel like such a wimp right now. My ear really hurts. My dreams are even about my ear hurting, or at least have that in them. It's probably just a stupid ear infection or something, but I won't know until tomorrow at 11am when I have a doctors appointment. Argh.

I wish I were 21 so that I could rent a car when I'm in NM.

Once again I'm back home for 6 days. Buckner was an awesome experiance. I don't think I could've asked for a better detail. The cadre in my platoon were great, my squad was fantastic, and the training was excellent. I learned a lot and grew a lot over the past month. Being a squad leader was challenging to say the least, but the rewards make it all worth it. Seeing my squad work together, cheer each other on, tough it out, and push themselves to the limit more than made up for the lack of sleep and stress level I had to deal with. The best times were in fact the times when I had only gotten 2 hours of sleep or less that night and was running around trying to work for my squad. It was then that I felt I was actually doing something and making a difference. I'd change a few things if I could go back and do it over again, but that just shows me that I've taken away some learning points for the future. It's nice to have a break, but I also wish I could see how my squad fares with second detail. I know that they are going to improve even more and really excell this detail. Right now they may not be looking forward to infantry week, but I believe they'll come out of it with a really positive attitude and more cohesion. Crehan, Dahman, Ehlers, Fazio, Friters, Hughes, Klingensmith, McDonald, Obringer, Robinson, and White...thanks. You guys are great.

Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday, which means that today is Fat Tuesday. I didn't even realize that until this morning when I was sitting at my desk pretending to read the newspaper but actually hiding behind it and sleeping.

AAAAAH! I just found out that I still have Air Assualt this summer. I guess that means I really have to start working out. Why didn't Ari tell me that I still had it? He said he gave it away. Crap.

Back to Buckner I go, but this time as a squad leader. I'll be back July 12 or 13, depending on when my flight gets back.

I'm kinda nervous about seeing Josh again and I have no clue why. He called today finally, but only to find out when the last day of Buckner was for us. Ah well. That's life. This week has given me a lot to think about, and a lot of time to do it. I was talking to Misha last night about some stuff and he said that I was growing up. Smart guy.

I kinda take back what I said about not giving people second chances. I do, but experiance has taught me that it most likely will never be the same and so I no longer expect the relationship to be the same. Matt and I talked a little at Church today. He was suprised to find out that I was leaving Monday because he thought that I was in town for a few weeks. After we talked he asked if we were bud's again. I couldn't really answer that question. We never stopped being friends, but we definetly drifted apart. I do miss him, but some things changed in that time that we didn't talk a lot. Perhaps I will write to him again this summer. Right now it's either Stephanie, him, or my new journal. Maybe a mixture of all three. I just need one person/journal that I can write to/in about everything.

Anyway, I should get to bed. APFT on Tuesday morning. Pray for me.

There's a tornado warning, but it's for livingston county and not my county. A big thunderstorm would be nice. I like those.

One more thing I was thinking about this evening. Hopefully this will be quick so that I can get to bed. Josh has told me before that he doesn't give people second chances. When he told me that I didn't think it was a very good idea and thought that people have a right to a second chance, but then tonight I was thinking about it some more and realized that in a way I do that too. I can think of two times that it has happend that really stick out. One was the summer going into Senior year when I was in Trinidad and the other was just this past Christmas. Both time invovleved guys that I considered to be practically a brother. I guess the best way to describe it is that when I needed them the most they weren't there. After that things were never the same.

Someone just called. It's 2:43am. Who calls at 2:43am? I have no idea who it was because my parents answered the phone. Probably a wrong number.

This evening Becki and I went out for coffee and walked around downtown. When we were going back to the car we reached the top of the stairs of the parking structure and Becki opened the door and Andrew S. walked through it. I was so suprised to see him that as I went through the door I ran into Becki and almost tripped her when I stepped on her flip-flop. He looked exactly the same as he had in high school. After the door shut I stammered to Becki "that...that was Andrew." For the life of me I couldn't remember his last name and that annoyed me so much that I coulndn't stop thinking and trying to figure it out until I was on my way home from Becki's house and it suddenly popped in my head. I'm not sure if he recognized me, but I'm guessing he did. We passed by each other without saying hi or anything and I tried not to show any suprise on my face, but I've learned that what I'm feeling shows through no matter how hard I try to keep a poker face. Hard to believe that it was 5 years ago already. He is on the list of my top crushes that I've had in my life. I started liking him at the end of freshman year of high school. Sophmore year we became good friends and he liked me for awhile and asked me out, but I said no. I had the bad luck of liking guys when they didn't like me and not liking them when they did like me. I later started liking him again, but he was intersted in someone else by then. We remained good friends until late fall of junior year when for some reason we just drifted apart and never really talked after that.

Thinking about Andrew made me think of the list of the biggest crushes I've had. Of course there were lots of small ones, but these are the major. Mike, Mark, Frank, Andrew, Ryan, Matt. I don't know why I stopped the list there and why Jake and Eric aren't on it. I dated Jake and I really liked Eric, but they just dont' seem to fit in the list. I guess it's because they were turning points and with them my thinking had slowly started to change. As I said before, I organize things in lines in my head and that is why I have this list. It's a timeline.

When I was in elementry school I usually got a new pair of sneakers at the beginning of the school year that would last me until the next one. I loved getting new shoes and wanted to wear them as soon as I got them, but my mom wouldn't let me wear them until the first day of school. That made the first day of school all the more special and I looked forward to it because in the morning I got to put on my new shoes and wear them around for the first time. Then one year I got a new pair, and perhaps it was because she was so tired of listening to my pleas to wear my new shoes, but my mom let me start wearing them a few days before school started. Of course it still felt great to wear them, but the first day of school was different. I woke up the moringing hoping that somehow during the night the shoes had magically turned new again and that I hadn't worn them at all. I wanted that feeling of excitment and anticipation back about being able to wear them for the first time, but my hopes were in vain. I had already worn my shoes and nothing could change that. They still looked new and clean, and I think I even had them packaged up in the box, but it wasn't the same. I was somewhat dissapointed that day and felt that I had cheated myself out of something better by giving in early.

I think that little experiance ended up having a profound impact on my way of thinking. Waiting can be hard, but don't give in and cheat yourself out of something better or end up being dissapointed later on. The best things aren't those that come from instant gratification.

Not much is new in my life. Right now I'm over at Becki's house using her computer to post this. It's great to see her again. I'm glad that she's is back from Ireland and that I get to hang out with her. The keyboard is different and so I'm having a bit of trouble typing. The backspace key is in a different position and so I keep hitting the backslash key instead of the backspace key. Oh well. It's better than nothing. I think i'm getting the hang of it now. This afternoon we went shopping and I got two new shirts from Old Navy. Usually I can't find anything that I like there.

I haven't talked to Josh since Friday. I wonder if we'll talk at all this week.

I could lamente about how much I miss my friends, but I won't. I'll just leave it at that I do miss them. Home has been okay so far, but nothing really exciting has happened. Yesterday I went to the Huron Softball banquet at the request of my old coach. It was nice to see all of my teammmates who are still there and say goodbye and goodluck to the graduating seniors. I can't believe it's already been two years since I graduated. I ended up sitting with the Nye family who also had Ashley's boyfriend along. Mr. Nye pointed out how much Ashley has changed from the extremely shy freshman she was freshman year to the outgoing person she is today. Amazing how things change.

More on the note of missing things, I miss my teddy bear. I had to leave him at school because he didn't fit in my bag to come home and I wasn't about to take him out to Camp Buckner. It's comfy curling up to sleep holding him in my arms and resting my head on top of his head. Of course during the course of the night he usually ends up either on the floor or smashed between the bed and the wall, but at least he's there to start off with.

Yesterday I went to the store and bought a notebook journal that I'm hoping to start writing in regularly. We'll see how that one goes. I also bought ingredients for banana bread and cranberry bread. I made some cranberry bread last night and it turned out pretty well, except that I chopped up a lot of the cranberry's too much and so they got lost in the mixture and don't add a lot to the taste. The ones that are still there are delicious though.

I get to see Matt today at his graduation party. I haven't seen him since Christmas and have only talked to him 2 or 3 times this semester. As I've said before, I'm not great at keeping in touch.

At last I'm home. Actually, I've been home since Wednesday night. Yesterday I went to Dearborn High School to talk to the students there. They seemed pretty interested and asked a bunch of questions. I had a little trouble finding the school because I had directions to the administarative building and not to the high school. Today I'm headed over to my old high school to talk to the students there. I'm aslo planning on visiting a few of my old teachers and my coachs. My high school counseler never knew who I was until I told her that I wanted to go to West Point. From then on she always knew who I was. After that I think I may stop by and say hi to my Grandma. I haven't seen her since Christmas and have only talked to her on the phone once or twice this semester.

It's nice being home, but it is kinda boring. A lot of my friends from high school aren't around anymore and I don't know where most of the rest of them live. I'm not great at keeping in touch with people. I called Misha last night and we're going to go hang out and go to a movie or something next week. He has a huge test today and so he couldn't do anything last night. Liz and I are supposed to do something next tuesday, but then at dinner my mom told me that Isaac has an end of school recital that afternoon and I want to go to that.

I met Roger last night. He seems like a good guy, but doesn't look like the picture that Besty sent me. He didn't appear very tall in the picture, but then in person I think he's taller than my dad. I never really thought about it, but I guess I am the shortest in my family. I always assumed that I'd grow a little more and surpass one of my sisters or my mom, but it looks like that's not going to happen. I guess I'm stuck being referred to sometimes as "hey shorty" by Betsy and I can't even get back at her by calling her "bigfoot" because we wear almost the same size show now. Life is so unfair :)

Last night I had a few minutes before I had to do the taps accountability check for my squad and so I decided to sit down and write a little. I wasn’t sure how to start or what to write, so I decided to write a letter to Matt just like I did all of last summer. This summer I don’t think that I’ll actually send the letters to him because times have changed and I’ve come to understand more clearly what the purpose of those letters was. I have to find a new purpose to write. What I write this summer will help me more than anything with my development as a leader. A journal would be best, but in the past I haven’t been very good at consistently writing in journals. There needs to be someone who I’m trying to talk to about what is going on in my life and my thoughts. As much as I tried to deny it and ignore it, that was why I started this journal. I had a specific person in mind that I wanted to share stuff with. That is still the case, but that person has changed. I still write, and always have written, primarily for myself and to jot down what is in my head and going on in my life, but a lot of the time I’m hoping that someone specific reads it and is interested in it.

On the topic of journals, the other day the under three classes were tasked with cleaning out the trunk room. We were allowed to throw out anything marked with the year 2003 or lower. Of course, when we found boxes of stuff we didn’t immediately throw them away, but first went through them to see if there was any good stuff that we wanted. I found the book The Long Grey Line, a very nice book of the complete works of Shakespeare, over 20 wooden hangers, and probably the best find was a leather journal. I saw it buried in a box we were going through and picked it up because it reminded me of a journal that I had bought at the bookstore at the beginning of plebe year but only managed to write in a few times. I opened it up and saw that only a fifth of the pages had entries so I saved it and figured that I could tear those pages out. That didn’t exactly happen though. I must confess that I read the journal and it has made a very big impact on me. It was written by someone when they were a plebe. I’ve forgotten who’s box I found it in and I don’t really care to find out. The anonymity is part of what makes it so moving. They poured out there heart and feelings in there and it has opened my eyes to some things that I think will help me more understand one of the people in my life.

Back on the topic of writing in journals, in this one I’ve become much more guarded in what I say. That has its good points and its bad ones. It is hard to say what I truly want to say when I have my guard up and put some topics off limits and speak in generalities about certain things. One thing I found very refreshing about writing Matt was that I did away with those barriers for the most part.

Yearling year is now officially over for me. Today I left West Point to come home for CPRC and the first part of my summer leave. Yesterday all of the plebes and the cadre for the summer went out to mini-Buckner. It felt like hardly any time had pasted since I was out there as a yearling, but now I’m out there as a squad leader with 10 people under me. So far I like being a squad leader. It’s stressful and has kept me pretty busy, but I feel like I’m actually doing something and leading. This summer I think that I’ll grow a lot. It’s going to challenge and push me to go past my limits once again, but that’s why I came here. If it was easy then anybody could do it.

Wow! I got the lock combo on the first try. Now I have one for Buckner.

Packing is going extremely slow. My roommates have been wonderfull and put up with my mess so far. I'm sure that they'll be glad after tonight when everything is packed up. At least Tara will be glad. Alyson will probably start on her stuff.

This morning I rushed from breakfast back up to my room so that I could get to book return, but as I was walking down the hall with all of my books I looked at a sign and noticed that today it didn't open until 12, so I decided to walk down to Carlson Wagonlit to try and get my plane tickets worked out for my AIAD. Since it's Memorial Day the bus either wasn't running, or was on a really wierd scheduale and didn't come at the right time. I met up with 4 other guys headed down there and so we all walked in the rain together. We got there about 5 minutes before it should've opened, and then waited for about 10 minutes after it should've opened. It wasn't open today. I decided to go check out a different building by myself, which wasn't open either so I started to walk back. I made it 3/4 of the way back and then an officer offered me a ride the rest of the way. Around 11:15 I headed down to book return because I saw some people already going there. I was about 10th in line when I got there and it didn't even open for 45 minutes. People started to flow in really fast around 11:30. I ended up getting $131.50 for my books. It would've been more if I hadn't thrown away all of the CD's that came with the books. Joel went around and got other peoples books that they had thrown away. He ended up getting over $400. Since they take the money for the books when we buy them out of our cadet account it's kinda like free money when they pay us cash when we return them. I like the system.

Why couldn't the rain today have held off untill tomorrow morning? Oh well, Brigade runs are fun....riiiiiight.

My room is an absolute pit right now and it's all my fault. I'm trying to clean it out and in the process I've emptied out just about every nook and crany to get the junk cleared out and sort what needs to stay here, go home, and go to Buckner. It looks like a bomb exploded.

This weekend turned out pretty well. Saturday I didn't end up cleaning up my room at all because right after I got up one of my friends IM'd me and invited me to got to the city and watch the Yankee's game with him and some friends. I was debating to go or not but then he said that he'd come up here and beg me if I said no, and I didn't want him to see me in my pj's so i decided to go. (yes, for once I actually was wearing real pj's and not gym-a). We went to the city, walked around a bit, went to the game, went to Time's square, ate dinner, and then came back. Right after we got off the train in the city Jordan noticed that I had a big blue spot on the back of my shirt and so she let me borrow her sweatshirt for half the day. She got cold during the game and so I gave it back to her and decided to ignore the blue spot. Today I woke up around 11:30 and started cleaning out my desk.

On both Friday night and Saturday night Josh IM'd me around 3am to say hi. I was asleep both times, but it was really nice to wake up in the morning and see his message.

I got my CS grade today and somehow managed to get a B-. I had a C+ going into the TEE. In AP I ended up with a B- as well. I think I had a B going into the TEE.

One thing that is very nice about this weekend is that it's giving me a chance to relax, forget about school for the most part, and think about stuff that's going on in my life. This past week, or past few weeks should I say, were pretty stressfull with crew and school work competeing for my time. Towards the end of this week it was really starting to catch up to me and affect all areas of my life. It's nice to have some time to myself.

I guess I'll just start talking about what's on my mind. It's Josh. Not a big suprise there. He's usually what's on my mind. I can't help but wonder if I can ever mean as much to him as other girls have. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, and I try not to, but it happens. Because of that question in my mind I don't want to admit to myself or others how much I really feel about him or care about him because what if he doesn't to the same extent. Therefore I avoid thinking about it. I see it as a weakness because it's a place where I'm very vulnerable. I know that he does care about me and that he likes me. I like him, especially the little things that he does. This past week I spent a lot of time with him and had a good time. It will all work out and be okay.

Ahh yes, it's TEE leave once again and what am I doing this time? Sittting in my room. Of course, that is my fault because I decided that I wanted to spend the night here so that I can hopefully start and maybe even finish packing up my room this weekend. Last night I went out with Leah and we spent the night at the Hanlons. Right before we went over there we made a stop by the Comm's house. Celio was over there and wanted us to come by before we left. We went over and I met Gen. Brook's two daughters and his wife. Thankfully BG Brooks wasn't there. I'm sure he is a pleasent man, but still, he's the Comm. Today I came back to West Point so that I could pick up my AIAD orders and then I went back to the Hanlon's with Annah. Later Terry, Tia, Jordan, and Natalie came over and we all went out to dinner along with Amy, and then hung around the house some more. Annah was the only person not on pass so she had to come back to school by TAPs. I decided that I'd have a better chance at getting some work done on my room if I actually spent the night in it instead of at the Hanlons again. I don't think I've ever had the room to myself at night this year because I'm usually the person who isn't here. It's different.

4 out of my 6 TEE grades are in. Unfortunatly I'm not going to make the Dean's list this semester. I got a C+ in spanish, B- in physics, and a B in both probability & statistics and dirt. I'm still waiting on american politics and computer science. I think all grades have to be in by tomorrow, so I'll find out soon. That's one really nice thing about this school. There's a really fast turn around time for grades.

NOOO! I missed Steph's phone call again. I wish I could call her, but I don't have her phone number. It was kinda wierd today in the mess hall because for a moment I thought I saw her walk in, but then I looked again and it was just somebody who looked a lot like her. I wish I could talk to her and find out how basic went. She might be home when I'm home, so hopefully I'll see her then.

On a happy note all my TEE's are finally over. So far I only know how physics and dirt went. Still waiting on CS, Spanish, AP and Math. Spanish is the one I'm most worried about.

I have a lot to write about this weekend, but I don't know if I'll get to it or if I want to get to it. Sometimes it is easier just to ignore or avoid subjects.

I think I"m really nervous for some reason. I have my AP TEE in an hour and I should be studying, and I was, but all of a sudden I got really antzy. I don't know why, but I can't stop moving. My roommates think it's pretty funny. Doing push-ups didn't help, walking around the room just made it worse, and sitting still my leg bounces. I just hope that I don't crash during the TEE. That would really suck. I only get this way if I'm really stressed or tired. Only 3 more TEE's left, that's 10.5 hours of tests. I can do it. Halfway through right now. 1 more today, 2 more tomorrow, and then I'm done. Okay, I'm slowing down a bit now. My leg stopped taping. I should be able to get back to studying soon.

My parents sure do a lot for me. My mom bought me a plane ticket to come home tomorrow after my last TEE because I'm doing CPRC, but a few weeks after the people in charge said that was fine, they changed their minds and decided that going to Mini-Buckner was much more important and that I couldn't leave until a week from today. My cadet chain-of-command tried to let me leave early, but there's not much you can do when a LTC tells you something. I called home and told my parents about it and my Mom was wonderful and got my ticket changed. I don't think that was a cheap thing to do. It cost over $200, plus the time and energy. My Mom is a great person. She's always sending me packages with food and quarters for laundry. When my roommates need to find the address for CGR they just go through my stuff looking for a box from home because they know that I'll have at least one around and that it'll have the address. My Dad is always there for me when I have a question about why my computer is acting up. Once last year and then again once this year I was working on a CS project late at night and got stuck. I called home and he stayed up and helped me. They've been up here numerous times to visit, and even came to one of my regatta's this spring. When we came off the water from practice that day and were soaked to the skin, my parents collected up some of our clothes and went and found a laundrymat in town to dry them. My friends love them a ton. It meant a lot to Steph that they were still there for her even after I left to come here. Annah gets real excited everytime I tell her that they're coming. Of course, that doesn't prevent her from teasing me and saying I have the perfect midwestern family. I love my parents.

No hablo espanol. Mucho crapo. Oh well. It's all good.

Quick note: Below I'm using the terms optimistic and pessimistic in the way that most people tend to think of those words. Optimistic being positive and having a good outlook, pessimistc being more negative and a not so good outlook. They are not being used in the correct psychological way.

Now that I have a little time, or more that I'm putting off studying spanish and AP, I can talk some more about last night and the conclusion that I am actually an optimistic person. It started out with Bea-hob asking me why I always hated everything after I told him that I hate physics. I told him that it's not actually that I hate things, that is just the easiest answer to give at the moment and usually I'm not very fond of whatever it is. It's the slacker way out. That transitioned into us talking about personality. I said that I was a pessimistic optimistic person in that outwardly I usually sound pessimistic and try and perpare myself for the worst, but deep down I'm actually pretty optimistic and believe that everything will turn out okay, even pretty good. The reason that I don't say that out loud, or let myself think that in my head, is that I find it much easier to expect the worst and find out everything is just fine, rather than expect the best and be let down or dissapointed. Bea-hob told me that this meant that I had a deceptive personality. I asked Josh and Justin about it as well, and they both said it was deceptives due to the fact that I outwordly say something other than what I really feel deep down. I'd never really though of it that way and I didn't like it, so I decided it was time to put aside the pessimistic outward attitude and start focusing on the optimistic one. It's requiring a little more concentration on what I'm saying and thinking, but overall I think it's going pretty well so far.

2 down, 4 to go. This morning I took my physics Tee. I think my answer to the last question just about sums up the test. The question was basically "State if the experimental value was accurate or percise compared to the manufacturer's value. What was the main source of error?" My answer: " The experimental value was neither precise nor accurate when compared to the expected value. The main source of error was that I used the wrong equation because I had no idea what equation to use, or what it was that I was looking for. Other than that the main source of error was systematic due to the fact that the values did not overlap." I'm hoping that they are very generous with partial credit. If that's the case, then I have a chance at doing okay, I think. Otherwise...

Tomorrow I have Spanish and AP, and then on Thursday I have CS and Prob&Stats. Yes, 20 hours of tests in a week is great. At least it's combat PMI all week. And when I mean combat, I mean that I haven't even made my bed. It's great.

Time to start embracing the suppressed optimistic person inside of me. Everything is going to be okay. I may not have gotten all of the questions on the dirt Tee correct, but I'm pretty sure I passed.

Wish I could talk more about my switch from being an pessimistic optimistic person to just an optimistic person, but I need to get to bed. Physics Tee tomorrow. I can do this.

This weekend was one of those weekends that leave me feeling like I need to sit back and have a moment to think and organize my thoughts. It was fun, but overload. Saturday I hung out with Josh and Joel in NJ. We went and saw the Matrix Reloaded. I personally like the first Matrix better, but this one was okay. It had some pretty cool fight scenes. Then today I went over to the Shumackers house for our small group party. MAJ Shumacker, Brian, Jess, and I played bocci ball. MAJ Shumacker won by alot. This evening I had a Buckner meeting and there was some pizza to eat. I think I got a little food poisening from it. Tee's start tomorrow so I started studying and stressing. I guess lack of sleep and stress are the major contributers for feeling like I need to sit back and zone out the world for a few minutes.

In my mind I see things in terms of colors, time lines, and shapes. The colors I can't really give definate color names, but I can tell if they are dark or light. For example, my first grade room was light, where as the other first grade room across the hall was dark. The days of the week are arranged in my mind in a row of rectangles with each haveing a different color or shade. When I was little and memorized violin pieces by ear I would listen to them and develop a mental picture of the piece. Then, when I played the piece I would walk through that mental picture. When I hear music nowadays I still kind of do that. The only think missing from my mental picture is that there isn't any room place in it for the name of the piece or who it's by. There never has been, and perhaps there never will be. It just doesn't belong.

Time for bed.

Yay! I got to talk to Misha today. I haven't talk to him in so long because when he's online he's either busy, or I'm busy, or he's just not there. It sounds like the Chemistry department at UofM is just as bad, if not worse, than the one here. That is, it's a great department, but seems like a haze and everybody hates it. This weekend he's going to go see the new Matrix. I really want to see that.

Hmm, Mark just came by with laundry detergent he borrowed. I should've asked him if it's busy down there right now. I need to do some laundry.

When it rains, it pours. It's pouring right now. Today my stress level increased by the hour. I was told I have have the options of either doing the Air Assualt train-up duing TEE leave, passing and going to AA school, or doing a second detail. Plus, in 20 min I have my combatives TEE that i'm pretty nervous about. Added on top of that is the fact that for some reason I didn't go to bed until around 2 last night. Why? I'm not quite sure. I was working on Math and all of a sudden it was really late, but I still had to try and do Web Assign for physics. 2am is pretty late for me on a school night when I have to get up at 6 and I don't function well when I'm tired. The little stuff gets to me. If I'm ever in a bad mood or mad, the best bet is that I'm also very tired and exhausted.

I'm the Activies SGT next semester. Time to plan some BBQ's.

Today was a quite productive day for once. I got up this morning at 5:30 and Anne and I went over to Arvin gym and climbed the rope and did the monkey bars. We were going to do some sit-ups, but it was crowded where we were going to do them, so instead we did a short run. Then today in CS I got my project back. It was a C-, not great, but at least not failing. In Dirt I got out about 40 min early and so I went back to my room and filled out my itinerary for CPRC. MAJ Robinson handed back our AP papers in class today, but right before he handed them back he put up a power point slide of the top ten sentences he found in the papers. The number one sentence was "The 1770's were a time of peace, free love, and drugs." I did a lot better on my paper then I expected, which brightned my day even more. After lunch I went to dental sick call and got a filling. It's four hours later and the part of my mouth is still a little numb. From there I went to visit Josh and then came back to my room and emailed my DAC about getting an AIAD for this summer. Tonight I'm going over to the Surdu's house for a goodbye dinner. LTC Surdu is moving to a new post at the end of the month.

I just had my embarrasing experiance for the day/week/semester. This morning I was relaxing after my spanish oral TEE and and sitting at my desk with my belt undone and shirt untucked while reading the newspaper and listening to music. I looked up to see my TAC, 1st SGT, a Congressman, TACNCO, and a few other officers standing in my doorway entering the room. My roommates and I had to stand up at attention to greet them, but I was had the predicament that my shirt was untucked and belt was undone. I didn't have time to fix that or any way to do it inconspicously, so I just stood up and held the newspaper in front of me while trying to stand at attention. It was very embarrassing. The Congressman asked my roommates and I a few questions about where we were from, looked around the room a bit, and then left. I wanted to hide.

Last week of classes. Yuck year is almost over. YAY! This past year has pushed me, challenged me, broken me down, built me up, made me think, changed a few things and strengthend a few others. I wouldn't change anything, but I'm glad that I never have to go through it again. At least I hope that is the case. I'll see how everything turns out after TEE's are over.

Crew season is over. It went by so fast. This past weekend was Dad Vail and ECAC's. My boat raced 5 times over the course of the weekend. At Dad Vail's we made it to the semi-finals but unfortuantly did not make it to the finals this year. Then, on Sunday at ECAC's we won the Petite Finals by 0.2 seconds. I was so glad that we didn't end the season by losing yet another race by a tenth of a second. It's sad losing Kathie, Cas, AB, and Margaret, but I'm glad that they've survived West Point and get to graduate in a few days. Next year will be very different not having Coach Hall as a coach anymore and so many other people gone as well. I'm glad that I was able to row with all of them this season. Prarie Dogs, learning to scull, 5:30am practices, unexpectedly swimming in the Hudson, getting third at States, beating each other up at the Hanlon's house, spanking manatiees, contagious shoulder problems,West Virginia...need I say more, the super secret plan...It's been a good year.

: )

That's for you.

Yes, I am a pessimist. No, I don't think I work hard enough at anything. I just turned in my CS project and it royally sucked. I need to get out of this mood right now. All I'm doing is berating myself. Right now I'm not living up to my expectations and it really bothers me, but yet I also am not doing a whole lot about it. It's a catch-22. What I need to start doing is figuring out what I need to improve and actually work to improve it. Do I do enough, push myself enough? Other people work much harder than I do and seem to manage. Why do I feel like I'm sinking? I think I need sleep, but there are others things that I should be doing.

Outside B4 is playing dodgeball. Cool. Dodgeball at HVS was the best with those big mats to hide in and behind. That and kick the can in the dark.

I think I finally stuffed enough cardboard under the leg of my desk to prevent my top two drawers from slidding open all the time. It only took me a semester to do it.

Crap! I called Matt this evening but he was sleeping so I said I'd call him back, but I forgot. I think the last time I talked to him on the phone was over spring break. He's never home when I call. Such a busy guy.

This weekend at the New York State Championships my boat won our heat on Saturday and then got third place in the grand finals on Sunday. That means that now I have a shiny new medal hanging on my bookshelf. Overall Army placed second at the regatta. Not bad. I get to leave Thursday afternoon for the Dad Vail Championships in Philadelphia which are on Friday and Saturday. Sunday is the last regatta of the season and it's the ECAC in Camden NJ. It's going to be a busy week. We have practice in the mornings this week at 5:30 so that we can focus on homework and sleep in the afternoons. I have a big CS project due on Tuesday that I'm not very far on. Only two more weeks of classes before TEE's. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

Gotta love doing laundry. It makes me feel like a real college student. I wait until I have almost no clean clothes left, or none at all in the case of my crew clothes, and then search every corner, pocket, and drawer in my room for quarters so that I can actually do my laundry. My mom sometimes sends me a roll of $10 worth of quarters and I thought that I still had some left from the last time she sent them, but when I looked for them where I thought I had stashed them nothing was there. I started going through all of the pockets in my back packs, crew bag, and drawers and managed to find enough quarters for one load of laundry. Long ago I'd given up on trying to keep my white's sparkiling white here so I was just going to throw everything together, but then I rembered hearing some change jingle in my running suit pocket so I searched there. I didn't find any quarters, but I did find $3. I love finding money in pockets.

Yay! Josh just stopped by because he's out checking his squad's TA-50.

CS project or sleep?

I'm looking forward to the end of classes more and more. For some reason this week has left me extremely tired and exhausted. I've even decided to cut out my morning run for today and tomorrow in hopes getting a tiny bit more sleep and becoming more rested for NY States this weekend. Crew practice has left me drained of all energy and academics are slowly killing me. During practice I try and row as hard as I can and do my best, but I feel like it's not enough; that I'm not doing as well as everybody else and that I'm slowing down the boat.

Today in Prob &Stats class we got into a discussion about West Point vs. other colleges. My teacher put up and excell spreadsheet that showed the dean's guidance for grades here vs the dean at Harvard's guidance for grades. The point he was making was that if we went to Harvard, or any other school our GPA's would be raised by about a point. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but thinking that I'd have a 3.9 or so someplace else is nice. Too bad it's just not here.

On a more cheerful note, right now my hands are covered in glitter. For Easter my mom sent me some play-dough with glitter in it. I just picked some up and a lot of the glitter rubbed off on my hands. When I move my fingers back and forth really fast it looks cool.

The other day when I was in the library working on my AP paper I picked up the book Covered Wagon Women. It's a book of diaries and letters from women traveling west in the late 1850's. I've only had time to read a little of it so far, but it is pretty interesting and nice light reading. Although I'm not that great at history, I like reading about people's adventures and how they survived.

I survived today. I'm not sure how, but I made it through and am still alive and somewhat functioning.

My parents are coming to my regatta this weekend. YAY!! My mom called me today to tell me. This weekend is the New York State Championships.

At last, time for bed. I have a dirt WPR tomorrow that I'm not really ready for and probably should study some more for it, but I only got 2.5 hours of sleep last night and am tired. Today wore me out. At least I'm now done with my AP paper, math WPR, and in-ranks. Good night.

.59 seconds. That really is a split second. AUGH!!! That's how much Holy Cross beat us by this weekend. We had an awesome start and got half a boat length on everybody, but then in the last 100 meters the other teams picked up a better sprint than us. Holy Cross and us battled it out stroke for stroke with each boat getting ahead and then falling back in turn with each pass through the water. They just had one more stroke than we did and crossed the finish line first. We were so close.

Someone once told me that when you are mad at someone or want to say something mean about them, you should instead try and think of 10 nice things to say about them. I've tried to do that before and it helps a little. I also try and see things from the other persons point of view. Of course, that can lead to an arguement in my head between the two sides. I don't want to be selfish or self-centered, but that sometimes leads me to not say anything and I end up being unhappy or disliking something. I guess I have a problem with speaking what is on my mind. Some people do it too much, and then some don't do it enough. I'd rather not be on either side of the spectrum. I've found that I'm most comfertable in the middle. Perhaps it's time that I start stepping out of my comfort zone. But how? I don't want to go from not saying anything, to saying too much.

Why do I have childrens songs running through my head? Do you know the Muffin Man?

Eurika! I've figured it out. As a child I was terrified of the bath tub drain. When my mom would drain the bath tub after my bath I would start crying if any of my toys were left in there because I was sure that they would be sucked down the cm diameter holes of the drain covering. I was also sure that I would get sucked down as well if I was left in there. I think I may have figured out why I was so scared. It's because of the boy that lived down the drain. My dad used to sing Ba Ba Black Sheep as
Ba ba black sheep have you any wool
Yes sir yes sir three bags full
One for my master
One for the adme
One for the little boy who lives down the drain
instead of "one for the little boy who lives down the lane." That poor boy. How did he survive in that drain?

My last CCQ shift of the school year is underway. That is, it's my last schedualed one. During Tee's I'll probably have a few hours on the Q. I really should be doing homework, especially my AP paper or my CS project, but other stuff is more interesting. That other stuff being reading Readers Digest, playing solitare, randomly surfing the web, and talking to the BP. Life on the Q is pretty boring. I did manage to get all of my laundry done this morning and had a short break when I went to go take a math quiz. It was another 10/10. I just suck at the wpr's and projects. This, of course, is the one day in the history of crew that we have a day off. Normally I'd be rejoicing, but I was looking forward to getting away from the Q for a few hours. Now I'm stuck here while my friends sleep. Such is life. Really it's not too bad, at least not most of the time. The company is in PMI today so it makes my life a little easier. There's no AMI to check and I don't have to worry about room graders coming through.

My mom said that my laptop should be coming either today or tomorrow. I can't wait to have it back and working again. Tomorrow I leave for the Patriot League Championships around noon so I hope it comes today. It'll also be nice to have my water bottle. I lost my favorite one last week when the boat swamped and so I've been using one of my Nalgene bottles. The Nalgene bottles are great, but it takes too long tring to unscrew the lid and get a drink during practice. Molly keeps commenting that she likes my new water bottle more than my old one because it looks nicer. The one that my mom is sending me is exactly like the one I lost, but a different color. I wonder what Molly will think of that one.

Today Coach Hall moved me into the Varisty A boat. I still can't believe it and wonder if it will last. It'd be nice if everyone could row in the seat and boat that they wanted. Both boats just got switched around a little and while I moved up, my really good friend Leah moved down a boat. She really deserves to be in the A boat. She works harder than just about anyone I know, has one of the best erg times on the team, is very humble, very nice, very competitive, and is one of the coolest people I know. I wish there were more Leah's out there.

I got my physucks wpr back today and found out I got an 88.5% on it. The course average on it was around a 73% I think. That made me really happy because that may bring my grade up in that class to a B-. My grades really suck this semester. I just took a spanish WOPR which I'm pretty sure I failed. Forgetting the difference between por and para and the preterit and imperefect is not a good thing to do when that is what the majority of the test covers.

Yesterday after CS lab I had CS AI schedualed with Dr. Blair, but since I had a few minutes before AI and I was really down about the class I went searching for someone to talk to about my major. I tried LTC Phillips, who is my DAC, LTC Surdu, who is my sponsor, and Dr. Hanlon, who is one of my coachs. They are all in the EECS department, but I didn't manage to talk to any of them because they were either gone or busy talking to someone else. I ended up talking to Dr Blair and the first sentence out of my mouth was "Ma'am, I think I may have made a mistake when choosing my major." She sat down with me and told me that the impressions she got from me in class were that I had the ability to do the work, but didn't have much of a background with the stuff. She said that she thought I had the skill to get a B+/A-, but that I probably wasn't working up to my potential. My motivation is decidedly lacking. I go over to visit Josh and Joel is always sitting there working on the CS project. I hardly ever work on it. There's probably a direct correlation between how much I work I do and how much I enjoy the class. Right now I have problems with visualizing stuff and when I try and work on it back in my room it feels like I get even more lost and do everything wrong. I like working with computers and technology, but I'm not sure if I like this stuff. I do, but yet I don't.

Why does the regatta this weekend have to be away? It's the Big East Championship, formerly known as the Patriot League Championships. The one weekend...

Today I have exactly 6 months left as a teenager. Time sure does fly.

Coach Hall had us seat race today. We did six 1000 meter pieces. The first two I was in the boat with Kathie, Cas, and Leah. The other boat had Margo, Frannie, Mindy, and AB. None of us knew we were going to be seat racing at first, but it became pretty clear once Coach told us to get the boats even and start to row. My boat won the first 2 races, and then Coach switched Andrea and Leah, meaning that they were going to be seat racing each other. My boat won the next two races as well by and even larger margin, which I really wasn't expecting. Then Coach had Mindy and I switch boats. I didn't expect my boat to be able to keep up, but we ended up smoking the other boat twice. I think I saw Coach Holland's jaw drop when he saw us pass. Mindy got really upset because since my boat won that probably means that I beat her. That really suprised me because she has a better 2k erg time than me by 7 or 8 seconds. Oh well. Nobody really understands how Coach Hall does seat racing. For all I know I could have actually lost.

Why do things have to change? Is the first year of a sport always the best? The freshman softball team in high school was by far the best year, even though I was on varisty the other three years. We all bonded and had an awesome season. It's a bit early to say it about crew, but right now it looks like novie year may be the best year. There are a bunch of girls thinking about leaving the team next year to do other sports such as lacrosse and rugby. I have to admit that I'm not 100% sure that I'll stick with crew instead of trying a new sport next year. A few weeks ago Coach Holland came up to me and asked me if I was going to come back next year. I said I was pretty sure I would and he said that he wasn't looking for a definite answer right then, but he told me wanted me on the team. Last week he made sure to tell Molly and I that we didn't have to worry about making the team next year, and that went for all current varsity rowers. I guess that makes me ask myself why I row. Do I do it for the love of the sport, for my friends on the team, for the excercise, because I don't want to drill, or some other reason? I wasn't a big fan of the sport in high school and only did it in the fall to stay in shape for softball in the spring. When I visited West Point in the spring of my senior year I went down to crew practice and rode in the launch. I swore to myself that I'd never do crew here because I remembered not liking it very much. Occasionally, however, I would drive past the Huron River back home and acutally think about rowing and actually miss it. Plebe year Jasmin decided to try out to be a coxswain on the crew team. I went along to tryouts just because she was going. Once there I suddenly felt like I fit in and belonged. I prayed that I'd make the team, and was so happy when I did. Why does it feel like things are changing now? Coach Hall is leaving after this year to go work at the Pentagon, Larissa and Anne probably will go due rugby, lacrosse may get Leah, she was All American in high school, Molly is going to Air Force for a semester and Meghan is going to Navy. Why do things have to change?

I called home this evening and got to talk to Heidi, Betsy, Mom, Dad, Aunt Sue, Uncle Jeff, Grandma, and Isaac. Anna doesn't like talking on the phone. Isaac told me that he wished that I went to a school closer to home so that we could have an easter egg hunt again. Isaac is my favorite guy in the whole world. I wish that I could see Anna and Isaac more often. Hopefully I'll see them this summer.

HAPPY EASTER! Jesus is risen.

Peeps are one of the great things about Easter. They are so small, yellow, and cute with their little brown dotted eyes and sugar coating. They are also really fun to watch blow up in the microwave. Yes, peeps are great. I think I'll go microwave some right now.

Right now I'm a little mad, or perhaps pissed is a better word. This really does not happen all that often and when it does happen I feel bad for feeling this way. I also wonder whether I have the right to feel this way or if my hopes were not justified and I shouldn't have counted on whatever it was. I really try and give people the benefit of the doubt. I am so tempted to write about it, but I don't want to say anything bad about anybody and I'm afraid that might happen or it may come across that way. I'll just say that I was hoping to do something with a friend tonight, but he decided to go do something else.

Sometimes I feel like I'm being strung around and only a friend of convenience. I stopped talking about guys on here a while ago, but this time I'm going to make an exception and write whatever comes to my head. I know that the whole world can read this if they want to, which has made me more cautious since the incident last fall, but right now I just want to get this out of me.

I like this guy, he likes me, but we are only friends. At least that is what people are told when they ask about is going on between us. Why do I like him? Because I can talk to him, I'm comfortable around him, he can be a great guy sometimes, and sometimes he seems to care about me. He's someone I can call in the middle of the night if I need to talk. He opens me up more and challenges me; gets me to try new things and be a little more outgoing. The thing is, we are just friends. Actually, I don't think that description really works. A lot of people mistake us for being boyfriend/girlfriend, but we are not. Why? Because he does not want to be. That is the plain and simple answer, and when I read it and hear it in my mind it makes me feel like crap because I wonder if I'm selling myself short. His reasoning is that he's always had a girlfriend since the time he was 14 and this is the first time that he hasn't. I understand that, see the logic, and actually think it is a good thing for a person to experience life being single, but it leaves me with a kind of raw deal. Where is the line between being friends and being something more than friends? What are reasonable expectations? I'm left wondering if I want too much. Example, this is the last Saturday I'll be here due to crew and I was hoping to hang out with him and some friends. I also had a race this morning. I invited him to watch the race with some friends, but he had plans to go watch the Mets game in the city. Last night he told me that he'd be back around 7 or 8 and that maybe we could do something then. After he gets back I talk to his roommate, also a friend, and it seems like we all might go do something like go see a movie. I talk to my friend a little while later and he tells me that he's leaving in 10 min to go do something because he can't stand being here on a Saturday night. Neither can I. I am going crazy right now because there is nothing to do and everyone is gone. Since he never said that we would definitely do something, I do not have the right to be mad about that. He can do whatever he wants. I just was hoping to do something with him and was hoping that he wanted to do something with me. Half the time it seems like he really cares about me, likes me, and that there is something there. The other part of the time I feel like I'm nothing more than just another friend, someone who doesn't really matter to him, perhaps just another girl chasing after him, who likes him a lot more than he likes her.

The only solution to all of this that I can see right now is for me to back off and officially say that we are just friends, nothing more than that until he is ready for a relationship, if that ever happens. The problem is that I don't want to do that. I like feeling like I'm someone special to someone. I also don't exactly know what being just friends means. I care a lot about him, and I want him to also care about me, but that is his decision. I don't want to be the one putting all the work into something and be left high and dry because he's just been playing around. I don't want to like him more than he likes me. He's good at putting himself first, which is something that I've been bad at my whole life, but this time I think I'm going to try and do what I think is best for myself. I feel like I'm being selfish by doing it. I need advice.

One side note. Annah was very nice and did invite me out to the mall with her parents earlier in the evening, but I was about to go play frisbee with Anne and didn't want to ditch her. She'd been working on a paper all day and needed to get outside.

B...O...R...E...D

It's Saturday, the last Saturday that I have a chance to do something here in fact, and what am I doing? Nothing. Absolutly nothing. Yes, I am taking this time to grip, whine, complain and overall feel sorry for myself. I think I'll allow myself about 20 minutes of it and then get over it. Feeling sorry for oneself is only good for so long before it really becomes depressing and nobody wants to associate with you. My 20 minutes shall start...now.

Yesterday was good Friday. What was I along with the majority of the yearling class here, doing you may ask. We were studying for our physics wpr this morning. Yes, a physics test the saturday morning before Easter. What a great way to celebrate the holiday. The test went, well, I'll just leave it at the test went. It really could go either way. I know that I got at least one conceptual problem wrong, but I'm hoping that I got the bonus question correct. Right after the test I rushed back to my room and threw my rowing stuff together and headed down to the boat house. Army raced Marist here today, but they only brought one 8 of women and so the V8 raced them and won. Go Army! Coach had the rest of us split into three fours and race each other in the last race of the day. He did it so Molly, Abby, and I were all strokes of the boats. Yesterday at practice he made the comment "now we'll see who is the best stroke." He was just joking around of course, but I didn't want to lose to them. The race went well and my boat ended up winning. For some reason the past few races I've been getting really bad cramps right after the finish line after we stop rowing. It happened today right as we were landing and so I was doubled over in pain on the dock. They go away after a few minutes, but it seems like an eternity. I got a ride back up from one of the guys in my company who came down to watch the races. Now I'm back in my room with nothing to do. A lot of my friends have parents up here for the weekend and so they are out with them. I really want to go out, but no one is here. One of my friends said that said he'd let me know when he got back from the Mets game and so I'm hoping that happens because otherwise I might go crazy. I could do homework, but that seems like adding insult to injury. Besides, it'd be nice to forget about school for a few hours.

Time's up. I have to stop complaining and feeling sorry for myself now. I think I'll take a shower, watch a movie or read a book, and perhaps take a nap. Amaka might be on the Q so I may go visit her and see if any of my other friends are around. One thing I need to avoid is snacking on all of the candy in my room right now. Mindless eating is no good and very addictive. I may, however, go blow some peeps up in the company microwave. That's always amusing. They get really fat and then burst. Good old West Point fun.

Yes, I love studying for physics tests on a Friday night. There's nothing better in life than learning about circuits and the loop rule and junction rule. Kirchhoff was one cool guy. It's also great role playing. In one problem they have me as a platoon leader of a field artillery battery assigned the task of monitering the danger due to excess charge accumulation on 155m Howitzer projectiles in my unit area. In another problem I get to be the battalion signal officer taksed with setting up an antenna farm to support battalion operations. They must really like me to give me these positions. Enough sarcasm for now, back to studying.

One quick side note. I looked at the chain of command list for Beast 2, and I noticed that I was slated to be a squad leader in H Company. My 1st SGT was, get this, Erich. I knew there was a possibility of that happening and half of me said that it would happen, but the other half said that the odds were against it. Oh well, it doesn't really matter anyway. It was long ago and besides now I have CFT 1.

This week has turned out to be a pretty good week so far. That may change, however, tomorrow with the physics WPR. I passed the APFT, found out I got CPRC which means that I get to go home after my last TEE, Coach Hall selected me to take Larissa's spot in the first varsity boat because she couldn't come to the race, it's Easter on Sunday, everyone was just fine after the minor incident at practice on Wednesday, my Mom sent me a little Easter basket and included some danish puff and peeps, the trade went through with James and so I have CFT 1 now instead of AA4 and CBT2, and I got to miss class on Friday to go race at UCONN. Sure, the week had some low points, but right now I'm in a good mood and thinking of the good points.

How serious was the situation? I really don't know. There are so many things that could have happened, but they didn't and we all made it back okay and we all recovered just fine. Had it happened last week or the week before that, who knows. But it didn't happen then. Our boats swamped today, the day it was 82 degrees outside. The water was probably 35 or 40 degrees. Maybe warmer. I really have no clue, but it was very cold and had ice on it only a few weeks ago. What if Coach K and MAJ Hall had taken the people they fished out all the way back to the dock? But they didn't and they got the rest of us out in time.

I only started to get scared when Coach K left with two people and right then our shell started to sink. I'd been at least half an hour, maybe an 45 minutes since we had started to take on water. I thought she had left us out there all alone. The shell was completely submerged in the water and the current was pretty fast. It was then that the thought crossed my mind that if she had taken the people all the way back to the dock then the rest of us might not make it. Since we couldn't row anymore we made the decision to detach the oars and flip the shell so that we could use it to hold on to and float. I now know why we have to watch that safety video every year where it depicts this exact situation. Before we all laughed at it because no one thought that it'd ever be that serious. Last year a few boat swamped, but the coaches were right there and the water was warmer. This time we risked hypothermia after a few minutes in the water. The video also taught us to stay with the shell. It's hard to judge the distance to shore and people are more likely to die when they try and swim there on their own.

I don't know how long we were in the water holding on to the shell. Margaret told us to try and keep our feet out of the water because the air was much warmer. I'm guessing it was under 5 minutes from the time that we flipped the shell to the time that Coach Hall came and got us, but really I have no clue. Later on when I was talking to people they were saying that they felt like time slowed down and they were starting to feel delirious. Leah said that she started to try and gather up oars, but then someone told her to stop because the oars didn't really matter. They could float. It was more important to hold onto the shell and wait to get rescued. When Coach Hall came and picked us up he had us all huddle together in the center of his boat. We were all trying to unravel space blankets, but they were hard to unravel and our hands were all numb. One of the Coaches gave me his t-shirt. I tried to give it to one of the girls that looked colder than I did, but Sarah and Annah made me put it on. Since I'd lost my sandals when the boat swamped I had to run barefoot back to the boathouse once we got to the dock. The girls that were dry ran and got us the blankets we had for emergencies like this one, and then went up and turned on all of the showers for us. Some people were too cold to get out of their wet clothes themselves, so others had to help them.

The novices were very helpful and ran around doing what they could for us. A few of them made hot chocolate and coffee for anyone that wanted it. There was an ambulance waiting for us, but thankfully no one ended up needing it. I'm amazed that things turned out as well as they did. They didn't recover the shells until a few hours later and I have no clue what shape they are in. We lost a couple hundred dollars worth of equipment that was in the shells, but that's miniscule compared to the fact that all 18 of us who were in those two shells today that swamped were able to walk away from the whole thing just fine.

The APFT is over and once again I managed to avoid going on the Comm's remediation program. However, I am still very dissapointed in my performance. Although I did the most sit-ups I've ever done in the two minutes, my push-ups and run were significantly worse. I got cut 10-15 push-ups, which has never happened before either. I knew going to the grader sitting on the floor in a yoga position was a bad idea, but I didn't really have a choice. After the APFT was over Anne and I ran, or actually it was more a crawl because we couldn't move, to practice. Coach Hall had the brilliant idea of making that practice one of the hardest we've had all year. He had us do seat racing with 1000 meter pieces. I don't think I've ever pulled harder before in practice. Halfway through I decided that since I was already in so much pain a little more didn't matter. That actually was my savior because it got me through the mental block and I was able to look at Cas the whole time and row with all my strength while not thinking. I was 6 seat in the 73rd and so I was behind Kathie and Cas. I hope that someday I can row as well as they can row.

After practice Molly and I ran up to Mac Statue where LTC Surdu picked us up. We were still all sweaty and stuff because there wasn't any time to shower and change, but nobody said anything. Dinner was very delicous. Mrs. Surdu made Meatloaf, green beans, and corn souflee. I loved the corn souflee. Tommy and Sammy were once again very excited to see all of us and were running all over the place. They reminded me of Anna and Isaac.

This morning Anne and I once again got up to go running at 5:45. Last night I was very tempted to email her and cancel, but I didn't give in. When I told her that this morning she said that she felt the same way last night and so it's a good thing that neither of us acutally did try and get out of getting up. Last week when we went running it was freezing out and we had to wear our sweat suits and I wore a skull cap, but today it was 65 degrees out. We did a short jog around the plain and then stretched for the rest of the time because we wanted to allow our bodies a little recovery time. The air reminded me of Beast and the morning PT.

APFT today. YAY!! Can someone break my arm? Please..pretty please...with sugar on top? Oh well, I guess I may as well just get it over with instead of having to dread it later. Oh wait, I will because of AA school. I've realized that although I'm in shape for rowing, I'm not in great shape for the APFT. This afternoon I'm taking it with Anne and Leah, or at least that is the plan. What makes it even better is that Coach Hall has a really hard practice planned for today. He's seat racing some of us. I've heard that I'm up against Mindy. Tonight I'll be smoked. The one thing that I get to look forward to is dinner at the Surdu's house. LTC Surdu is leaving in a few weeks for a new command position and so his wife and him are having everyone over for a last dinner together. The sad part is that it means that I'll miss OCF tonight :(

I can't believe that Easter is this Sunday. It really doesn't feel like it. Betsy asked me if I was coming home for Easter because she wanted to introduce me to Roger (*loud sigh and dreamy look on face as I mock my sister*), but seeing as how I have a physics WPR and a race on that Saturday I told her it wasn't going to happen. Hopefully I'll get a chance to meet Roger when I'm home for the summer. He's one of the favorite topics of my family right now. They all seem to like him a lot.

So much more to write, but no time to do it. I can't wait for yearling year to end. Hopefully everyone wasn't lying to me when they told me that cow year is a lot better.

Is it really only Wednesday? This week is going by rather slowly. Friday afternoon I leave with the Crew team for the Knecht Cup in NJ. It'll be nice to get out of here. This place is extremly grey right now. Grey, cold, and rainy.

This week Anne and I are trying to get up everyday at 5:30am to go for a run at 5:40 for about 20 min. We went for about a 3 mile run on Sunday and realized that although we may be in shape for crew, rowing and running are very different. Josh doesn't think that we can last a week getting up that early. I'm determined to prove him wrong. Of course, once he said that he knew I'd try and prove him wrong and he said that, but that doesn't change anything.

Why do my friends have to be so smart? Anne and Molly are being interviewed this week to try out for the Truman Scholarship, Molly and Meghan just got accepted into the Academy exchange program, and over spring break I found out that Leah turned down a full ride to Princeton so that she could come here instead. Josh says he knew his square roots when he was four, last year Beth got the CS cookie tray (not the real name of the award), and Meghan recieved the history award. Both those awards go to the top person in those classes out of everyone in in our grade for the whole year. Then there's me who's just happy to have only 2 C's at 10 week grades.

What really gets me is that they all seem to be really good at learning for the sake of gaining an understanding and applying the material while thinking on their own. All my life I've been used to being spoon fed material, regurgttating it on a test, and then expeling it from my mind after having put no real thought into it on my own. I did not come to this realization until this past year, more specifically this past semester. Now I'm left wondering if I actually have any ability to think on my own and am almost envious of the natural ease at which they assertain things and put their own thoughts into it instead of just quoting verbatim what someone else has already discovered and concluded. They have the ability to think on a higher level and actually use that ability, whereas a lot of people see it as a wast of time and energy and conclude that the actual thinking should be left to other people while we cram for the next test so that we can just dump all of the information after it's over. Perhaps that is why I'm in college. So that I can learn to think.

This morning I was going to go to Church with Anne and the guys again and so I set my alarm for 9:20am and when it went off I procceeded to hit the snooze button until around 9:40. I got up, to a shower, got dressed, and was about to walk out the door when I saw I had an email in my inbox. It said: "Not a single one of you showed up!!! You all forgot to set your clocks ahead!!" I'd forgotten all about the time change. Oops! Needless to say, I did not make it to Church.

I know it's childish, but I still have that dream that a guy would come along and be like prince charming, or a knight in shining armor, fight some battle for me, and then sweep me off my feet. Too bad that only happens in fairy tales. This past summer my dad recommend that I read the book Wild At Heart by John Eldredge. It's mostly for men, but he suggested I read it because the profession I'm in means that there is a very high likelyhood that I'll be in charge of many men and he thought this might help me understand them a little more. I like the book so much that I actually gave a copy of it to my friend Frank, and he liked it so much that his whole family read it. Although I've read it a few times now, when I do read it I still try and hide that I'm reading it. A lot of people would laugh at it.

The first paragraph of the back cover states: "Every man was once a boy. And every little boy has big dreams: dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress. Every little girl has dreams, too: of being rescued by her price and swept up into a great adventure, knowing that she is the beauty." I may be a M16 fireing, ruck march marching, torn-up hands rower, who's in a uniform practically 24 hours a day, but inside I'm still that little girl wanting to be seen as a beauty worth fighting for.

Sometimes I think most guys are tired of trying to win girls. I'm not saying that I want to be some helpless girl that shrieks over a broken nail. Combatives happens to be my favorite class and for once in my life I am not scared about trying to go all out. I enjoy grappeling a ton and become very competitive. Perhaps I just haven't found the right guy and perhaps I haven't done my part either. Back in middle school I actually came across the book The Rules and, not knowing what it was, I read it. I don't really remember much about it, but I've probably broken just about every single rule. No, I'm not saying that I think the book was good and actually should be followed, I'm just trying to make the point that I'm not used to being patient and waiting for things to happen. I become impatient and try and get things moving along or whatever and usually end up messing everything up. I don't always want to be the one who always goes to visit the other person, is the one who calls, who starts the conversations, asks the person out, etc.

On a totally different subject, Army Crew did an awesome job today. My boat won both our races. The other varsity boat won both their races. The guys won all their races at MIT.

It's the weekend at last. Tomorrow morning I have my first regatta of the spring season against Fairfield and Sacred Heart. Right now I think I'm slated to row in the Varsity B 8, which is the second race, and then in a four after the novies race. I'll see how I'm doing tomorrow and make a decision after the first race on whether or not I think I can row. Today I was talking to Annah and she suggested that Coach Hall may be grooming me to be the stroke of the Varsity A boat when I'm a firstie. That'd be awesome, but since Coach Hall is leaving after this year and I've never rowed under Coach Holland, I don't know how good my chances are. Next year it'll probably be Margret Kenny or Mindy who's the stroke. I don't really know what the novies look like this year in terms of that, but I do know that the competition is going to increase next year on varsity with the way the novies erg scores look at the moment. Annah said that I had the best time on the B boat, but I know that there are at least two novies who beat me and even had better times than a few people on the A boat. Ah well, it just means that Army has an even better team.

I have a confession to make. I've started to listen to country music by my own free will and actually enjoy it. All my life I've detested it, but for some reason that's changing. In fact, for the past few days it's the only thing I've listened to on MSN radio. Right now my favorites are Toby Keith and Tim McGraw along with one song by Tracy Byrd.

Will this stupid cold please go away? It's getting rather annoying. I took the advice of S. Woods and bought some Cold-Eeze, but I can't tell if they're working. At least I'm not Celio and on bed rest for the week, or Tim and quarentined in the hospital. Actually, he's probably not quarentined anymore because they concluded he doesn't have SARS.

Yesterday Gov. Jeb Bush came and talked to the cadets in AP. That was cool.

The plebe had their crest unveiling dinner tonight. I wonder what their class crest looks like. Everyone makes fun of 2005's. They say it looks like the flag is being set on fire and that the eagle has three wings.

Sleep time. My favorite time of the day :)

Avoiding work at the moment. I have to write up my physics lab report that's due tomorrow, but right now I'm putting that off. Not the smartest idea, but oh well.

Today I finally got around to doing my taxes, or at least dropping off the stuff so that other people can do them for me.

Great news. My Mom doesn't have cancer. The results came back today. YAY! *jumping around the room*

Stop for a moment and breath. In, out, in, out. Open your eyes and look around. Get beyond the work and stress. You are very fortunate to be where you are right now. Don't forget that.

Awww. It's so cute. Betsy just started dating someone and things seem to be going very well. She's floating right now instead of walking.

I finally rowed my 2k yesterday before practice. The first 1000m I was doing awesome and averaging a 1:54min 500m split, but then I died during the second 1000m and my split rose to around 2:01min. My final time was 7:48.2, which is my second best yet. My best time was 7:47.3. Right now Coach Hall has me back as stroke of the varsity B boat. I love being stroke, although it's really hard sometimes. On Saturday we're racing the varsity A eight, and then two fours. I'm stroking one of the fours. Today at practice we rowed in the fours and Molly cox'd my boat. Usually I can maintain my cool and not get very annoyed during practice, but today my attitude wasn't great. My boat should've been the faster if you compared everyone's erg scores, but we just didn't have it. Molly had never coxed before and so we kinda swerved all over the place, which was one factor that slowed us down. Another was that the rest of the people in the boat wanted a really low stroke rating, like a 20, but I felt the boat moved best at a 24-26 and so I got very annoyed when I listened to them and kept it down at a 20 and we fell behind the other boat. On the last 1500 m piece we did I said screw it and raised the rating to 26-28 and we stayed ahead of the other boat the whole time,even though they pulled at least 4 more power 10's than us. I admit, my ratio sucks, but we were going nowhere fast at a 20 and just tireing ourselves out.

If I could be anywhere right now I'd be in the wilderness camping. It'd be in a mountainous, or at least hilly region. That way I could hike up to the top of a tall hill and look at the view. Perhaps I'd bring a good friend along, but right now I'm not sure. It'd be kinda nice to get away from everything for a little while and forget about the outside world. The only think to concentrate on would be survival. None of the small day to day pressures that cloud life. I'm not sure which part of the country I'd go to because right now a few parts look appealing. I really don't care where. I just want to be beautifull, secluded, and have some great views. My favorite part of this last summer was standing on top of a hill overlooking a valley and watching the sun set.

I used to do a small version of it when I was younger. There was a big overgrown field by my house and I'd go and hike through it for hours. It was large enough that in some places it seemed like it was the middle of nowwhere, but small enough that if I walked in any direction for more than 20 min I'd run into a major road or neighborhood. It was as good as I could get at the time. I loved doing that, being on my own, exploring, thinking, relaxing, seeing where nature lead me. I never got bored, but it usually wasn't enough. I didn't want a field, I wanted the real woods.

Right now I guess I want to get away from everything and recharge. Spring break didn't do it for me. Most breaks don't because there's the feeling that since I'm away from school I need to cram everything I want to do into that time that I have so that I don't miss out.

As a kid I loved books on people surviving in the wilderness. Books like Sign of the Beaver, Island of the Blue Dolphins, My Side of the Mountain, the first Box Car Children's book, the Little House on the Prarie books, etc.

Oh well, my wilderness adventure isn't going to happen anytime soon. Now I'm off to practice and then back to study for my Thayer day tomorrow.

Tough week ahead. Oh joy. They just keep coming. My first regatta is on Saturday. It's here against Fairfield. The guys are going to MIT to race.

Sitting around all day has left me feeling lazy and, well, blah. Today I should've gotten more fresh air that I did. I don't think walking between barracks to visit friends counts. My brain feels like mush. Ah well, back to homework. Dirt time.

I look and sound like crap right now. For some reason my left eye decided to turn red today and my cold, although a lot better than it was a few days ago, is leaving me very congested and coughing.

Yesterday there was a platoon competition in the morning, after which I went to the Hanlon's house for about 1 1/2 hours to celebrate Amy's birthday and also relax a bit. I said I'd be back around 3 or 4, and got back exactly at 3. In the evening I went out with a few friends to a pizza place and then a movie. It was a fun evening.

Being sick, tired, and stressed makes me a mess. I feel bad for my friends having to put up with me during these times when I blow stuff out of proportion and focus way too much attention on the little things that really don't mean anything.

My one good point of the night:
Me: it's like vegetables - they tast really gross when you eat them, but you can't grow with out them.
Friend: hmmmm?
Me: analogy. what's good for you in the long run doens't always feel like it at the moment.

Still learning, still growing, still changing. We'll see how it all turns out in the end. It's amazing how things change.

It takes me a while to get to know someone and be comfertable being myself around them. I guess I act different around different people based on how well I know them. I've really realized that this year. There are all number of examples that I could talk about, but I'll just stick to one or two. For example, this year I've started going to OCF, or Officer Christian Fellowship, after being invited by my friend Leah. The first few times during small group time I don't think I said a word. Instead, I sat, watched, and listened to everybody talk and interact to get a feel for the people and the group. Only after I started to become comfertable around the people and trust the group did I start expressing more of myself. Even now, however, I don't say a lot, but that's changing.

I'm about to start analyzing this to pieces. Actually, I've already started doing it in my head. Why do I always do that? I take some issue and tear it to pieces trying to find the root cause. Ahh! Now I'm going to start analyzing that problem. Time to take the advice I've recieved many times from a great friend, Matt, and just stop thinking.

Steph's probably off at Air Force basic training now. I hope she's doing okay. I think this will be a really good opportunity for her. She's another person it took me a while to become comfertable around. We met in 5th grade when we were on the same summer softball team. I thought she was so cool and was one of the best players. We played on the same softball and basketball team every year after that in middle school except for 8th grade when she was on a travel team. I wanted to be friends with her, but was really really shy in middle school and went to a different school than all the others girls on the team and was always really quiet. It wasn't until 10th grade that Steph and I became good friends. Steph's been one of my best friends since then. Senior year my friends Liz, Steph, and I did almost everything together in and out of school. The spring dance, coming home, was the dance that the girls asked the guys. Steph got me to ask the guy that I had a crush on to the dance. He said yes and Liz, Steph, and I were all going to go in a group with our dates, but when their dates fell through I ended up telling my date that I couldn't go anymore. That guy ended up asking me to prom and we kinda dated during the last few months I was home. That was also due in part to Steph and her convincing Jake and I to actually talk to each other because we were both shy.
Wow. High school flew by. That was 2 years ago. Hahaha, I bet I'm making some people feel pretty old right now. Sorry.

This week is almost over. YAY! Yesterday my cold got a lot worse and so I didn't row my 2K at practice. Leah and I are planning to row ours after practice today.

The amount of news coverage on the war is amazing. I think it helps more then hinders the war effort that reports are imbedded with the troops in Iraq.

My Mom's surgery went well yesterday and it appears that she doesn't have cancer. When my dad called and told me that I was so happy and relieved.

Yesterday I had to attend two lectures. One was for AP and the speaker was the Honerable Francis K. Brooks. He's a Congressman from Vermont and also the Comm's uncle. I don't remember the name of the proffessor who spoke at the other lecture, but it was by madatory for everyone in DFL. Everyone came away from that lecture wondering if that man had actually just said what we thought he said. I think his main point was to show that it's important to know more than one language and culture. He talked about how being bilingual means that you are culturally schizophrantic. His points were so scattered and overshadowed by worthless information that it was very hard to follow and get anything good out if the lecture. The part that everyone will never forget was when he closed by proposing the foundation of the United States Military Peace Academy (USMPA). Instead of Beast barracks, there'd be Peace Barracks. He'd even gone so far as to design the academy crest. Thankfully the course director for DFL did not allow any questions after the lecture.

Try saying "Bunker buster bombed" 10 times fast.

Can this week please just end. There's that one thing that makes it really suck, plus tomorrow I have a physics instructor writ, my math project due, and AI for my CS project, plus instead of doing FCDT on the M240 and M249 like I planned, I now have to do it on land navigation because the arms room isn't let anybody check out any weapons this week due to the M14 issue. That reminds me, I have to go pick up my M14 and also lock up all of my valuable stuff tonight since we're having a security inspection sometime tomorrow. On Thursday I have my CS project due, my mom has surgery, and I have a 2k test. Friday is a prob & stats quiz, Saturday is the best platoon competition. We were supposed to have a regatta, but Coast Guard chickened out of coming. At least there isn't SAMI on Saturday. The Shumackers are having out OCF group over Friday night. I really want to get out of here on Saturday night, especially since I don't know if I'll have another chance this year until TEE leave because of crew. I think next week is a home regatta, but I could be wrong.

Stress stinks. Arid works. Actually, I don't think it works very well. I perfer Secret Platinum Protection.

What should I be doing right now - homework. What am I actually doing right now - writing in this journal. Oh well.

This morning I woke up and it felt like I had slept in even though it was 6:11am. The feeling was rather nice and I was actually awake and alert in all of my classes. I'm guessing that not many other poeple can say that the day after spring break.

I said no to going to dance class tonight because I had to go work on my math project that is due on Wednesday. I have a CS project due Thursday and am really screwed on that one. Hopefully I can go in for AI tomorrow. I'm really sucking in that class right now.

Lot's of talk about the war. I try and stay as updated as possible.

Bea-hob just IM'd me. Haven't talked to him in awhile.

The weather was awesome today and the river looked like glass, but unfortuanatly we had to do a 30 min erg piece instead of going out on it. Tomorrow we're going out on the water. That'll be great, but the water will be much colder than the water in Florida. 2K on Thursday.

Annah, Jordan, and I are all in the same combatives class. It should be a very interesting class if any of us keep getting paired together. All of us have strong competitive streaks when it comes to that area. I can only really fight when physically provoked by someone on purpose, but once I get going I go all out if they are actually trying to fight. A different side of me comes out.


friend: do you feel like your journal help you in anyway?
me: it really used to help me a lot, but now i'm more cautious about what i write in it and have started a notebook journal that helps me more becuase that's where i really say what's on my mind. now i just feel like my online journal is self-centered and somewhat immature.
friend: why so?
me: all i do is talk about myself and my petty problems and life. there are much more important things going on that i could discuss, such as the war, but instead i focus on how i'm feeling and stuff like that

That's been on my mind.

Bad mood.

I'm back at school, my laptop isn't working properly and so I can't use it and don't know how to fix it, I have no clue how to do physics, I'm tired, boys suck currently, and basically just doing a lot of self-pitying. Perhaps I should stop now.

Hmm, good thoughts...um, my teddy bear is nice to hug, my ron jon flip flops are really comfy, the Dave Matthews concert tonight was really cool and I got to go to it, I talked to Frank over spring break and also had a really good conversation with Matt, Roger asked Betsy out on a another date, I'm wearing my really comfertable pj pants, neither beth, molly, nor meghan snored, it's warmer here than it was before. Now that I'm in a little bit of a better mood I think I'll go to bed.